3656: The Opposite of Loneliness by Ryan Frederick of Here.life on Intentional Lifestyle Design

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00] This is Optimal Living Daily, The Opposite of Loneliness by Ryan Frederick of Here.life And I'm Justin Malik, your very own personal narrator. I read to you every single day of the year so that you don't have to go find blogs or articles yourself, all in an effort to make your and my days just a little bit better. So with that, let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_00] The Opposite of Loneliness by Ryan Frederick of Here.life The English language has its limitations. For example, take the word love. The English language uses one word which the Greeks needed seven words to accurately describe.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00] A similar example is with the Opposite of Loneliness. Merriam-Webster defines loneliness as being without company, cut off from others, sad from being alone, or producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation. According to the late researcher on loneliness and pioneer of social neuroscience, Dr. John Cachopo, English doesn't offer an adequate antonym.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00] He suggested the closest proxy was normal, although that is clearly not a satisfactory solution. It's too all-encompassing. It's not descriptive enough. Marina Keegan, a senior at Yale University at the time and captured in her New York Times best-selling posthumous collection of essays and stories, The Opposite of Loneliness, didn't have a word for The Opposite of Loneliness, but she knew that's what she wanted. She says, quote,

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00] We don't have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say, that's what I want in life. What I'm grateful and thankful to have found at Yale, and what I'm scared of losing when we wake up tomorrow and leave this place. It's not quite love, and it's not quite community. It's just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together, who are on your team. When the check is paid, you stay at the table.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00] When it's 4 a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with a guitar. That night we can't remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats, end quote. Sadly, Keegan didn't experience the opposite of loneliness in the real world as she died in a car accident just weeks before graduation. Loneliness is becoming normal. Unfortunately, loneliness itself is becoming increasingly normal.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00] Loneliness has doubled since the 1980s, and now over 40% of adults report feeling lonely. Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the former U.S. Surgeon General, in his Harvard Business Review cover story, indicates that loneliness and weak social connections are associated with a reduction in lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day and even greater than that associated with obesity.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00] One of the most powerful predictors of loneliness is living alone. This is particularly threatening for older adults, as about a third of Americans over 65 live alone, and over 50% of women over 75 live alone. But of course, people living among others can still feel lonely. In this regard, Dr. Cachopo describes loneliness as perceived isolation. The viral video hashtag EatTogether by a Canadian grocer illustrates that

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00] you can live among plenty of people in an apartment building and still feel disconnected. This phenomenon is not unique to the United States. The UK has over 9 million people suffering from loneliness. More than a third of older adults report being overwhelmed by loneliness. A whopping 80% of British citizens over 85 live alone. Japan is perhaps the most challenged with loneliness, coupled with the highest percentage,

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00] about 25% of its citizens 65 or older. Demographics coupled with frayed families and communities have made it particularly difficult, according to a recent in-depth article by the New York Times. Sadly, some people are even committing crimes to benefit from the social connection in prison. How can we make the opposite of loneliness normal again? More seems to be known about increasing loneliness than what to do about it.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00] The UK made a PR splash by creating a Minister of Loneliness in January. The anticipated focus of this ministry is to, A, create practices and programs that cultivate conversation, friendship, and empathy. The founding of community allotments where solitary folks might gather. And B, instigate knock-on-door initiatives with volunteers targeting lonely souls.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00] But it's an open debate as to whether we can institutionalize the elimination of loneliness. Dr. Cachopo's research tested a number of methods and tactics, including many that did not demonstrate positive success. One successful tactic is to change how lonely people think about other people, having them understand what happens when their brain goes into self-preservation mode. Dr. Cachopo's research suggests that treating it like a disease is difficult

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_00] because social connection requires a two-way relationship with others. One simple yet significant approach is to more commonly practice kindness. Lonely people need an especially heavy dose of kindness. If more people were able to identify those lonely around us and choose to act kindly, say by an empathetic cashier to a lonely shopper at checkout, it would certainly help. The important role of where you live.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00] What is probably not mentioned enough in these conversations is the role of where we live in the context of loneliness. Living alone is a driver of loneliness. Fortunately, there are emerging alternative housing models that help facilitate interaction and connection. For example, co-housing, a communal living approach that integrates shared spaces and a common house for community meals, is a popular housing option in Denmark with some successes in the U.S.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00] and has demonstrated to improve social connection, particularly across generations. Engage is an organization that integrates a whole-person approach to creative living, providing college-level programs in the arts, wellness, and lifelong learning into existing communities. Living in cities or in more dense suburbs offers the prospect of a greater number of interactions with a diverse number of people. Susan Pinker, author of The Village Effect,

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_00] points out that technology can be helpful in bringing people together for important face-to-face connection. In her research, she's found that it's not just close friends that keep people from being lonely, it's also a broader network of connections in concert with close friendships that help people thrive. At here.life, we believe location, design, and ethos of social connection can go a long way towards helping build sustained social connection.

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00] Walkable locations make it easy for people to see others. Accessible communal spaces designed for formal and informal connection make it easier to get to know your neighbor. In addition, having a culture where social connection is important helps residents self-select to be part of such a community. The opposite of loneliness is our responsibility. Technology advances, shifting family dynamics,

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00] and changing demographics are all conspiring to make loneliness more common. However, as we all become increasingly aware of the risks to our health and well-being, it's important that we make lifestyle decisions to ward off the hazards of loneliness, particularly as we age. Fortunately, new, innovative housing models will make it easier to embrace the opposite of loneliness at every stage of life. Keegan treasured how Yale created an environment

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00] that fostered the opposite of loneliness. She understood the power of place. You just listened to the post titled The Opposite of Loneliness by Ryan Frederick of here.life. I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you, Ryan. I found the statistics pretty mind-blowing that loneliness has doubled and has the same health impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It's a huge issue. It makes you think about how our modern world is set up. And kind of like you mentioned, there are actually communities forming now that are trying to combat this. Basically starting communities from scratch, built to foster a more collaborative experience.

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_00] The whole idea, for one of these at least, is to create these walkable mini-cities where you work, shop, park, and neighbors are all close by. The design is all about prioritizing the social aspects of life, making it easier to have those spontaneous interactions that build connection. But if it's small, then you're kind of stuck with who happens to be there, which could be a problem. I'm curious how these end up working out.

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_00] I know one of the authors we narrate more frequently over on Optimal Finance Daily, Mr. Money Mustache, actually spent some time in one of these. Hopefully they work out. But either way, it's something we can work into our lives in some way. It's not easy, but definitely worth it. So do consider it today. Wishing you a great weekend. Thank you for being here. And I'll see you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.