2606: 5 Rules for Having a Constructive Conflict Conversation About Money by Kyle Benson of Gottman

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Finance Daily, Episode 2606

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00]: 5 Rules for Having a Constructive Conflict Conversation About Money by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diania Merriam.

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Now let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: 5 Rules for Having a Constructive Conflict Conversation About Money by Kyle Benson of Gottman.com

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_00]: How do you fight with your partner when money is on the table? Do you argue with them over how to

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: budget or criticize them for their uncontrollable spending habits? Conflicts about money in a marriage

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: aren't really about money. Most arguments are about what money means to each person in the

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship. It's those differences, not the dollar value that are often the root of

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: financial disagreements. So how do you work on those differences?

[00:01:00] [SPEAKER_00]: The Destructive Nature of Money Conflicts Have you ever felt like your partner was the enemy

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_00]: when it comes to money? In 1969, George Bach felt that way when he published The Intimate

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Enemy. Bach believed that relationships failed because partners didn't air their resentments,

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00]: so he encouraged couples to let it all out. He gave couples foam rubber bats and encouraged

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_00]: partners to take turns saying what they resented about the other person. One partner might say,

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I resent you for spending our money on a stupid boat we never use, followed by a whack with

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_00]: the bat. Then the other partner might say, I resent you for spending thousands each year

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: on clothes and heels, accompanied with a whack. It turns out this method only made couples feel

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: more resentful towards one another. Letting it all out over money is not the solution.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: It's important to reframe your approach towards conflict. Happy couples start conflict

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_00]: conversations gently and allow their partner to influence them. They work with each other

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: to compromise and find a solution. In this way, anger and frustration about money can actually be

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: a catalyst for profound growth in a marriage. Like building a sound relationship house,

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: money conflicts can be used to reconstruct the way we love each other over time.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: How to Have a Constructive Conflict Conversation

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Before you even start to discuss conflicts about money in your marriage,

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: we recommend reading the meaning of money to discover your money laws.

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: But first, here are five guidelines for making conflict conversations work.

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: 1. Be on the same team

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00]: People often perceive their partner as dissimilar to them, especially during conflict.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: They believe they have all the positive qualities and their partner only has a few

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: or lots of negative traits. When you give your partner a negative quality in your thoughts,

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: try to see that same quality in yourself. And when you identify a positive quality in yourself,

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: try to see that same quality in your partner. The assumption of similarity is what keeps the

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: story of us focused on we-ness, not me-ness. 2. Stop If You're Flooded

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Couples can only have a constructive conflict conversation if they can manage their own

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: physiological flooding. At its peak, flooding can cause couples to verbally attack each other.

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Any conversation you have while being flooded will be useless if not damaging.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Regrettable words will be said and partners will put up walls as they defend themselves

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: against one another. Dr. John Gottman's research has shown that a simple 20-30 minute

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: break can really help you calm yourself down. During that time, do things that help

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_00]: you relax like taking a walk or listening to your favorite music. 3. Post-Pone Persuasion

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Trying to persuade your partner to compromise before both of you have stated your position

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_00]: will lead to resentment and an unfair solution. If your partner feels unheard,

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: they will unlikely be motivated to open up and hear your side of the story.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: It's only when both partners feel understood by each other that you can begin to work

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: together to find a compromise. If your partner does not feel understood and accepts your persuasion,

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: over time they may resent you or undermine the solution you set.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Slow down, understand each other and the solution will last.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: 4. Express Your Needs

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: As a speaker, it's your responsibility to express your needs in a way that your partner can do

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: something about that will be successful for you. The trap most people fall into is only expressing

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: how they want to feel. I want to feel more loved. The problem is that it gives your partner no clue

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: how to help you feel that way. A better way to ask for more love is, I need a romantic date

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: night once a week and an overnight to a bed and breakfast every two months. Be as specific as you can.

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_00]: 5. Believe Both Points of View Are Valid

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: When partners believe there's only one truth, they argue tooth and nail for their own position.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: That belief is a dead end. There's only one essential assumption that will make the

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: conversation about hurt feelings or the aftermath of a fight work out constructively.

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_00]: That in every disagreement or miscommunication, there are always two points of view and

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: they are both valid. Once you accept that idea, it's no longer necessary to argue for your own

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: position. Now you can focus on understanding and validating your partner's position.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Note, validation and understanding are not the same as compliance or agreement.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: This process will only work if both partners agree that there are two valid viewpoints

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and if both are not focused so much on facts as on understanding the other side of the event.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: These five rules will guide you to stop fighting about money and start connecting in your relationship.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled 5 Rules for Having a Constructive Conflict

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Conversation About Money by Kyle Benson of Gotman.com and I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I like how Kyle pointed out that conflicts about money aren't really about money.

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: As with so many of our struggles and discontent, the issue is never the issue we think it is.

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The real issue is underneath the conflict and you have to do some digging to get to it.

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00]: In my own relationship, my Midwestern gentlemen and I both contributed to an attitude of scarcity.

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_00]: We were hoarding money and behaving like we didn't have any.

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_00]: That has shifted fairly recently, especially with this wedding we're planning.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: At first we didn't think the wedding was all that important.

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a party, we told ourselves.

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_00]: We recognize that the actual marriage is way more important than the wedding,

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and that is still true. But the more we dug in, we realized that our scarcity mindset was getting

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: in the way of celebrating something really special. This isn't about celebrating us,

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_00]: we do that every day. This is an incredible opportunity to bring together friends and family

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and give them an experience they will never forget. Some of these people haven't been

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: in the same room together for decades. We have plenty of money and we live well below our means.

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Even if we spent $50,000 on a wedding, we'd be totally fine.

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Side note, we're not going to spend that much. Luckily we live in a low cost of living area

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and it would be hard to spend that much even if we tried.

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_00]: But we're spending more than we originally planned and we decided that we value our

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_00]: relationships enough to do that for our loved ones. I hate the consumerism of the wedding industry

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and so we aren't doing anything that would require our guests to spend any money

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_00]: above and beyond their flight and hotel. By that I mean we have no wedding party,

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: no gift registry, no bridal shower, etc. etc. But I believe that on June 1st

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: we're going to spend our money happily making memories that will last a lifetime.

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_00]: And that should do it for today. Have a happy rest of your day and I'll see you on the Thursday

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_00]: show tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.