2690: Three Vital Reasons To Say “I’m Sorry” In Your Marriage by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Improving Relationships

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[00:01:55] 16-year-old self had absorbed with teenage belief. I couldn't wait to get into a relationship where

[00:02:01] all was understood and you couldn't mess up. How heavenly that was going to be. Well,

[00:02:07] it doesn't work that way. Because love means you say you're sorry and you mean it,

[00:02:12] sincerely. So much of the time, however, even those words become something that sparks conflict

[00:02:18] and misunderstanding. Why? Here are three reasons. The three culprits of a bad apology.

[00:02:25] First, they're said to defend or even blame. These are the I'm sorry buts. The but tries to

[00:02:33] completely justify the fact that you hurt someone. I'm sorry, but I was doing the best I could.

[00:02:39] This one is repeated by a lot of parents when confronted by their adult children. Or,

[00:02:44] I'm sorry, but you wouldn't shut up. Can you hear the justification? I bet you can.

[00:02:50] Second, they're said to discount or even gaslight the way someone else feels and are usually meant

[00:02:55] to stop the conversation dead in its tracks. I'm sorry you feel that way. And that's it,

[00:03:01] no more discussion. I'm sorry you're upset. There's no reason to be.

[00:03:06] This is definitely a move to pull the rug up from someone's perception of what happened.

[00:03:12] Third, and even worse, is the insincere or sarcastic apology. How many times have I heard,

[00:03:19] well you said you were sorry but it didn't sound as if you meant it at all.

[00:03:24] And you didn't. You said it to appease, to get out of the situation, or even as a way of putting

[00:03:29] someone else down for being too emotional or too fragile. I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings

[00:03:35] again? Those two words can cut to the quick if said in an almost cruel, uncaring way.

[00:03:41] Let's face it, many people find sincere apologies very difficult. Perhaps they grew up in families

[00:03:47] where no one apologized for anything because it was viewed as giving up way too much control.

[00:03:52] Or perhaps the belief is that you're being weak by accepting responsibility for a problem

[00:03:56] or conflict. The inevitability of disappointment or hurt. However, in a long term relationship like

[00:04:04] marriage or friendship, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to be disappointing,

[00:04:08] frustrating and perhaps do something truly hurtful. And so will your partner. I remember asking my

[00:04:14] husband one time, he hates these discussions, if he would tell me what disappointed him about me.

[00:04:20] Just in general. He grimaced. I don't know. So I told him what I thought were the probable

[00:04:26] suspects. Things I knew were not his favorite aspects of my personality. He smiled. Well,

[00:04:32] now that you mentioned it, those disappointments are tolerated in a good, healthy marriage on both

[00:04:38] sides of the aisle. And yet, a good apology is one of the most simple things you can do to help

[00:04:43] your relationship. And even more than that can help you grow your own sense of integrity.

[00:04:49] Here are three things for you to consider. Building integrity through an apology.

[00:04:54] Number one, saying you're sorry means that you recognize your behavior has an impact on

[00:04:59] those around you. Your behavior affects other people. What you say, what you don't say, what you do or

[00:05:06] don't do. Apologizing reflects that you notice and understand that impact and that you care about

[00:05:11] the person you've unintentionally hurt or disappointed. If the hurt is intentional,

[00:05:16] then you have a much deeper and more complicated problem in your relationship.

[00:05:20] Number two, saying you're sorry avoids the cycle of fighting about who is right.

[00:05:26] Unless a discussion is about something extremely factual, like what you wait for breakfast,

[00:05:30] we only have our perceptions to guide our opinions. Your perception is your truth,

[00:05:35] but not everybody else's. If you fight about who is right all the time,

[00:05:39] your relationship might not make it. The person who ends being wrong

[00:05:44] feels defensive and may fight harder next time just so he or she can win. And both

[00:05:49] people end up being lonely in their positions. Number three, saying you're sorry builds

[00:05:54] trust and mutual respect. It's simple, you're taking responsibility for your part. You're telling

[00:06:01] the other that they matter. You're giving to someone else what it feels good to receive. It's inevitable

[00:06:06] that I'm going to be disappointing from time to time, even if it's not for some egregious behavior.

[00:06:11] Maybe just because I'm really busy or I forgot an errand you'd ask me to run.

[00:06:16] Recognizing the impact that has on others? It's not a loss of status,

[00:06:20] not a loss of power, not an admission of weakness. It's a gift that comes to be trusted.

[00:06:27] It's a gift that's given out of respect for the relationship. And it's a gift that reflects your

[00:06:32] own integrity. You just listened to the post titled Three Vital Reasons to Say I'm Sorry in

[00:06:41] Your Marriage by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. Have you been

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[00:08:38] And thanks to Dr. Margaret for some more wonderful words of wisdom.

[00:08:41] I just love the humility in this post. And it sounds so simple,

[00:08:45] but it can be such a difficult thing for us to do. Working together and not prioritizing

[00:08:51] being right, even if we don't realize it. And maybe you feel this isn't you.

[00:08:55] Maybe you feel you wouldn't slip into this behavior. But it can happen subtly.

[00:09:00] Some warning signs to look out for might include

[00:09:02] keeping score in your relationship by bringing up the same follies from the past on repeat,

[00:09:07] never learning a lesson from your spouse and changing your opinion based on something they say,

[00:09:12] and punishing them with a silent treatment or actively doing the opposite of what they ask of

[00:09:16] you. You know, sometimes it's hard to think of ourselves as people who don't ever apologize.

[00:09:21] And of course, we'd actively avoid trying to think of ourselves in this light.

[00:09:25] But instead, we can look to actions like these that are easier to identify.

[00:09:30] Remember that all relationships to a degree are partnerships where we learn from one another

[00:09:35] and do right by one another, which sometimes means apologizing. And if you're never acting

[00:09:40] on that part of the bargain, then you're not giving it your all.

[00:09:44] Okay, that will do it for today folks. I thank you so much for being here and joining

[00:09:48] me for Dr. Margaret's post. And I'm wishing you a great close to your weekend.

[00:09:51] I'll be back with you tomorrow for another post. And that's where your optimal life awaits.