2693: How Do I Get My Spouse To Go Along With My Frugal Plans? By Jacob Lund Fisker on Marriage & Financial Planning

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Finance Daily, Episode 2693.

[00:00:04] How do I get my spouse to go along with my frugal plans?

[00:00:08] By Jacob Lunn-Fisker of EarlyRetirementExtreme.com

[00:00:12] And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diania Merriam.

[00:00:16] Now let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life.

[00:00:24] How do I get my spouse to go along with my frugal plans?

[00:00:28] I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Jacob Lunn-Fisker of EarlyRetirementExtreme.com

[00:00:32] So you've joined the ranks of enlightened people

[00:00:36] who want to retire early, move to another country, or redesign their lifestyle

[00:00:40] and now you want your spouse or partner to go along with it.

[00:00:44] Not so fast. While winning friends is easy, influencing people

[00:00:48] is a lot harder but it can be done. I'm a little dense when it comes to interpersonal understanding.

[00:00:52] But I still have learned a thing or two.

[00:00:56] The first and most important thing is that a person sounds a whole lot

[00:01:00] smarter and more intelligent when you agree with what the person is saying.

[00:01:04] If you don't believe me, try to tune in to an election debate. Candidates

[00:01:08] are very likely equally intelligent but do they sound that way to you?

[00:01:12] Most people listen to other people mainly to confirm what they already know

[00:01:16] and be reaffirmed in their beliefs. This is not a very

[00:01:20] rational thing to do but most people are like that probably due to humans

[00:01:24] being social animals. This means that if you suggest something

[00:01:28] which is radically different from what they already know, they'll think that you're

[00:01:32] ignorant and an outsider. If you keep pushing, they'll think you're

[00:01:36] stupid. A stupid person being an ignorant person who refuses to

[00:01:40] change his ways. Therefore only make it known that you possess

[00:01:44] this information by talking about it once. Let them come to you when

[00:01:48] they're ready. Most people and especially children will follow your example

[00:01:52] rather than your suggestions if they follow at all.

[00:01:56] Children will follow practically any example and believe anything you tell them

[00:02:00] so be careful there. But adults are calcified already

[00:02:04] and usually want to follow their own example rather than your example

[00:02:08] unless it becomes massively clear that your way is better.

[00:02:12] In other words, you must be able to demonstrate a clear difference between your way

[00:02:16] and their way. This means you have to build up a visible difference

[00:02:20] to show that there's an alternative and build credibility.

[00:02:24] Once your spouse is ready, he or she will generally come around very quickly.

[00:02:28] For instance, you may build up a savings account or what people with bills,

[00:02:32] job dependence and other liabilities call an emergency fund.

[00:02:36] If your spouse is already familiar with the concept,

[00:02:40] start talking about how your emergency fund will support you for five years

[00:02:44] and that you're thinking about switching careers or taking a long hiatus.

[00:02:48] A five-year fund is simply in another category altogether.

[00:02:52] It's quantitatively different because it gives you many more opportunities.

[00:02:56] A normal six-month fund is only designed to pay your bills while you go

[00:03:00] and look for another job because you just got fired or carry you over a while

[00:03:04] on an extended sick leave. Those who focus solely on

[00:03:08] those problems will have a hard time wrapping their head around the larger

[00:03:12] timeframe and the additional possibilities. However,

[00:03:16] your spouse's emergency fund is only the standard six months,

[00:03:20] but she's beginning to think that her current life path sucks.

[00:03:24] She'll most likely start saving more so that she'll have the same options as you.

[00:03:28] If your accounts are joint, say you'd prefer to save the money whenever

[00:03:32] she proposes an expense. Just suggest that you split some money into

[00:03:36] his and hers and if she wants to buy something, fine, but you reserve the same

[00:03:40] amount of money for savings. After a while, you can start talking about the

[00:03:44] infrastructure earning. One thing that tends to get people going is when I talk

[00:03:48] about how the money my savings generate on average correspond to a full-time

[00:03:52] job in Walmart and how that essentially means that the person is working for me.

[00:03:56] I can put this in really snarky terms too, using

[00:04:00] terms like mortgage and credit and it seems to get people thinking.

[00:04:04] If you want your spouse to adopt some change, another thing to try is

[00:04:08] to find something they're familiar with. For instance,

[00:04:12] I did not see herself living in a tumbleweed house, my original plan.

[00:04:16] So I started talking about boats. Then someone suggested RVs.

[00:04:20] Now unlike me, DW had actually been in an RV

[00:04:24] and lived in a mobile home park at some point. So she was familiar

[00:04:28] with those and was much less resistant to this idea. Had she not

[00:04:32] been, I guess one way would have been to start camping and make the trips longer

[00:04:36] and longer, after which I would combine this with a suggestion that if we

[00:04:40] started camping full-time, we could cut our budget in half.

[00:04:44] In summary, the sneaky way to go about things if you want to persuade someone is to

[00:04:48] change your environment to make your ideas seem more sensical.

[00:04:52] Such as try acquiring a majority of your stuff through swapping or free cycling.

[00:04:56] This might make your spouse reconsider the idea of paying for things

[00:05:00] especially when he or she sees the envelopes arriving by mail

[00:05:04] or you pick up a leather jacket while you proudly announce that you did not pay for this.

[00:05:08] By the way guys, I have not bought anything for me personally for several months

[00:05:12] now but I've bartered more than 10 things away, probably closer to 20.

[00:05:16] Get furniture used and make this the normal way for you.

[00:05:20] Mention that this month your expenses were completely covered by

[00:05:24] income from your investment accounts. Cook meals that only cost a dollar

[00:05:28] but taste the same as $10 meals. Later you can start talking about

[00:05:32] how you don't need to work anymore because you have enough savings to retire.

[00:05:36] None of this guarantees success but maybe just maybe

[00:05:40] someday your spouse will have a problem that is best solved with one of your solutions

[00:05:44] and then you'll be right there.

[00:05:48] You just listened to the post titled

[00:05:52] How do I get my spouse to go along with my frugal plans?

[00:05:56] by Jacob Lund Fisker of EarlyRetirementExtreme.com

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[00:07:12] While it has a negative connotation, it may conjure up

[00:07:16] an image of a miserable penny pincher. I think self imposed

[00:07:20] frugality has a different flavor to it. When you're forced to be

[00:07:24] frugal because you've maxed out your credit cards and simply don't have the funds to make ends meet

[00:07:28] I can see how that would feel like deprivation. But I think when

[00:07:32] you willingly experiment with frugality and use it as a way to test your

[00:07:36] assumptions about what you need and don't need, it can be a very freeing experience.

[00:07:40] The key here is choice. Experiment with

[00:07:44] frugality on your own terms. And you're more likely to not find yourself

[00:07:48] in a position where it's forced on you. I also think reframing

[00:07:52] the concept can change your relationship to it. So rather than thinking of myself

[00:07:56] as frugal, I like to think of myself as resourceful.

[00:08:00] Navigating this mindset shift around frugality and saving money with a partner

[00:08:04] can be a really bonding experience. It forces you to have deep

[00:08:08] discussions around what you value and what you deem important.

[00:08:12] But that should do it for today. Have a happy rest of your day and I'll see you tomorrow

[00:08:16] where your optimal life awaits.