2738: How To Not Be Victimized By Empty Nest. Letting Go With Intention by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

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[00:01:08] This is Optimal Finance Daily, episode 2738.

[00:01:12] How to not be victimized by empty nest, let go with intention, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:01:18] of drmargaretrutherford.com.

[00:01:21] And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diana Merriam.

[00:01:25] Welcome back to our Sunday bonus episode, where I share an article with you from a different

[00:01:30] podcast in our network.

[00:01:32] Today's episode coming from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:35] So with that, here's Greg with the post and commentary as we optimize your life.

[00:01:54] These days, my only son Rob is traveling at breakneck speed through his 20s.

[00:02:00] I've ridden many waves of motherhood, gradually transitioning from hands-on mom to empty nest

[00:02:05] mom to now a much more hands-off but always available mom.

[00:02:10] That letting go process happened slowly.

[00:02:12] As time marched on, whether I was ready for it or not, each new phase came rolling in.

[00:02:18] Mom, can I have a snack?

[00:02:20] Mom, can I watch TV?

[00:02:22] Mom, will you take us to the pool?

[00:02:24] Mom, I'm not going to be here for dinner because we're going to the game.

[00:02:27] But can some guys come over after?

[00:02:29] Mom, can I borrow the car?

[00:02:31] Mom, you know I'm not coming home for spring break, right?

[00:02:35] This last was asked with a tender, somewhat tenuous smile as he put his arm around me.

[00:02:41] All I could do was smile back at that infectious grin.

[00:02:44] I've had my ups and downs in this letting go process.

[00:02:48] The ups have been all about watching him create his own life.

[00:02:51] Spending the time to begin to blog and podcast.

[00:02:54] My husband and I traveling together, more time with friends.

[00:02:58] But I've had to grieve the loss of all that abundant youthful energy around the house.

[00:03:03] I missed the den being constantly messy.

[00:03:05] Worse still, I felt awkward in my new role as onlooker when we visited him at college,

[00:03:11] not sure of where I belonged in his new world.

[00:03:14] I struggled at times not to miss what had been.

[00:03:17] But I eventually discovered something that helped.

[00:03:21] In fact, not just helped, but was empowering.

[00:03:24] How letting go with intention heals the grief of emptiness.

[00:03:29] It comes down to one thing.

[00:03:31] You have to choose, with intention, to let go.

[00:03:35] When I hear from parents who struggle with depression after their children leave home,

[00:03:39] they might say, I feel robbed.

[00:03:42] They feel victimized by time itself, bringing with it unwanted closure on the hands-on years

[00:03:47] of parenting.

[00:03:48] And yet, this feeling of a child being torn from you isn't good for you or for your

[00:03:53] child.

[00:03:54] Life isn't yanking them away from you.

[00:03:56] You're not a victim.

[00:03:58] You're sad.

[00:03:59] Think about it.

[00:04:00] As a parent, you've already had a lot of practice in adjusting to a new normal.

[00:04:05] The getting no sleep phase, the diaper years, preschool, grade school, teenage years.

[00:04:10] Then comes graduation from high school, young adulthood, and whatever choices they make going

[00:04:15] forward.

[00:04:16] The new phase has always been right around the corner, even if you weren't actively

[00:04:20] considering it as such.

[00:04:22] And let's face it.

[00:04:24] Some phases have been much more pleasant than others.

[00:04:27] Each time, it's been important to let go when those years were done.

[00:04:31] Empty nest doesn't have to be one that's too painful to bear.

[00:04:35] Only your prominence in your child's life changes, not your significance.

[00:04:40] Your children are never yours to keep.

[00:04:42] They are a temporary gift to nurture and cherish.

[00:04:46] Ideally, from their first years, only your prominence in their lives will decline.

[00:04:51] Not your importance in their lives, nor your significance.

[00:04:55] Only how central you are to what they're creating in their own life.

[00:04:58] If you relish each and every stage of your children's lives with intention, you can

[00:05:03] avoid looking back or clinging to one stage or another.

[00:05:06] Because not only is it impossible to go back in time for one more afternoon of pushing

[00:05:11] your giggling little one on a swing, before you know it, you'll be transitioning yet

[00:05:16] again.

[00:05:17] And believe it or not, there will come a day when you'll likely miss having that surly

[00:05:21] teenager under your roof.

[00:05:24] Let's use something non-child related as an example.

[00:05:27] Years before my son was born, I owned my absolutely favorite of a lifetime black evening outfit.

[00:05:33] I wore it singing jazz in the late 80s.

[00:05:36] It was backless, with a soft silky fabric, a plain classic front, and nothing adorning

[00:05:42] the waist.

[00:05:43] The pants flowed freely.

[00:05:44] I thought it was spectacular, and channeled my inner Meryl Streep when I wore it.

[00:05:49] But when I became a mom, there weren't a lot of places to wear my elegant attire.

[00:05:55] I certainly couldn't wear it to work.

[00:05:57] Plus, frankly, it became a bit snug in places.

[00:06:00] Okay, quite snug.

[00:06:02] I gave it away, quite purposefully.

[00:06:05] But time had passed.

[00:06:07] Kids aren't clothes, obviously.

[00:06:09] But there's a fundamental similarity in the process.

[00:06:13] Anytime you can claim intentionality, it's very empowering.

[00:06:18] This is especially true when facing a painful situation.

[00:06:22] Intention gives you back a sense of control.

[00:06:25] You can make a vow to yourself, and each vow will offer you a sense of control over a process

[00:06:30] that has seemed out of control.

[00:06:32] Here are some vows to consider.

[00:06:35] I will, with intention, be grateful to see my child create a life of their own.

[00:06:40] Not everyone has that good fortune.

[00:06:42] I will, with intention, realize that my role will change, but not my significance.

[00:06:48] I will, with intention, not look back.

[00:06:51] I will, with intention, not harangue about texts left unanswered, or calls that I love

[00:06:56] to get coming only from time to time.

[00:06:59] I will not make it personal.

[00:07:01] I will, with intention, realize that I will always be mom or dad.

[00:07:05] Oh yeah, I'll always be Rob's mom.

[00:07:09] And then my own smile returns.

[00:07:12] I will, with intention, remember to smile.

[00:07:19] You just listened to the post titled, How to not be victimized by empty nest, letting

[00:07:25] go with intention, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com.

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[00:08:43] Wonderful one from Dr. Margaret today.

[00:08:45] Thank you so much to her.

[00:08:47] And while this was definitely essential for parents who are or aren't living in an empty

[00:08:53] This is the type of post that makes me hope that you guys will take some time to listen

[00:08:57] to posts that might not apply to your situation directly.

[00:09:00] You see, for me, this article helps me learn from the other side of the equation.

[00:09:05] I'm not a parent, certainly not an empty nester, but my mom is, and I worry about her.

[00:09:11] When Dr. Margaret was talking about the awkwardness of moving her son into college, I can compare

[00:09:16] it to an experience I had just recently when moving into a new place.

[00:09:20] I went out furniture shopping with my mom, and while she is a really gifted interior

[00:09:25] designer, I found that a part of me was buying things simply because she recommended them.

[00:09:31] And again, she does have impeccable taste, but this was due in part to wanting to make

[00:09:37] her feel included or not upset her.

[00:09:40] So on my side, as a son who's a youngish adult, I'm 30, it would be in my best interest

[00:09:45] to follow Dr. Margaret's vows, but about intentionally allowing my mother to continue

[00:09:51] to adapt to life without me, rather than try to coddle her through it, which I've been

[00:09:55] doing since I left the house at like 22.

[00:09:58] And it's a coddling which frankly she doesn't need.

[00:10:01] That's definitely something I put on her, and while I know she does love having me around,

[00:10:05] she's also very independent and is never one to ask for me to change my own decisions as

[00:10:10] an adult.

[00:10:12] So thanks to Dr. Margaret once more for speaking to a lot of people in this one besides empty

[00:10:16] nesters should they choose to listen.

[00:10:18] We have reached the end though, friends.

[00:10:20] So thanks for coming today and be sure to do the same tomorrow in the Saturday show

[00:10:24] where I'll answer a question sent in from one of your fellow listeners.

[00:10:27] Hoping to see you there, where your optimal life awaits.