2866: Making Friends in Retirement (And Before) by Kathleen Coxwell of New Retirement on Money & Relationships

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Have you ever noticed how a calm mind can really set the stage for a good night's sleep?

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[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Finance Daily, Making Friends in Retirement and Before by Kathleen Coxwell

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_01]: of New Retirement dot com. And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Dianna Merriam.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to another bonus Sunday episode. This is where we get to hear

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_01]: one of the other shows in our podcast network. And today's comes from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_01]: So with that, here's Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Making Friends in Retirement and Before by Kathleen Coxwell of New Retirement dot com.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Did you notice that making friends got harder as you got older? Sure,

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_00]: you probably made new connections with every new job, moves, and when your children started

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: school and got involved in activities. However, if you're like most people,

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: you probably found it was hard to invest the time to develop and maintain deep and meaningful

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: connections. Your family, career, and spouse were likely your priorities. Making friends

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: in retirement can be even harder, but incredibly important and rewarding. Let's take a look at

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: why making friends in retirement is difficult, why it's important, and how to do it.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00]: The Lack of Social Connection is Real for Boomers

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: The fading of social connections is not in your imagination. According to analysis of the US

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Bureau of Labor Statistics American Time Use Survey, Americans spend less time with friends

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and more time alone. In their 20s, Americans spend more than two hours a day with friends,

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_00]: but this drops off a lot in their 30s. By 40, time with friends is cut in half to less

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: than one hour. And it's not just time with friends that slows. As you age, you're likely

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: to be spending more and more time alone, not with friends, family, or co-workers.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: In their 30s, the time Americans spend alone starts to skyrocket, starting at around four

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: hours a day and ending with an average of eight hours alone in their 80s. Loneliness is

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: no fun, and it's not good for your health. Researchers have found mounting evidence linking

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: loneliness to physical illness and to functional and cognitive decline. In fact, the dangers of

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: loneliness are on par with obesity, light smoking, and anxiety. Numerous studies have found that

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: feeling lonely or being socially isolated increases your risk by 29% for heart disease

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and 32% for stroke. Yes, you heard that correctly. Being overweight or smoking is

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: actually healthier than being lonely. Additional research links loneliness to cognitive decline

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and poor immune system function. It's even been linked to an increased chance of diabetes,

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: sleep disorders, high blood pressure, and Alzheimer's disease.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: So how do you make friends in retirement? The older people get, the more challenging it can be

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: to make friends. And that's especially true after retirement, as work is one of the most

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: people. Research from the Stanford Center on Longevity shows of all the age groups,

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: baby boomers show the most signs of disengaging from traditional modes of social relationships,

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: said Laura Carstensen, founding director of the center and a psychology professor

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: at Stanford University. So what do you do? Here are seven tips for making friends in retirement.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, figure out what you like to do and find others like you.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Common interests are one of the strongest hallmarks of friendship. As such, if you're looking for

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: friends in retirement, you'll want to find people who like what you like. Join a club.

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: No matter what you enjoy doing, you can probably find a local club where you can meet people

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: like you. Adopt a dog. If you're friendly and your dog is too, you will naturally start

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: talking with other dog owners. Start going to the dog park at a regular time and you're likely

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: start making friends. Don't want to leave it to chance? Try the app Bark Happy. The location-based

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_00]: app Bark Happy helps you connect with nearby dogs and arrange hangouts with their owners.

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: For fun future doggy date ideas, check out the app's map, which lists dog-friendly businesses

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and local dog-friendly events. Volunteer. The shared purpose of volunteering with a group

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: of people can help establish meaningful connections. Or get a fun part-time job.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you remember lifeguarding as a teen? Waiting tables in college? Grinding out long hours at

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00]: a startup? If yes, you probably also remember some good friends from those experiences.

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Work can help you establish friendships and you don't have to select a grueling job.

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, find something fun and low-key. Work at a nursery or the local golf course

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and see what kinds of friends you can make there.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Number two. Reconnect with old friends. Maybe you already have people in your network whose

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: company you really enjoy, but you don't see them on a regular basis. Maybe now is time to make

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: them real friends again. Call them up and reconnect. Share an old photo and find out

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: what's new with them and make plans. Number three. Invest time. Friendships

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: feel organic and magical. But when you boil it down, they actually take investments of time.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Jeffrey Hall, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas,

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: found that it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship with someone in

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: the first six weeks of knowing them. Between 80 and 100 hours to transform a casual friend

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: into a friend. And more than 200 hours to transition from friends to good or best friends.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're allocating part of your day, every day,

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: to developing and maintaining friendships, old and new. Send a text, pick up the phone and call,

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: send a note or a little gift, and most importantly, get face-to-face.

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Number four. Establish regular meetups. One of the reasons that clubs are so effective

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: at helping people make friends is that there is a schedule to follow. If you find someone

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: you think you would enjoy spending time with, develop a regular schedule for seeing them.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Tuesday hikes, Saturday coffees, every other week dinner parties, anything. Just make sure

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: you meet regularly. Number five. There's an app for that. Swipe right and left. While meeting

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: friends in your regular life is possible, you might want to jump online. Did you know that

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: there are numerous apps designed to help you establish platonic social connections, not just

[00:07:11] [SPEAKER_00]: romantic ones? In the language of online dating, you swipe left if you want to pass on a

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00]: match or right if you want to connect. Here are four good online options for finding friends in

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: retirement. Next door. Next door is a private social network exclusively for your neighborhood.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not uncommon to see people posting about wanting to find new friends around a specific

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: type of activity or interest. Bumble BFF. Bumble is a popular dating app. They also

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_00]: have a service, Bumble BFF. It's designed to help you make friendships in pretty much

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: exactly the same way. Set up a profile with photos and a blurb, and then browse other users'

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: profiles. Meetup. Meetup is a platform for finding and building local communities.

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_00]: People use Meetup to meet new people, learn new things, find support, get out of their

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_00]: comfort zones, and pursue their passions together. Join an established group or start your

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: own. And Friender. On Friender, you get matched to people in your area who share

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: interests. Number six. Keep trying. Finding a friend is a lot like finding a romantic partner.

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_00]: You have to invest time and try out different people. You may have to audition quite a few

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: frogs before finding your pal charming. And number seven. Be a good friend yourself.

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: If you want friends, you need to be a good friend yourself. According to Psychology Today,

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_00]: here are some of the traits of being a good friend. Honest, trustworthy, and loyal. A

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00]: global study found that honesty is most important in friendship. Psychology Today writes that,

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: "...disclosing what we're thinking and feeling helps us build trust and intimacy.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Honesty is a relationship builder and a means for connection and comfort. It can also be

[00:08:56] [SPEAKER_00]: a relationship mender. Giving honest feedback or owning up to mistakes can help us manage

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_00]: conflict and maintain our friendships." Caring and Empathetic. It's important to offer

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: respect and empathy to friends. Friends are there for each other when they're in need.

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Friends want to be heard, seen, known, and understood. Ask questions and listen to answers.

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: And Fun and Congenial. You're not always going to be happy, but if you want to be a good

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: friend, you have to sometimes be fun to be around. Have a sense of humor. Offer goodwill

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and cheer. You just listened to the post titled, Making Friends in Retirement, and Before,

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[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And thanks so much to Kathleen for this post, full of many good ideas,

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and a special shout out to Meetup.com, which as she said, is an amazing place to meet

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: like-minded people. They are not a sponsor, but I've had incredibly good experiences on Meetup

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'm always pumping its tires. I recommend that to anyone, whether or not they're retired.

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_00]: But again, just an incredibly important article all around, and I think it's particularly

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_00]: valuable for retirees not only because of the research she cited that talks about how much more

[00:11:17] [SPEAKER_00]: time alone we spend in retirement, but also because in retirement we might find it easier

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to stop building anything or stop working towards specific objectives. And that's not limited to

[00:11:29] [SPEAKER_00]: friendships. With work behind us, relaxation and stasis can feel like not just an enjoyable,

[00:11:36] [SPEAKER_00]: but a worthy goal. But healthy personalities at all ages depend on constant pursuit,

[00:11:44] [SPEAKER_00]: working towards something that pulls them forward, whether or not these objectives are

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_00]: even met. So if we're in a position in which that level of pursuit might be missing,

[00:11:54] [SPEAKER_00]: as well as our time around people, that's two really critical components of life that,

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_00]: when gone, will only accelerate the aging process for the worse.

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So I really hope anyone and everyone was listening up today, and thanks again to Kathleen

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_00]: for sharing. That is going to do it for today though everybody. Once again, I appreciate you

[00:12:12] [SPEAKER_00]: stopping in and making another episode possible. Have a marvelous rest of your day, and I'll

[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_00]: see you tomorrow for a post from a brand new author. That's where your optimal life awaits.