2903: Recognizing the Strategic Manipulation of Financial Abuse by Justin Haley Phillips with Tiny Buddha

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[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Finance Daily, recognizing the strategic manipulation of financial abuse, by Justin Haley Phillips with tinybuddha.com.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diana Merriam.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Now let's jump right into our next post, as we optimize your life.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Recognizing the strategic manipulation of financial abuse, by Justin Haley Phillips with tinybuddha.com.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote,

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I have endured, I've been broken, I've known hardship, I've lost myself.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day.

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Unknown.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: There was a time, not so long ago, when I was struggling with the heavy hangover of financial abuse.

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Did you know there was such a thing?

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I hadn't a clue until it happened to me.

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_00]: But it turns out that financial abuse is incredibly common,

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and it's often used as a tactic to keep a victim entangled in a relationship where other forms of abuse also take place.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: When money equates to power and freedom, and an individual is deprived of these things,

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_00]: it can seem safest to remain with the person who provides some manner of security,

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: even though they're the cause of the deprivation.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm one of the lucky ones.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Nevertheless, lucky rolls off my tongue with a sharp sourness.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I may not have been married to him, or even living with him, though not for his lack of suggesting it.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I may not have been forbidden to work or had my belongings stolen and sold, as some victims experience.

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: There were no children to consider, no child support to withhold, no joint bank account.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Getting out was easy for me once I realized what was happening.

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_00]: But within those few short months, he still managed to inflict plenty of damage.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: He was charming in the beginning.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Smooth and slick as oil, and a skilled hunter,

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: he honed in on my recent breakup and optimistic nature.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I was ideal prey.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I was new to town, and he offered to show me around.

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: We sang Taylor Swift in the car and went to the arcade.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: He introduced me to bubble tea.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: He liked kittens and Disney.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought he was nice.

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: But slowly, the manipulations began.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: First, it was little things, like not taking no for an answer when I didn't want to go out.

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: He convinced me by finally saying it was because he wanted to introduce me

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_00]: to his friends and family.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Then it became bigger things, like trying to turn me against my best friend.

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: But I rationalized that there are always two sides to every story,

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and it must be some misunderstanding.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: And then it turned financial.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: He started by convincing me to share the benefits of my good credit.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: At the first sign of my hesitation, he reasoned that if he were really after my money,

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: wouldn't he be dating someone who actually had some?

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I was barely getting by, just keeping my head above water.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: So this made sense to me at the time.

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't stop to question why he felt the need to propose such a defensive argument to begin with.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Playing on my history of unhealthy relationships as well,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: he claimed that pooling resources was what mature couples did.

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: He had the better job.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I had the better credit.

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: But the Meijer card that was supposed to be our emergency grocery and gas fund?

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: He used it on Red Bull and video games.

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: When I broke up with him, he claimed that everything he owed me had been a gift.

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Of the hefty amount he'd spent, he paid less than 5% of it back.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00]: And when confronted, he smugly pointed out that we had no written agreement.

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I did have a number of text messages, however, that should have held up in court.

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: So I looked into suing him.

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: After seeking legal counsel and receiving two concurring opinions,

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: it was understood that, even though I was likely to win,

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: he would be deemed uncollectible as his wages were already being garnished.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_00]: The situation left me feeling helpless and dirty.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: My car was repossessed.

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I was eventually served lawsuit papers over what he never paid and had to file bankruptcy.

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: But for all that he took me for, I was also able to tell him no on multiple occasions.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: He tried to convince me to take out a business loan so he could buy high-end gaming equipment.

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: His plan was to make money streaming live, hoping to make it big like PewDiePie.

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: And when I refused, insisting that we begin to pay off what he already owed,

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: he attempted to guilt trip me by claiming that I wasn't being supportive of his or our future.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: He also thought we should take advantage of an SUV BOGO promotion that was going on at the time,

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: which would tie us together in yet another financial circumstance.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: And then he suggested I move in with him.

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: This was a potentially powerful maneuver on his part as he angled for more control over me.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: There would be more financial entanglement, of course, but on a far more precarious level.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I would be subjected daily to his manipulations, and the very roof over my head would be at stake.

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I used the word lucky to describe myself with a sick taste.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: But lucky I was.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I had already experienced how difficult it is to break up with someone when you live together and money is tight.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I was not going to fall into that trap again.

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Financial abuse was not the only abuse he engaged in.

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Statistics say that this variation is often used to perpetuate others, 98% of the time to be exact.

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_00]: In my case, there was plenty of gaslighting.

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_00]: There was also emotional and sexual abuse.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_00]: He tried to turn me against my best friend.

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: He convinced me to do things I was ashamed of.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you've never been in this kind of relationship,

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: it's hard to explain why I didn't immediately run in the other direction.

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: It's subtle, and it's layered, and it's messy.

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_00]: He knew how to make the ridiculous sound reasonable.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_00]: He knew how to push for my sympathy.

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: He was a skillful manipulator, adept at twisting appearances to his favor.

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: He was always 10 steps ahead, strategizing, seeking the checkmate.

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: And yet, I saw a light within him.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00]: A person who was ready to move beyond his past.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: The person he said he wanted to be.

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I placed my faith in that person, and I will never know if he ever truly existed.

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Or if it was someone he just didn't know how to be.

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that light was just another lie.

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_00]: For others, the story may be very different.

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: They might stay for the children.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_00]: They might make comparisons and think, it's not that bad.

[00:08:36] [SPEAKER_00]: They might fear judgment for ending their marriage.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00]: They might even truly believe they deserve no better,

[00:08:42] [SPEAKER_00]: or that they could never make it on their own.

[00:08:45] [SPEAKER_00]: So yes, I am lucky.

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I made it out.

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: And here's what I learned.

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, don't doubt yourself.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: A manipulative abuser will gaslight you,

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_00]: coming from every angle to make themselves appear right and make you seem wrong.

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_00]: If something feels like a red flag, it probably is.

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Listen to your internal warning system and let it guide you away from danger.

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, stand your ground, even when it's exhausting.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: They will do their best to wear you down until you run out of reasons to resist.

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_00]: They'll ask and beg and argue and belittle and rationalize.

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And the frightening part is that it will probably make sense.

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Don't give in.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: You know what is right for you.

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Trust that.

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And number three, an explanation is not required.

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Not for them and not for yourself.

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_00]: You are justified in walking away from circumstances and people that make you feel threatened,

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_00]: regardless of whether or not you can explain it.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: And you owe them nothing.

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Trying to explain why you're leaving will only be met with more gaslighting.

[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Abuse isn't always a black eye or even insults and degradation.

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's having a comeback for every refusal until you're too mentally beaten down to argue anymore.

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's all the right words with all the wrong intent.

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's wheedling and cajoling and convincing from a silver tongue laced with poison.

[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_00]: And while all varieties of abuse are terrifying, infuriating, and damnable,

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel that financial abuse is the stickiest of all.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: It's the web that holds you captive as the spider has its way,

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00]: leaving you desperate, vulnerable to other forms of attack and manipulation.

[00:10:41] [SPEAKER_00]: If you take nothing else away from my story, know this.

[00:10:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You deserve better.

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Recognizing the Strategic Manipulation of Financial Abuse

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_00]: by Justin Haley Phillips with tinybuddha.com.

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_00]: This article reminded me a lot of a documentary on Netflix called The Tinder Swindler.

[00:12:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Have you seen it?

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_00]: It is pretty chilling.

[00:12:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Basically, a con man swindles about $10 million out of multiple women in an elaborate Ponzi scheme.

[00:12:26] [SPEAKER_00]: He's finally caught and prosecuted.

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_00]: But get this.

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_00]: He only serves five months in jail.

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_00]: He's released on good behavior and suspected to be out running the same scam again.

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_00]: It's so easy to watch something like that and think,

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I would never let that happen to me.

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_00]: But the women in this documentary were not idiots.

[00:12:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Watching their stories definitely gave me pause.

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Financial manipulators use psychological abuse techniques

[00:12:55] [SPEAKER_00]: similar to those commonly found in domestic violence.

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_00]: According to Cassandra Cross, who did a fellowship on the topic of romance fraud

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_00]: with the Cybersecurity Cooperative Research Center,

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_00]: offenders might prevent victims from communicating with family and friends,

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_00]: bombard them with messages to monopolize their attention,

[00:13:16] [SPEAKER_00]: or verbally abuse them to make them feel worthless.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00]: All these tactics impair a victim's ability to think clearly about their situation or seek help.

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_00]: No one wakes up in the morning and decides to give away all their money.

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_00]: This happens after a long and painstaking grooming process.

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Cassandra recommends that you consider the motives behind any request for financial help

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and never lend money you can't afford to lose.

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's a wrap for another Thursday show.

[00:13:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Have a great rest of your day,

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll be back tomorrow as usual,

[00:13:52] [SPEAKER_00]: where your optimal life awaits.