2914: Do Your Preferences for a Romantic Partner Influence Your Actual Choice of Romantic Partner by Dr. Lorne Campbell with Luvz

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[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Finance Daily. Do your preferences for a romantic partner influence your actual choice of romantic partner? By Dr. Lauren Campbell with Loves.com. And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diana Merriam. Welcome back to another bonus Sunday episode. This is where we get to hear from one of the other shows in our podcast network. And today's comes from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_01]: So with that, here's Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Do your preferences for a romantic partner influence your actual choice of romantic partner? By Dr. Lauren Campbell of Loves.com.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of research from all over the world has asked people about what they prefer in a future romantic partner.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: There is a big assumption in almost all of this research that these preferences matter when people choose a romantic partner from many possible alternatives.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: For example, if my friend Chris says he prefers a woman that is a few years younger than him, outgoing, ambitious, and wants to start a family eventually,

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: most would assume when deciding to enter a romantic relationship, he should be more likely to select someone that closely matches rather than defies his preferences.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: If my friend Shelby says that she's looking for a dark-haired man with sagacious eyebrows who can simultaneously walk and chew gum,

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_00]: then she should be more likely to enter a relationship with a man that is both intelligent and has eyebrows,

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and that scores high on the sagaciousness scale, assuming he knows what sagaciousness means.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I have not counted the number of studies that focus on interpersonal attraction,

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: the general term used to describe research that is concerned with partner preferences,

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's safe to say that there are hundreds upon hundreds of published research studies on this topic.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: So, do individuals' preferences for a romantic partner when they're single reflect the traits and personalities of their actual future romantic partners?

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: According to my understanding of the available research, there is no definitive answer to this question.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Simply put, we don't know.

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_00]: What do we know?

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Here's a brief summary.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00]: 1. Key finding.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: If you ask people that are in a relationship about their ideal romantic partner preferences,

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: it turns out their current romantic partner is a fairly close match to these preferences.

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Limitations of this work?

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: After entering a relationship, people can change their preferences to match the realities of their new partner,

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and partners can, over time, change each other to more closely match their own preferences.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Thus, we don't know whether

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: A. Those ideals reflect actual ideals held by study participants before they met their current partners,

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: or B. Partners became more ideal over time but didn't initially match the ideals.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: 2. Key finding.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: When reading a description of a possible romantic partner,

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00]: for example, descriptions of people on a dating website,

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: people report being more attracted to potential partners that more versus less match their own preferences.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Limitation of this work?

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: In many of these studies, the potential romantic partner does not really exist,

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: but rather was created by the experimenter.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: No real relationship can ever materialize.

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Therefore, it's not possible to determine if preferences predict actual mate choice.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: 3. Key finding.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: If you ask one group of people the age of their preferred romantic partner,

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and then look at the ages at which another group of people actually got married,

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_00]: there's a lot of overlap.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: That is, men prefer women that are somewhat younger than themselves,

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and women tend to prefer men that are somewhat older than themselves.

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Looking at actual marriage records,

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: men tend to marry women that are younger than themselves,

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and women tend to marry men that are older than themselves.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Limitation of this work?

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Long story short,

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: stated preferences and marriage patterns were never assessed in the same group of people,

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and therefore, we cannot confidently conclude that preferences caused marriage patterns.

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: 4. Key finding.

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: If you have people meet actual potential partners,

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: such as in the context of speed dating,

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_00]: it turns out that people's preferences for what they want in romantic partners

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_00]: does not predict who they say they actually liked during the speed dating event.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: It seems, therefore,

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_00]: that individuals' preferences for a romantic partner

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: predict how much they like written descriptions of other people,

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: but not how much they like actual people after meeting them.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Caveat?

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Using somewhat different getting acquainted research procedures,

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: other researchers have found that people's preferences for romantic partners

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: do predict who they say they liked.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Limitation of this work?

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: All of this research asks about initial attraction or liking,

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and not about actual relationship formation.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: In the existing speed dating research, for example,

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_00]: almost no speed daters actually started dating each other.

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: So, it's impossible to know whether people ultimately pair off with someone who matches their preferences.

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: In none of the research mentioned,

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: is it possible to determine if the preferences of the research participants assessed

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: when they were not in a romantic relationship

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: were associated with the traits and qualities of their romantic partners

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: after they began a new relationship.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Suggesting that the available research provides incontrovertible support for

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_00]: or against the idea that mate preferences matter for actual mate selection

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: is, therefore, largely speculation.

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: We know a lot about people's preferences for future romantic partners,

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: but we know very little about how these preferences influence people's decisions

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to begin romantic relationships with real others

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: that do or do not match their preferences.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Given that a lot of research assumes that preferences matter

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: when people choose to start relationships with new romantic partners,

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and some recent research suggests that preferences do not matter,

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: at least for initial attraction after meeting people at one point in time,

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: a large gap exists between what we think we know

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and the actual research record.

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_00]: As stated clearly by Tullett,

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: quote,

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_00]: A study that uses self-reports of behavior as a proxy for actual behavior

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: is only as informative as the existing knowledge of the association between the two.

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: End quote.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Translation,

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_00]: People telling us what they might do

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: does not substitute for what they actually do.

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Thus, today,

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: our existing knowledge of the association between preferences and actual mate choice

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: is weak.

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Gaps this large in the research literature, however,

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00]: are wonderful research opportunities.

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: But this research opportunity comes with some challenges.

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Researchers need to follow people over time as they enter new relationships.

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Do Your Preferences for a Romantic Partner Influence Your Actual Choice of Romantic Partner?

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_00]: By Dr. Lorne Campbell of loves.com.

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[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_00]: And thanks a lot to Dr. Lorne for his writing and for sharing this research today.

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I really loved, however,

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_00]: how he shared the limitations of a lot of the current research available.

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_00]: And there might be more as well.

[00:09:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Meeting someone who doesn't match our preferences,

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: but is immensely helpful in the face of a personal crisis, for example,

[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_00]: could really accelerate the development of romantic feelings.

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Or if we have a particularly bad breakup with someone who matched our initial preferences,

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_00]: it might be easy to want to just change everything when getting back into the dating arena

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and looking specifically for opposite characteristics.

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So the list could go on.

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_00]: But of course, a takeaway from all of this is that

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_00]: while we want to be patient and accepting of our natural preferences,

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_00]: we also really want to stay mindful

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: of not letting them narrow our lenses too much when looking for a partner.

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_00]: In addition to that,

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_00]: we also want to sort our preferences

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and understand which ones are more meaningful to us than others

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_00]: so we can rightfully designate our relationship negotiables

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and our relationship non-negotiables.

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of good information and self-work can be extracted from this article.

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_00]: And we thank Dr. Lorne once again for that.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And we also thank you for showing up

[00:10:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and for listening to the end and of course for making another episode possible.

[00:10:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Highly appreciate that as always, everyone.

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_00]: It is time to get going though.

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Take care.

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Enjoy the rest of your weekend if you're listening in real time.

[00:11:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And be sure to come on back tomorrow

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_00]: where I will have a post for you from Simply Fiercely

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_00]: about how to take chances in love.

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_00]: That's where your optimal life awaits.

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: …

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: …

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.