2962: 3 Practices To Become A Great Listener by Christine Comaford on The Art of Active Listening

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Finance Daily. Three Practices to Become a Great Listener by Christine Co-Afford of SmartTribesInstitute.com.

[00:01:09] And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diana Merriam.

[00:01:14] Welcome back to another Sunday bonus episode.

[00:01:17] This is where we get to hear from one of the other shows in our podcast network.

[00:01:21] And today's comes from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:25] So with that, here's Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:01:33] Three Practices to Become a Great Listener by Christine Co-Afford of SmartTribesInstitute.com.

[00:01:40] Are any of these phrases familiar to you?

[00:01:43] If so, you may need to brush up on what it means to be a great listener.

[00:01:47] You just don't understand.

[00:01:49] How many times do I have to repeat myself?

[00:01:52] I can't tell if you're distracted or you just don't care.

[00:01:56] Whether you're hearing these phrases or saying them, they're all signs of ineffective listening.

[00:02:01] And ineffective listening can lead to damaged relationships, inefficient use of time and energy,

[00:02:07] and silos between key people in an organization.

[00:02:10] There's no reason to suffer these consequences when, in reality, it's not that hard to be a great listener.

[00:02:16] Here are three steps to being a great listener.

[00:02:20] Step 1. Build Rapport

[00:02:22] By building rapport, we make the other person feel safe by giving them the experience that we are the same as them.

[00:02:29] The more safety you provide to another person, the more safety you provide for yourself when interacting with him or her.

[00:02:36] This frees up your attention and energy to listen to what the other party is communicating.

[00:02:41] It also frees up their attention and energy to express what they are truly thinking.

[00:02:45] Rapport is about caring, not controlling or manipulating.

[00:02:50] There are many ways to build rapport.

[00:02:52] Here are the two we suggest everyone start with.

[00:02:55] Physical Body Mirroring

[00:02:57] By mirroring a person's posture full body position, you step into what it feels like to be them.

[00:03:04] So, for example, if someone is leaning back and has his arms crossed, you do the same.

[00:03:09] Always pause before mirroring so that changing your position isn't rushed or abrasive.

[00:03:16] Key word and gesture backtracking

[00:03:19] Mirroring the words a person uses to describe their experience and the gestures they use, too, furthers same as.

[00:03:26] If someone says, I'd like to go the extra mile while slicing the air with their hand,

[00:03:31] you can respond by gesturing similarly and backtracking their keywords.

[00:03:35] Yes, let's go the extra mile.

[00:03:38] Note, this does not mean paraphrasing, which does not build rapport.

[00:03:42] Using their keywords is important.

[00:03:44] Step 2. Use the meta model.

[00:03:48] You'll often hear people use non-specific phrases, such as,

[00:03:52] I find this task too difficult.

[00:03:54] Often, we assume we understand what the person means by too difficult.

[00:03:59] For a software programmer, too difficult might mean they have been asked to develop a better version of Microsoft Word by themselves.

[00:04:06] For you, too difficult might mean you need more time to complete a specific task.

[00:04:11] We all have our biases.

[00:04:13] Key to clarifying what someone means is to use what's called the meta model in neurolinguistics.

[00:04:19] The meta model helps us see the world from the other person's perspective, rather than our own.

[00:04:24] The most useful meta model questions you can use to show your great listener include,

[00:04:30] What specifically?

[00:04:31] How specifically?

[00:04:33] And, In comparison to who slash what exactly?

[00:04:37] Given the example we discussed, you could ask the person any of the following questions.

[00:04:42] What specifically is this task that you find too difficult?

[00:04:45] How is this task too difficult specifically?

[00:04:49] Too difficult in comparison to what specifically?

[00:04:53] Step 3. Make it easier for them to express themselves.

[00:04:57] What we say to someone can make it easier for them to express themselves and feel heard.

[00:05:02] Key is to first understand the root cause of why ineffective listening and communicating occurs.

[00:05:08] A lack of the three key emotional experiences of safety, belonging, and mattering.

[00:05:14] Number 1. Lack of safety.

[00:05:17] If the persons in communication do not feel safe, they'll likely be in critter state.

[00:05:23] This can lead to defensive behavior, aggressive interactions, and conflict avoidance.

[00:05:28] Rather than telling each other openly what they mean, a lot of their attention is directed

[00:05:32] to making sure they aren't being harmed emotionally or physically.

[00:05:36] Number 2. Lack of belonging.

[00:05:39] Without sufficient belonging, people will not care to share what they want to say.

[00:05:44] And they won't care to listen to what others want to share either.

[00:05:48] People want to feel connected to and supported by the people they belong with.

[00:05:52] Colleagues, industry peers, friends, and family.

[00:05:56] Number 3. Lack of mattering.

[00:05:59] If two people communicating don't make each other feel they are important and they matter,

[00:06:04] it's difficult to feel heard, understood, and respected.

[00:06:07] People want to know they count, that they make a difference, and are contributing to the greater good.

[00:06:13] Safety, belonging, and mattering are essential to your brain and your ability to perform at work,

[00:06:19] at home, and in life overall.

[00:06:21] In every communication, we are subconsciously reinforcing or reaching out for more safety, belonging, and mattering.

[00:06:28] Try these three steps and start becoming a great listener.

[00:06:32] You'll find your interactions will be more fun and more fulfilling as well.

[00:06:40] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:42] Three Practices to Become a Great Listener, by Christine Comerford of SmartTribesInstitute.com

[00:06:50] And a little bit about Christine.

[00:06:52] She is a leadership and culture coach at SmartTribes Institute,

[00:06:55] where she helps you align your behaviors with strategies that cultivate high potential talent from within your organization.

[00:07:02] I think that should come as no surprise to anyone based on that wonderful and well-thought-out article she provided us with today.

[00:07:09] It's easy sometimes to dismiss conversations,

[00:07:12] whether we're the ones that want someone else to listen or are being asked to listen ourselves,

[00:07:16] but Christine did such a great job of illustrating the nuances of these interactions

[00:07:22] and the part they play in creating ideal conversations for both parties.

[00:07:26] So, check out SmartTribesInstitute.com for a lot more.

[00:07:29] We always encourage you to check out our contributor shows and show them support,

[00:07:33] and I can tell you that Christine's content is particularly strong.

[00:07:37] We have now reached the end of today's episode, my dear friends.

[00:07:41] I hope you enjoy the rest of your Tuesday,

[00:07:43] and I will look forward to seeing you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.