2978: How to Avoid Sabotaging Yourself (To Be Accepted) by Beth Wittig Clayton on Overcome Self-Sabotage

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Finance Daily, How to Avoid Sabotaging Yourself To Be Accepted by Beth Wittig Clayton with MarkFisherFitness.com.

[00:00:10] And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diana Merriam.

[00:00:15] Welcome back to our Sunday bonus episode where I share an article with you from a different podcast in our network to keep your life nice and optimized.

[00:00:24] Today's episode comes from Optimal Health Daily. You can find that show wherever you're listening to this.

[00:00:30] And with that, here's Dr. Neal with the post and commentary as we optimize your life.

[00:00:40] How to Avoid Sabotaging Yourself To Be Accepted by Beth Wittig Clayton with MarkFisherFitness.com.

[00:00:49] Once upon a time, I was working with an actress who was on the brink of big success.

[00:00:54] She had tasted some pretty incredible opportunities, but something was keeping her feelings stuck and she wasn't quite sure what it was.

[00:01:03] She wasn't booking and she didn't feel like she was hitting it out of the park anymore.

[00:01:07] Now, as any in the industry knows, she could have been hitting it out of the park and still not booking.

[00:01:13] But somewhere in her, she knew that wasn't the case.

[00:01:16] She knew she wasn't putting her best foot forward.

[00:01:19] She was creating excuses to avoid responsibility for the vision she created, for her body, health and career.

[00:01:26] When we dug deep one day, we realized how clear the reasons beneath the sabotage really were.

[00:01:32] The reason she was having trouble following through was because deep down, she felt if she succeeded on a new level,

[00:01:39] it could affect or hurt the people closest to her.

[00:01:42] It could make her circle of friends, mostly actors, compare themselves.

[00:01:47] The unknown could threaten the relationship with a partner she loved.

[00:01:51] If her relationship with food was no longer holding her back,

[00:01:54] she might just be more powerful than she knew how to handle.

[00:01:57] She just might wind up in a position where those closest to her decided she was too big for her britches.

[00:02:04] They might reject her. They might leave her out. She might wind up alone.

[00:02:10] Why do I bring this up?

[00:02:11] I bring this up because I see this all the time.

[00:02:15] This, my friends, is classic self-sabotage.

[00:02:19] There are two types of self-sabotage that can creep into our best efforts like tar and clog it all up.

[00:02:26] Number one, our own inner fear of change.

[00:02:29] Better than the devil we know, right?

[00:02:31] And number two, fear of losing love and acceptance from friends, family, or our community.

[00:02:38] This second type of sabotage gets right to the root of our most primal instincts to fit in,

[00:02:44] to be validated, and to seek love, lest we be left alone to fend for ourselves.

[00:02:50] I hear of this quite often when clients start to succeed and get what they want.

[00:02:54] They feel their friends and family are diminishing the experience.

[00:02:57] They may say things like, are you going to go anorexic on me?

[00:03:01] When the person is totally at a healthy weight, by the way.

[00:03:04] If you stop drinking as much, what the hell are we going to do together?

[00:03:08] Or, you're fine the way you are. I don't want you to change.

[00:03:12] Or, you are so boring now. I liked you better before.

[00:03:17] Or finally, you're all weird since you started doing X, Y, Z.

[00:03:22] When we look at the reasons someone might say these things, it's not hard to see what it typically has to do with their own fear.

[00:03:29] They may fear losing that person as they change.

[00:03:32] They may fear how that person's success may reflect on their own and make them question themselves in an uncomfortable way.

[00:03:39] So, they may invalidate the person succeeding to lessen that feeling of discomfort or failure.

[00:03:46] And, to cover up their own avoidance of taking responsibility in their lives.

[00:03:51] Without the courage to risk and fail, they may even hope their friend fails.

[00:03:56] Or, the person trying to succeed may be creating a story that isn't actually occurring, which is a very real possibility.

[00:04:04] They could be taking someone's comments to mean they are going to be rejected, even when that was not intended.

[00:04:11] Especially if part of the way they bond with one another is through the activity that is now changing, like drinking or eating.

[00:04:19] What if my partner and I can't eat cookies in bed together anymore?

[00:04:22] What if my best friend and I can't bond over what a mess our work lives are anymore?

[00:04:27] Bring on the sabotage.

[00:04:29] Security, safety, belonging, and acceptance have now been threatened.

[00:04:33] Whether it was intended or not.

[00:04:36] Bring on the sugar.

[00:04:37] Bring on the booze.

[00:04:39] Screw the gym.

[00:04:40] They may start slacking off at work and sleeping in.

[00:04:43] They are willing to trade in their vision and their own happiness to ensure safety in their relationships.

[00:04:50] Does this sound familiar to you?

[00:04:52] If so, how can you step out of your own way?

[00:04:56] Recognize self-sabotage for what it is.

[00:04:59] Yes, it does prey on your survival instinct.

[00:05:02] But once there is awareness, you can create a new possibility for how you interact with it.

[00:05:08] You can start to see that the voices in our heads are not indeed you, but part of a constantly running commentary designed to fix perceived problems and avoid emotional risk.

[00:05:18] The voice may say,

[00:05:20] Get one more glass of wine so no one makes fun of you again.

[00:05:24] Or, order the cheese fries so she doesn't feel fat.

[00:05:28] You do not need to let them own you, but rather simply acknowledge them for what they are.

[00:05:33] A coping mechanism to keep you feeling safe.

[00:05:36] The voices may yell and scream like children do.

[00:05:39] They tend to throw the tantrum as the last resort.

[00:05:42] You, however, are still in the driver's seat.

[00:05:45] Accept that relationships will change regardless.

[00:05:49] And that's okay.

[00:05:50] When I became a health coach and started taking more responsibility for myself and my life,

[00:05:56] a lot of my relationships did start to change as a lot of my relationships were based on commiserating about my acting.

[00:06:03] Some friendships actually became ten times stronger, and some fell away.

[00:06:08] New and stronger relationships emerged.

[00:06:11] That is a natural part of personal change and will happen regardless of whether you hide from it,

[00:06:16] as others will also be changing.

[00:06:19] You can sit in the driver's seat and stand for relationships that are important to you from a place of honesty and empowerment.

[00:06:26] Empower your friends and family by being the change and asking for their support.

[00:06:34] When clients experience this, I sometimes ask,

[00:06:37] what made you come to me in the first place?

[00:06:40] Typically, tension, discomfort, and dissatisfaction preempted their reaching out and seeking support.

[00:06:46] By making themselves smaller and breaking their words to themselves, they not only sabotage themselves,

[00:06:53] but also enable the people they care about to sit in their own dissatisfaction longer.

[00:06:59] If someone feels threatened, it is because they desire something more for themselves,

[00:07:04] but may not yet have the courage to try.

[00:07:07] Give your friends or family the benefit of the doubt.

[00:07:10] If you feel they are hurting you as you change, be honest about your observations

[00:07:14] and ask for their help in the opportunity you are creating for yourself.

[00:07:19] Invite them into supporting you and share what that would mean to you.

[00:07:23] By doing this, you can step out of self-sabotage and into possibility.

[00:07:28] And maybe they could too.

[00:07:29] P.S. That actress from the beginning has now broken through her glass ceiling.

[00:07:35] She is kicking and taking names.

[00:07:38] Just saying.

[00:07:43] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:45] How to Avoid Sabotaging Yourself to be Accepted by Beth Witted Clayton with markfisherfitness.com.

[00:07:52] Dr. Neil here for my commentary.

[00:07:55] I used to instruct group weight management classes.

[00:07:58] These classes were for patients whose doctors referred them because they needed to lose weight.

[00:08:03] It was a 12-week class and each week for an hour and a half,

[00:08:08] we would discuss topics like diet, the ABCs of creating new habits,

[00:08:13] the importance of exercise, you know, the usual.

[00:08:16] But by week six, the class's midpoint, we switched gears.

[00:08:21] We left all of that typical stuff behind

[00:08:24] and we talked about things like avoiding relapse.

[00:08:28] The other topic?

[00:08:29] Self-sabotage.

[00:08:31] Self-sabotage was so common that we had to discuss it.

[00:08:36] Patients would fear that by losing weight,

[00:08:38] their partners, their friends, and their family would think differently of them.

[00:08:43] Their partners would worry that if they started to lose too much weight and look too good,

[00:08:47] they would leave them for someone else.

[00:08:49] It was no wonder these patients were both excited and afraid about the attention they would get

[00:08:54] as a result of their new appearance.

[00:08:57] You want to know the advice I would give to these patients?

[00:08:59] Well, today's author, Beth, explained it perfectly.

[00:09:03] Approach those closest to you and share your goals with them.

[00:09:07] Ask them for their love and support.

[00:09:10] This signals to them that the you they have always known and loved isn't going away.

[00:09:17] Instead, you're just realizing your potential.

[00:09:21] All right.

[00:09:21] That wraps up today's episode.

[00:09:23] Thank you so much for listening.

[00:09:25] Thank you for being a subscriber.

[00:09:26] I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day

[00:09:28] and I'll see you back here tomorrow for another Friday Q&A episode

[00:09:31] and where your optimal life awaits.