3082: How to Win a Negotiation Without Destroying Relationships by Seth Sinclair

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[00:00:55] So press play on good sleep tonight, because a good tomorrow starts with a good night's sleep. Just search for Good Sleep in your podcast app, and be sure to pick the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Finance Daily, How to Win a Negotiation Without Destroying Relationships, by Seth Sinclair with michaelmelberg.com.

[00:01:20] And I'm your host and personal finance enthusiast, Diana Merriam. Welcome back to another bonus Sunday episode. This is where we get to hear from one of our other shows in our podcast network. And today's comes from Optimal Relationships Daily. So with that, here's Greg, as we optimize your life.

[00:01:44] How to Win a Negotiation Without Destroying Relationships, by Seth Sinclair with michaelmelberg.com. Too often, we approach negotiations as a competition or a zero-sum game. When we view negotiations from this perspective, it implies that there must be winners and losers. In turn, we begin to see the other side as the enemy, and the negotiation becomes adversarial. The problem is further compounded when we dig into positions.

[00:02:14] Our egos become tied to them, and we are less likely to consider interests or think creatively about what might be possible. Emotions also run high as pressure and stakes increase. These conditions increase the chance of harmful conflict while reducing the chance of achieving a wise outcome. These conditions also put relationships at risk. Whether you are dealing with one or more parties, relationships are at the heart of negotiations.

[00:02:40] This is especially critical when we are negotiating with friends, colleagues, family members, partners, and neighbors. The key to avoiding an adversarial negotiation. To avoid an adversarial negotiation, one characterized by suspicion, resentment, and damaged trust, view the other side as a partner in a problem-solving exercise. This is a core premise of the principle negotiation method advocated by the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

[00:03:09] Following this approach, you literally imagine yourself sitting side by side with them as you work through the negotiation process. Even if the other side has significantly differing interests and goals, it doesn't automatically mean they are the enemy. We have to remember that they are people with their own unique needs. By separating the people from the problem, we make partnership possible. A partnership approach increases the chances of achieving positive outcomes while sustaining or even strengthening relationships.

[00:03:39] The getting-to-yes framework offers some concrete steps you can follow to focus on the problem without being too hard on the people you are negotiating with. 1. Perception If we see the other side as a villain, we will assume the worst in their intentions. We will be quick to judge what they say and blame them for problems and frustrations that arise in the negotiation. The easiest way to alter your perception is to put yourself in their shoes.

[00:04:06] This means taking the time to honestly assess the other side's interests and emotions. Ask yourself, what might they want? What might be driving their positions? And what emotions are they experiencing and why? 2. Emotion In any difficult conversation where emotions run high, we are subject to an emotional hijack.

[00:04:27] This occurs when our emotions overwhelm us and result in self-defeating behaviors, e.g. saying things we don't mean out of anger or withholding what we really mean. Learn to watch for your personal emotional triggers and seek to respond skillfully when the situation becomes emotionally charged. Ask yourself the questions, what do I really want from this? And will my reaction help me to achieve my goals? Pay attention to the other side's emotions as well, watching to see if trust and respect are at risk.

[00:04:57] If you notice this happening, acknowledge the issue and encourage the other side to express their feelings and perceptions. Let them blow off steam if needed. 3. Communication Another strategy that will create trust and partnership is to listen actively throughout a negotiation. This means suspending judgment and giving the other side your full attention when they speak. Be curious about what they're saying and watch for cues that there might be more behind their words.

[00:05:25] Ask follow-up questions and reflect back what you hear to confirm understanding. 4. Prevention In instances where you know a negotiation is forthcoming, you can be proactive about building a relationship with the other side. Seek opportunities to learn about them and to demonstrate that you are a trustworthy collaborator. Separating people from the problem, a negotiation example

[00:05:50] Let's use a simple example to illustrate how separating people from the problem can serve you well in reaching solutions while preserving relationships. Imagine that you just relocated your business into new office space. You signed a multi-year lease and there aren't many other options in the area. Within days of moving in, it quickly becomes apparent that you have an issue with the neighboring business. You expected a quiet and professional setting, but the neighboring business is quite noisy and it is disrupting your day-to-day work.

[00:06:19] You speak with the owner next door, but she asserts that there isn't much she can do to change the situation. A few more days pass and your frustration continues to build. At this point, it would be easy to 1. Develop a view of your neighboring owner as rude and inconsiderate. You tell yourself that she is a selfish jerk and that she does not respect you and your business. 2. Angrily approach the owner and demand that she stops all noise immediately or else.

[00:06:46] 3. Become locked in an ongoing adversarial battle that involves insults and continued back and forth with the neighbor. None of these approaches will help you solve your problem. In each case, you're still stuck with the noise problem. You've also contributed to a negative relationship with the person that you are going to be interacting with regularly for the next several years. How might you handle this situation if you choose to separate the people from the problem? Finding a shared interest and a solution

[00:07:16] 1. Consider that the owner next door likely has a shared interest with you, to be able to run her business in a fruitful way. 2. Consider that it is unlikely that she has any motivation to harm your business operations. Ask yourself, what is most important to her? If you speak with her about the issue and sense that the conversation is becoming heated, slow yourself down before you are drawn into an unhelpful exchange.

[00:07:40] 3. Remind yourself that you have an interest in getting past this issue and that it helps to acknowledge the emotion behind the situation. You might say, I know this is important to both of us and that emotions are strong. How can we team up to find a solution? Listen carefully to what she has to say. Be open-minded about her perspective and ideas. Work with her as a partner to brainstorm creative solutions to the problem. While this approach does not guarantee a perfect solution,

[00:08:08] it may lead to several creative options that would not have risen in an adversarial environment. For example, you may agree to certain quiet hours, assisting her with reconfiguring her space to reduce the noise, or sharing the cost of soundproofing a shared wall. Even if the issue comes to an impasse and is escalated to a third party for resolution, this approach may enable you to develop an ongoing relationship with the owner that is based on respect and understanding.

[00:08:39] You just listened to the post titled, How to Win a Negotiation Without Destroying Relationships, by Seth Sinclair with michaelmelberg.com. Super interesting read today, so thank you so much to Seth for that. I just love freshening up the show with new ways to look at relationships, and relationships through the lens of negotiation are very rarely discussed. So, a very enlightening and mindful approach to negotiation. It's easier, not always easy, but easier,

[00:09:09] to bring that mindset to those who we love, right? But it's hard to bring it to those we instinctively feel a sense of competition with. So, an absolutely wonderful article for anyone who has to negotiate. There's always time to consider the needs of others. Always, always, always. We are all done for today, though, folks. Thank you so much for stopping in, and I will see you tomorrow for a post by a brand new author on mothering and fathering, where your optimal life awaits.