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Episode 3610:
Rosalyn Palmer explores how what we commonly experience as anger is often a protective response masking deeper emotions such as hurt, fear, frustration, or feeling disrespected. By learning to identify these underlying triggers and challenge initial assumptions, listeners can gain greater emotional awareness, respond more thoughtfully to difficult situations, and break long-standing reactive patterns.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://rosalynpalmer.com/getting-to-the-root-of-your-anger/
Quotes to ponder:
"Another way to gain clarity in any situation where you become angry is to ask yourself: “What is it in me that becomes angry at this person/situation?” and also “What is it about this person/situation that makes me angry?”."
"Self-evidently it is a good idea to remove yourself as much as possible from trigger people and situations but this may not always be entirely possible as we live in families and communities and work with others."
"As you will know, we are hardwired to avoid such situations and our bodies can easily kick into flight or flight mode."
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[00:00:54] Welcome back to another bonus Sunday episode. This is where we get to hear from one of the other shows in our podcast network. And today's comes from Optimal Relationships Daily. So with that, here's Greg as we optimize your life. Getting to the root of your anger by Rosalyn Palmer of rosalindpalmer.com.
[00:01:21] In my book, Reset, I openly admit to being angry, often in the past and even breaking things when I reached a boiling point. Recently, I had occasion to get angry again, something I hadn't done for a long time. It made me look at this emotion. I tell my clients that it is a secondary emotion. This means that we tend to use anger as a dynamic shield to protect us from the primary emotions fueling it below the surface.
[00:01:48] You can learn to identify these primary emotions by recognizing what you felt immediately before the anger kicked in. Usually, these will include the likes of feeling fear, being hurt physically or emotionally, via harsh criticism for example, finding offense, or a feeling of being disrespected, trapped, or frustrated at not being able to get what you want. In a therapy session, I spend a lot of time working out with the client what these underlying trigger emotions are.
[00:02:17] So, back to me reaching boiling point recently. Well, as someone going through menopause, I would say in my defense that this is closer than it used to be years ago. In truth, I realize that anger is part of the human experience, and I now say to myself, I am angry because I am feeling insert underlying trigger emotion here. In this case, it was hurt. I am feeling hurt because I feel, dig a bit deeper, let down. And I feel let down because dot dot dot.
[00:02:47] This allowed me to see that this was part of an old pattern. Another way to gain clarity in any situation where you become angry is to ask yourself, What is it in me that becomes angry at this person or situation? And also, what is it about this person or situation that makes me angry? This is because it is easier to change yourself and your reactions to people and situations than it is to change the external world. Tempting as it may seem to retire from the world and live on a desert island,
[00:03:16] I have actually tried this, and the truth is that you always take yourself with you. Self-evidently, it is a good idea to remove yourself as much as possible from trigger people and situations, but this may not always be entirely possible, as we live in families and communities and work with others. So, here is a useful exercise that you can do anytime you are angry. Ask yourself the following questions. What am I angry at?
[00:03:44] What is it about that which makes me angry? And what is it about that which makes me angry? Let's take an example. Someone at work makes a hurtful comment about your appearance. What am I angry at? A remark about my appearance. What is it about that which makes me angry? I feel that I am not valued or seen for who I am. And what is it about that which makes me angry? If I am not valued for who I am,
[00:04:11] then I am being reduced, disrespected, not valued as being enough. What is important in this exercise is to keep personal language about the other person, or shoulds and oughts, out of the answers in that second column. So, keep it to, I feel that I am not valued for who I am, rather than, he, she should value me for who I am. This pushes the problem onto them and stops you from looking at what you bring to the situation. You can, if you want,
[00:04:39] notice that the third set of responses in the right-hand column could be drilled down even further, as underneath it all is a primitive fear of being annihilated, either through rejection or fatal harm. As you know, we are hardwired to avoid such situations, and our bodies can easily kick into fight-or-flight mode. This is really unhelpful and unhealthy, as it will flood your body with cortisol and cloud-clear thinking. So, an added tool in your hashtag mindhack toolkit to get you away from the anger boiling point
[00:05:09] is to then ask yourself, what else could this mean? Sticking with the example of the hurtful comments about your appearance, then this could also mean, for example, that 1. The other person has different values which govern how they think people should look. 2. The other person has your best interest at heart and wants you to realize that how you look sends certain signals which you may not want to send. Again, this is according to their values, perhaps, or it may be useful feedback for you.
[00:05:39] 3. The other person did not think before they spoke and it was of no significance to them. It may have even been a poor attempt at humor. 4. The other person was simply being clumsy and did not intend to hurt you. Etc. Just realizing that your first response that will be triggered by our primal instincts and your own early experiences to the person or situation isn't the only possible explanation that allows you to calm your body and mind and choose how and when to react.
[00:06:09] You may, having thought about it for a while, concluded that the other person is out of line by making such personal comments and that this cannot be ignored. However, you will then take your power back as you can choose when and how to address this rather than being like an angry bear stung by a bee. You just listened to the post titled Getting to the Root of Your Anger by Rosalyn Palmer of rosalynpalmer.com
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[00:07:35] Join the million-plus people trusting Wealthfront. Visit wealthfront.com slash OFD. Terms and conditions apply. This is a paid endorsement of Wealthfront. Client experiences will vary. Wealthfront brokerage is not a bank. The base APY is as of January 30th, 2026, and subject to change. For more information, please see the episode description. Eczema is unpredictable, but you can flare less with EpGliss, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema.
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[00:08:34] or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EpGliss. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EpGliss. Before starting EpGliss, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Ask your doctor about EpGliss and visit epgliss.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. And what a wonderful post from Rosalyn today, an extraordinarily dense post as this methodology is both extremely simple
[00:09:03] and extremely effective. The few questions she's listed that we can ask ourselves as well as the quick theorizing about what else could be meant by someone's comments makes for a very fast process and a process that can be applied to any uncomfortable situation, not just anger. What it does is help you to break from the primal instincts that Rosalyn mentioned, these needs for protection and self-defense. When we can instead look within ourselves to see what's underneath these feelings,
[00:09:32] as well as theorize about what's underneath the words we hear from someone else, the less-than-helpful patterns that we have to immediately go to battle dwindle away. And once we are in the habit of reminding ourselves of what's underneath the quick words and quick reactions, we become much more understanding, not to mention compassionate, of ourselves and others. So don't miss an opportunity to put to practice what Rosalyn has taught today. That is it for now though, my friends. I appreciate you being here today and sticking to it till the end.
[00:10:01] I'll be back with you again tomorrow as I am every weekday. Be sure to come on back and listen then, where your optimal life awaits. Let's see you again tomorrow.