3682: How to Eliminate Working Mom Guilt by Julie Morgenstern on Work-Life Balance

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[00:00:54] This is Optimal Finance Daily. How to Eliminate Working Mom Guilt by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com. And I'm Justin Malek. Welcome back to our bonus Sunday episode where I share an episode from a different podcast in our network. Today I have one from Optimal Relationships Daily, which overlaps pretty well with what we talk about here. So with that, here's Greg with the bonus post as we optimize your life.

[00:01:23] How to Eliminate Working Mom Guilt by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com.

[00:01:35] Ginny loved her work. A vice president of marketing for an ad agency, in many ways her work defined her. She found the chance to innovate and solve problems for clients incredibly stimulating, energizing, and satisfying. Creative work ignited her soul. Her ambition was to develop an impeccable reputation in her field, and perhaps one day, to start her own firm.

[00:01:57] Her work ethic, of which she was very proud, led her to say yes to many projects and do whatever it took to deliver excellence. Yet, Ginny's passion for her work made her feel guilty.

[00:02:08] It took time away from her kids, 7, 11, and 13, and often distracted her when they were together. Her brain was constantly churning with work challenges. It was hard to turn work off at night and on weekends. She wondered constantly if she should put her goals and passion on hold to be a better parent for her kids.

[00:02:28] Ginny's question, to work or not to work, is emblematic of a struggle that many parents face. We find satisfaction in our work, but we worry that it keeps us from spending enough time with our kids.

[00:02:40] Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of Families and Work Institute, has been studying this, and many other aspects of work and family life, for decades. Observing this phenomenon of guilt, which exists despite the fact that not a single study, nope, not one, concluded that moms or dads working has a negative impact on children, Galinsky had an innovative idea that might settle matters.

[00:03:04] Why don't we see what kids have to say? In the late 90s, she and her team conducted a landmark study called Ask the Children to explore kids' perspectives on working parents. Surveying over 1,000 children ages 8 to 18, Galinsky asked both parents and children a series of questions about how they felt about their parents working. Her findings were not only fascinating, but incredibly liberating. Here are three of the biggest insights.

[00:03:32] Number one, it's not whether we work, but how we feel about work that impacts kids. When we feel conflicted about working, we are often reluctant to share how much we love our jobs. The guilt we feel departing in the morning leads us to say things such as, I wish I didn't have to work. I hate to leave, but mommy or daddy has to work. If I don't go to work, we won't be able to afford toys, games, new clothes, etc. Inadvertently, we're sending a message that leads kids to think,

[00:04:02] My parents hate working. They're only working because of me. Number two, when adults and kids were both asked what kids would most like to change about their parents' work lives, the contrast in answers was startling. The majority, 56% of parents, thought that their kids would wish for more time with them. Yet, only 10% of kids actually chose this answer.

[00:04:25] What most kids actually wanted, 34%, was for their parents to be less stressed and tired from work when they were together. Number three, as it turns out, kids want parents to love their work, just not more than they love them. So, if you love your work, share that. Talk about it as a source of fulfillment, meaning, and self-development, something your kids should aspire to find in school and in their future career.

[00:04:52] And if you don't love your work, try your best to embrace and share with your kids the things you do like about it. The paycheck, the flexibility, your co-workers. Your sense of choice will relieve your kids of the burden of thinking that you are only working this miserable job because of them. Your relationship to your work serves as a role model to your kids. Work is an integral part of the human experience. Finding work you love, making a contribution to your community,

[00:05:20] and earning money to support yourself and those who depend on you are incredibly valuable life skills to impart on your children. Whether you work out of necessity, passion, or a combo of the two, extract guilt from the equation. Guilt about work is nothing but mental clutter that only serves to steal additional time and energy from being present for quality time with your kids and for yourself. And as we now know, that's all our kids truly want.

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[00:08:11] Please support the show and tell them we sent you. An extremely compact post today from Julie, and a very enlightening one. I really enjoyed the findings from the study she referenced, and I imagine it will lift a weight off the shoulders of many parents. Yet it might not, because I would venture to guess that many parents that feel as though they should be working less are making a mistake that we all make in many areas of life,

[00:08:37] and that is putting our own values and priorities on other people, assuming they share the same sentiments. We think our children want us around more because we want to be around them more, because we realize our time with them as youngsters is precious and fleeting. They, on the other hand, cannot grasp that, and therefore are not as preoccupied with the amount of time, but rather the quality of it. So I love this post not only because of the surprising conclusions, but because it serves

[00:09:06] as a great reminder to take time and seek the values and opinions of those that our choices are affecting, rather than putting our own beliefs on them, even if they are kids and we feel we know what's best for them in the long run. That takes us to the end of this wonderful ORD segment, my friends. Thank you so much for being here. I am wishing you the most wonderful weekends, and I will look forward to seeing you on Monday, where we start a new week of great content and where your optimal life awaits.