2092: Be the Change You Wish to See in Your Relationship by Terry Gaspard of the Gottman Institute on Vulnerability & Intimacy

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily Episode 292. Be the Change You Wish to See in Your Relationship by Terry Gaspard of the Gottman.com

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and welcome back to another installment of ORD hosted and narrated by me, Greg Audino.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here with you every single day to read and offer commentary on some of the best relationship blogs around.

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Today we will hear from Gotman.com, aka the Gotman Institute which is one of the best resources for anyone

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00]: to access material on how to improve their relationships and this one covers some very important concepts.

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So let's get into it and start optimizing your life. Be the Change You Wish to See in Your Relationship by Terry Gaspard of

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Gottman.com. Ben and Alicia are both waiting for the other person to change. I see it all the time

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: in my private practice. I've been miserable for years, complaints Ben. I've asked Alicia to give me space

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: but things don't appear to be changing. It feels like I can't breathe. Ben has his friends over every

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: weekend, Alicia reflects. He doesn't consider my needs and I feel so alone. If you want your partner to change,

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: start by accepting them for who they are. In the seven principles for making marriage work,

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Dr. John Gottman says quote, people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and accepted the way that they are. When people feel criticized, disliked and unappreciated,

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_00]: they are unable to change. Instead they feel under siege and dig into protect themselves.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And quote, instead of criticizing your partner, remind yourself of all the things you appreciate about them

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and share those things with them. Be genuinely interested in learning about why they see or do

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: something differently than you, and be open to respecting and even celebrating what makes each of you unique.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Of course, there are some things that should never be tolerated in a relationship, like abuse,

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: addiction or infidelity. These behaviors should be addressed in a loving and direct way

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: with the help of a professional. Even in those cases, it is possible to accept the person

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_00]: even if you do not accept their behavior. Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: What Ben and Alicia don't realize is that they aren't really arguing about the amount of time

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: they spend together. The underlying issue in their marriage is that neither partners

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: able to express their needs in a non-believeful way. They had never discussed what alone time

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and time together meant to each of them. By talking about this in my office, Ben finally understood

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Alicia's fear of being alone. His understanding led him to carve out time to spend together on

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: weekends. Couple seeking a deeper emotional connection need to understand that vulnerability and

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: intimacy go hand in hand. In other words, intimacy can only occur when partners are vulnerable

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00]: enough to share their deepest hopes, fears and dreams without judgment. Change starts with you.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you spend more time questioning your partners' words or actions than examining your own?

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Blaming your partner can feel good in the moment, but it's dangerous because it can lead to anger

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and resentment. Conflict is not a bad thing in relationships. After watching thousands of

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: couples in his lab for over 40 years, Dr. Gottman discovered a simple truth. All couples argue.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: The difference between the couples that stay together and the ones who divorce

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: is the way they repair after conflict. The masters of relationships take responsibility for their

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: role on the issue and change their own behavior. Dr. Gottman explains, quote,

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: the couples that don't repair those hurts end up with festering wounds that grow bigger by the day,

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: the month and the year until they finally break the couple apart. Repair is absolutely crucial in

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: any kind of relationship, particularly intimate relationships, and quote,

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: here are four things you can do instead of trying to change your partner that can change your

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship for the better. Number one, be a better partner. Many people stay in bad relationships

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: with the desire to change their partner. In marriage rules, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes, quote,

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_00]: if you don't change your part in a stuck pattern, no change will occur. Change comes from the bottom

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: that is from the person who is in the most pain or who has the least power, or who is lost or

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: compromised too much in the relationship and quote. Number two, focus on the issues at hand.

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: When you focus on changing your partner, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: a solution. You're no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on the issues at hand to meet both of your

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00]: anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear and frustration. So, speak in eye statements

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and focus on expressing your feelings in a vulnerable way that invites your partner to understand

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: your pain rather than pushes them away. Number three, take responsibility. We are responsible for how

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: our words and actions make our partner feel. Apologize to your partner by taking responsibility

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: for the problem, even just a small piece and this will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and allow you both to move on. Number four, complain without blame. In why marriages succeed or fail,

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Gottman explains that criticizing your partner is one of the four horsemen that predicts

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_00]: divorce. It's different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The criticism attacks

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: the core of a person's character while a complaint focuses on a specific behavior. Successful

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: couples remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt and consider that they are both doing

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: the best they can. In the science of trust, Dr. Gottman advises couples to talk about their

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: feelings in terms of a positive need instead of what they don't need. By being good friends,

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_00]: you can build a healthy bond that will help you repair and navigate challenging moments together.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: There is a saying to be the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi advises us, quote,

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_00]: if we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_00]: nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him and quote, I believe this to be true

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: in relationships as well. Instead of trying to change your partner, be the change you wish to see

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: in your relationship. You just listen to the post titled, be the change you wish to see in your

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship by Terry Gaspar of Gotman.com. All right and thanks to Terry for providing us with

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: yet another post this week that challenges us to consider how we can think about healthy change

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: in our relationships and take accountability for that. One part of this article I really liked

[00:07:11] [SPEAKER_00]: was the quote from John Gottman early on about how people are more apt to changing if they already

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: feel liked and appreciated. This is a wonderful addition to the article, not only because it's

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_00]: terrific advice, but because we should always be thinking about how people receive information

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and suggestions. Under what circumstances do you think someone would feel safe enough to make changes?

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, how about if they have someone doing it alongside them? Sure. So what if you were to start

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: making changes this way by making space for both you and your partner to maybe talk about frustrations,

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and then committing to changes together? Or what if whichever one of you would like to make a change

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and list the help of the other? So how can you deliberately support and make change easier for one another?

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Like we all know that how we react to certain words, stimuli, social cues, whatever

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00]: depends on many different factors. This is true of all people. So think about how to use this

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: truth to your advantage before creating change for yourself or helping your partner do the same.

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: But with that we are going to wrap things up for today, everybody. Once again, a big thank you

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to Terry for sharing and of course thanks to all of you for tuning in and doing right by your

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: relationships today. Enjoy the rest of your day and be sure to join us again tomorrow for more

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: where your optimal life awaits.