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Episode 2094:
Denaye Barahona, contributing to Erica Layne's site, shares insightful reflections on the pressures of modern parenthood, urging parents to embrace simplicity over the relentless pursuit of perfection. Barahona, drawing from her own transformation from a "Know-It-All" to a "Do-It-All" parent, highlights the importance of letting go of certain pressures for the benefit of both parents and their children, advocating for a parenting approach that fosters growth, development, and independence.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://ericalayne.co/pressures-parents-can-let-go/
Quotes to ponder:
"Once you let go of all the extra baggage, you will see that your children will thrive. Because less is more, even when it comes to parenting."
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[00:00:45] Now onto the show.
[00:00:48] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2094.
[00:00:52] Five exhausting pressures parents can let go of forever.
[00:00:56] By Danae Barraona with EricaLane.co
[00:01:00] Hello everybody and thank you so much for stopping in for another parenting episode of ORD,
[00:01:05] and I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino.
[00:01:08] Today I'll be reading to you from Erica Lane's site, a post written by Danae Barraona,
[00:01:13] who has guest written for several sites we share from across the network.
[00:01:17] Her name comes up an awful lot as she is wise about many topics.
[00:01:21] So let's hear what she has to say today about how parents can slow themselves down
[00:01:24] a bit and the benefits that come from doing so as we optimize your life.
[00:01:31] Five exhausting pressures parents can let go of forever by Danae Barraona with EricaLane.co.
[00:01:42] Prior to becoming a parent myself, I was a know-it-all.
[00:01:46] Shortly after joining the ranks of motherhood, I quickly became a do-it-all.
[00:01:51] Let me explain the difference.
[00:01:53] A know-it-all simply believes they know everything.
[00:01:56] A do-it-all actually attempts to act on everything they know.
[00:02:00] You know, the kind of mother that reads her kid a dozen books a day, builds her career,
[00:02:05] grows her own organic food, never needs a break and has children who are beaming with
[00:02:10] constant smiles.
[00:02:13] It didn't take too long until I realized that as a do-it-all, I was trying to be everything
[00:02:18] and do everything for my children, and this came at a cost.
[00:02:22] The cost, I was taking away important opportunities for my children to grow and develop.
[00:02:27] I was trying to be the perfect mother to the detriment of my children.
[00:02:32] My brain and life looked like an overflowing suitcase, the kind of suitcase you have
[00:02:37] to sit on to get zipped up.
[00:02:39] That was me.
[00:02:40] I could barely get it closed and it was certainly over the legal weight limit.
[00:02:44] I found myself carrying that bag full of obligations, duties and expectations around with me everywhere
[00:02:51] I went.
[00:02:53] Parenthood felt heavy.
[00:02:55] Like every other mother, I had the best of intentions.
[00:02:58] When my first child was born, I was wrapping up a doctorate in child development and had
[00:03:03] already spent several years doing child and family therapy.
[00:03:07] As a result, I knew a lot about what children need to grow and develop.
[00:03:11] I had all the research.
[00:03:12] I read all the books.
[00:03:13] I knew all the parenting philosophies.
[00:03:16] I was basically a walking resource library filled with facts, tools and theoretical frameworks.
[00:03:22] But once I got my footing as a mother, I was able to sort out the content of this overflowing
[00:03:27] bag.
[00:03:28] The harsh reality was that I was carrying a whole lot of weight that I needed to hand
[00:03:32] back over to my children.
[00:03:34] That weight was actually essential for them to grow, learn and develop.
[00:03:39] I know sometimes it can be hard to know what to take out and leave behind.
[00:03:43] It can be hard to know what we don't need.
[00:03:45] So I'm going to tell you, disclaimer, I am not a do-it-all anymore.
[00:03:50] But I'm still kind of a know-it-all.
[00:03:52] It's all good news for those of you who are bearing a heavy burden in parenthood.
[00:03:57] Less is more.
[00:03:58] I'm going to tell you exactly what to take out of your suitcase because you'll want
[00:04:02] to leave some extra space in there for the surprises and lessons that your children
[00:04:06] are going to bring you along the way.
[00:04:08] Five exhausting pressures parents can let go of forever.
[00:04:13] Now, take five deep breaths.
[00:04:16] Five sighs of relief because what our children truly need from us will actually make our
[00:04:21] journey later.
[00:04:23] Sign number one.
[00:04:24] Let go of the pressure to buy all the things to keep your kids happy.
[00:04:29] Surely children will light up with fleeting joy when they receive new toys.
[00:04:34] But when we stop using stuff to make our kids happy, we are giving them an opportunity
[00:04:39] to focus on finding joy through the intangible, new adventures and relationships with people
[00:04:44] they love.
[00:04:46] Sign number two.
[00:04:48] Let go of the pressure to constantly entertain your kid.
[00:04:51] You are not an entertainer.
[00:04:53] In fact, when we provide fewer structured activities and sources of entertainment, we
[00:04:58] are gifting our children opportunities to create and innovate their own joy.
[00:05:03] When you step back on your entertaining, your children will step up and learn how to do
[00:05:07] it themselves.
[00:05:08] Let the need practice.
[00:05:10] Sign number three.
[00:05:12] Let go of the pressure to be on every moment you are together with family.
[00:05:17] Last I checked, you were human and as humans we need the space to breathe.
[00:05:23] As parents, we can find small ways to delight in our children every day.
[00:05:27] But we will never delight in them all day.
[00:05:30] Set the bar low and focus on quality time over quantity of time.
[00:05:34] Give yourself permission to engage your mind in things unrelated to your family.
[00:05:39] If you aim to be present and perfect all day, every day then you will fall short.
[00:05:44] Sign number four.
[00:05:46] Let go of the pressure to solve sibling squabbles.
[00:05:50] Don't be a referee.
[00:05:51] Siblings relationships are the practice ground for managing intimacy in later life.
[00:05:56] When it's safe, let's remove ourselves from the equation and give our children a chance
[00:06:01] to have hands-on practice with problem solving and conflict management.
[00:06:05] Giving them that practice is a gift.
[00:06:08] And sign number five.
[00:06:10] Let go of the pressure to hover over your kids.
[00:06:14] It's natural to fear for our children's safety and well-being.
[00:06:18] But when we hover, we send our children the message that they aren't capable.
[00:06:22] When we step back and let them take moderate risks, we show them that we are confident in
[00:06:26] their abilities.
[00:06:28] And that confidence is contagious.
[00:06:30] They will start believing in themselves.
[00:06:32] Once you let go of all the extra baggage, you will see that your children will thrive
[00:06:37] because less is more even when it comes to parenting.
[00:06:45] You just listen to the post-titled.
[00:06:48] Five exhausting pressures parents can let go of forever by Denebe Arahona with Erika
[00:06:54] Lane.co.
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[00:09:08] Thanks to Erika as well for letting us share it from her site.
[00:09:29] A lot of talk here about really embracing the struggle of motherhood, accepting the imperfections
[00:09:34] on our own parts.
[00:09:35] And that's great.
[00:09:36] I think if there is one most frequent theme addressed in the parenting articles we share
[00:09:41] and the commentary I offer, it is that very allowance of oneself to mess up and not to
[00:09:47] do everything right as parents being okay with that.
[00:09:51] But I love one of the things Denise said today to help us understand why that is such
[00:09:55] a helpful approach.
[00:09:57] Of course, it's important for our own sanity as parents.
[00:09:59] We know that.
[00:10:01] But she also said toward the beginning and really several times after that by trying to
[00:10:05] do everything and be everything for her kids, ultimately she was taking opportunities away
[00:10:11] from them to learn and grow.
[00:10:13] And to me that's really important to pay attention to because as a parent experiencing
[00:10:18] such feelings, you are likely driven by the need to do right by your children at all costs.
[00:10:24] But what's hard to think about sometimes is how our actions will impact them not just
[00:10:27] now but also in the future and in between the cracks.
[00:10:32] And one downside of trying to do it all for our kids is taking away from their ability
[00:10:37] to be creative, to be autonomous would have you.
[00:10:41] So think about the subtle effects that your actions may have on your kids today.
[00:10:47] But don't try yourself too crazy.
[00:10:49] It's time to get going for now but I thank you all so much for being here as always.
[00:10:53] Enjoy your Friday everyone.
[00:10:54] Be safe and I hope to see you again over the weekend where your optimal life awaits.