2097: How To Deal With The Fear Of Judgment: The Gifts of Vulnerability by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Personal Growth

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[00:00:57] Hello, everybody and welcome to another episode of Optimal Relationships Daily, our second

[00:01:06] of the day.

[00:01:07] In fact, I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino, and this time I'll be sharing more

[00:01:11] work from Dr. Margaret Rutherford, who's writing I always enjoy, and I personally find

[00:01:16] to be a really great blend of clinical experience and personal experience.

[00:01:21] So let's hear her thoughts on how to deal with the fear of judgment as we optimize your

[00:01:25] life.

[00:01:30] How to Deal with the Fear of Judgment, The Gifts of Vulnerability by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:01:36] of Dr. MargaretRutherford.com

[00:01:39] When I first moved back to Arkansas, there were facts about my life I didn't want others

[00:01:44] to know.

[00:01:45] I'd grown up in a small town in Southern Arkansas where everybody knew everything about

[00:01:49] everybody.

[00:01:50] I wasn't relishing moving from Dallas where there was a certain amount of anonymity to

[00:01:55] the much less populated Fayetteville.

[00:01:58] My own inner voice chided, you'll be judged if people know you've been divorced twice.

[00:02:04] I was scared of revealing my own vulnerability and afraid of judgment.

[00:02:09] So my plan was to keep that information close to the vest.

[00:02:12] I wouldn't lie about it if someone asked, but I also wouldn't freely offer those particular

[00:02:17] details of my background.

[00:02:19] I was coping with my own shame, and I was nervous about not being seen as a successful person,

[00:02:25] and certainly concerned that I wouldn't be regarded as a competent psychologist.

[00:02:29] What does she think she's doing?

[00:02:31] Trying to help others when her own life has been so messy.

[00:02:35] Sometimes life hands you the lesson you need to learn.

[00:02:38] But something happened the first month I moved there that brought the reality of small

[00:02:42] town America laughingly into focus.

[00:02:45] I had the sigh and accept that my vulnerabilities were out there for all to see.

[00:02:50] My husband and I had gone out to celebrate his first big account.

[00:02:54] We were at a local stake place, and I unfortunately began to choke and couldn't breathe.

[00:02:59] A waiter rushed over, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and the threatening piece of stake

[00:03:04] flew out of my mouth and onto the floor.

[00:03:07] Other diners cheered.

[00:03:09] Although immensely grateful to the waiter, I was more than a little embarrassed.

[00:03:13] The next morning I was out walking, and someone who looked somewhat familiar was coming

[00:03:18] up the hill as I traveled down.

[00:03:20] We knew no one when we moved to Fayetteville, but had been casually introduced to a few people

[00:03:25] by our real estate agent.

[00:03:27] I said good morning, and she replied with, hi, how are you?

[00:03:33] I said great thanks.

[00:03:35] And she repeated, no, how are you?

[00:03:39] I then realized what this conversation was actually about.

[00:03:43] The dreaded stake incident.

[00:03:46] I had to chuckle.

[00:03:47] I was definitely back in a small town.

[00:03:50] News was news, and I needed to learn the lesson that I couldn't stay in control of what

[00:03:54] was out there.

[00:03:56] Dealing with the fear of being judged.

[00:03:59] But what if your struggle is mental illness in your family, whether it's your own, your

[00:04:03] partners, or your child's?

[00:04:05] Would if it's depression, problems with alcohol, struggles with panic and worry, restrictive

[00:04:11] eating, or binging and purging.

[00:04:14] You might fear that others will talk and make a judgment.

[00:04:17] Of course it's true that some people are black and white thinkers.

[00:04:21] For them there's good and bad, right and wrong, no gray area.

[00:04:25] You can't do anything about that.

[00:04:27] Yet this black and white verdict can be hurtful and painful to receive, especially when

[00:04:31] you're already dealing with the shame you put on yourself.

[00:04:35] Potential judgment or rejection from others can feel like too much to bear.

[00:04:39] So you hide.

[00:04:41] And yet everyone around you, including people you respect and turn to for help, may also

[00:04:46] be quietly struggling.

[00:04:49] Struggles don't define you any more than competencies do.

[00:04:52] Yet you often don't know the backstories of the people who are in your life on a daily

[00:04:56] basis.

[00:04:58] Maybe your family doctor struggles with insecurity and depression from abuse he experienced

[00:05:02] as a child.

[00:05:04] Perhaps your yoga instructor has fought for control and esteem by eating very little or

[00:05:09] working out too much.

[00:05:11] Your accountant may be overly perfectionistic and constantly worry over my new details even

[00:05:16] when home, or your auto mechanic may have severe dyslexia and bear the emotional scars

[00:05:21] of being bullied when younger.

[00:05:23] None of us are immune.

[00:05:25] All of us are managing some kind of pain, and that pain doesn't define us any more than

[00:05:30] our competencies.

[00:05:32] That very doctor is empathic and diagnosed to your diabetes before it got out of hand.

[00:05:38] That yoga instructor has helped you connect with your body and your breath in a way that's

[00:05:42] been healing.

[00:05:43] Your accountant has saved you so much on taxes you can take a vacation for the first time

[00:05:48] in years.

[00:05:49] In that mechanic he always has a smile for you, an explanation of what went wrong and

[00:05:54] how he can fix it.

[00:05:56] So, how do you confront your fear of judgment?

[00:06:00] You have to believe that one thing you want to hide about yourself doesn't define you.

[00:06:05] You are far more complex than that one issue.

[00:06:09] Fear of rejection has to be overcome because it keeps you from seeking the treatment, help,

[00:06:14] and simple support that's available for you.

[00:06:17] Plus, hiding is lonely.

[00:06:20] Begifs of vulnerability and openness, and taking the risk.

[00:06:24] Since moving here, in beginning to post blogs and podcasts, I've definitely moved in

[00:06:29] the direction of being transparent about my own struggles.

[00:06:33] It's been immensely freeing, and I've discovered something truly important.

[00:06:37] No one I've told that I developed panic disorder when I was in my 20s and still deal with

[00:06:42] anxiety has walked out of my office.

[00:06:45] No one who hears that my senior year of college, I ate around 700 calories a day, barely

[00:06:50] weighed 100 pounds and have had to work on self-esteem, has informed me that I'm obviously

[00:06:55] incompetent.

[00:06:57] No one who's told me that they're trying to cope with the sense of failure around

[00:07:00] a first or second divorce, has ever rejected my help when I tell them I personally understand

[00:07:06] the path they're on.

[00:07:07] In fact, quite the opposite, and the relief of there being nothing to hide is immense.

[00:07:14] So I ask you, can you think of at least one person that you could be absolutely truthful

[00:07:19] with?

[00:07:21] Someone that your intuition or gut tells you would be supportive.

[00:07:24] What do you think would happen if you shared your vulnerability?

[00:07:28] The risk is worth it.

[00:07:29] If people judge, let them judge.

[00:07:32] So be it.

[00:07:34] The freedom you find is worth that risk.

[00:07:41] You just listen to the post titled How to Deal with the Fear of Judgment, the Gifts of

[00:07:46] Vulnerability by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com.

[00:07:52] And I'll be back with my commentary right after this.

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[00:10:22] And thank you so much to Dr. Margaret for this extremely helpful and enlightening article.

[00:10:27] There are a lot of good takeaways in this one, but one thing I really love that she addressed

[00:10:31] was how at a time her own struggles kept her from feeling as though she'd been or as she'd

[00:10:37] be perceived as a worthy psychologist.

[00:10:39] So perhaps you have a similar idea about how you were passed and forms you were present

[00:10:44] or perhaps you're someone who would've had a hard time trusting at therapist who

[00:10:47] has lived that type of life.

[00:10:49] Either way, one thing that is of vital importance to remember is that while everyone's interpretations

[00:10:56] of similar experiences can vary, many times we learn enough from them that we're not

[00:11:02] only better able to help others going through something similar but we're even more motivated

[00:11:07] to do so.

[00:11:09] After enduring a really painful experience, the drive to step in and assist others

[00:11:14] that are going through the same thing, seeing them being put in a position you can truly

[00:11:18] empathize with is likely to be particularly strong.

[00:11:23] It is both natural and powerful to want to help those who choose we've been in.

[00:11:28] It's a really purposeful approach to serving others.

[00:11:31] And that level of passion, it can be hard to replicate without that sense of personal connection.

[00:11:37] Those who care about what they do care because what they do means a lot to them.

[00:11:42] And it needless to say, a lot of meaning is derived from having to pull oneself out

[00:11:47] of the trenches.

[00:11:48] So think about that today everyone.

[00:11:50] That is going to do it for this episode and this weekend of O'Ride though.

[00:11:54] I appreciate you tuning in and I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did.

[00:11:58] Have a great rest of your day and be sure to come back and start a new week with us tomorrow

[00:12:02] where your optimal life awaits.