2099: [Part 2] A Brief History of Romantic Love and Why It Kind of Sucks by Mark Manson on Toxic Relationships & Personal Freedom

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 29.

[00:01:04] A brief history of romantic love, and why it kinda sucks. Part 2.

[00:01:10] By Mark Manson of MarkManson.net

[00:01:13] Hello everybody. Nice to have you here on this fine Tuesday.

[00:01:17] I'm Greg Audino, and this is the show that's all about improving your relationships each day, in about 10 minutes or less.

[00:01:23] And if you haven't listened to yesterday's episode yet, I recommend doing so, because today's episode is actually a continuation of that one.

[00:01:30] It is a longer two-part article that we're covering. I'll be finishing it today. So listen to that part one first.

[00:01:37] But if you're ready, I'll jump into part 2 right now, and continue optimizing your life.

[00:01:42] A brief history of romantic love, and why it kinda sucks. Part 2.

[00:01:51] By Mark Manson of MarkManson.net

[00:01:55] The new economic realities of the 19th century then cross-pollinated with the ideas that emerged from the enlightenment about individual rights and the pursuit of happiness.

[00:02:04] And the result was a full-blown age of romanticism.

[00:02:08] Forget the cattle. It was the 1800s, and people's feelings suddenly mattered.

[00:02:13] The new ideal was not only to marry for love, but that that love was to live on in bliss for all of eternity.

[00:02:20] Thus it wasn't until the relatively recent 150 years ago that the ever-popular happily ever after ideal was born.

[00:02:30] Then the 20th century rolled around. And in between Hitler and a few genocides, Hollywood and ad agencies grabbed hold of the happily ever after fantasy and beat it to death over the next 100 years.

[00:02:43] The point here is that romance and all of the weight we tend to put on it is a modern invention, and primarily promoted and marketed by a bunch of businessmen who realized it will get you to pay for movie tickets and or a new piece of jewelry.

[00:02:59] As Don Draper once said, what you call love was invented by guys like me to sell my lawns.

[00:03:05] Romance is an easy sell. We all enjoy seeing the hero get the girl. We enjoy seeing the happy ending. We enjoy believing in happily ever after. It feels good.

[00:03:16] And so the commercial forces that arose in the 20th century took it and ran with it.

[00:03:21] But romantic love and love in general is far more complicated than we've been led to believe by Hollywood movies or jewelry store ads.

[00:03:29] Nowhere do we hear that love can be unsexy drudgery, where that love can sometimes be unpleasant or even painful, that it could potentially even be something we don't want to feel at times,

[00:03:41] or that love requires self-discipline and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of years, decades, a lifetime.

[00:03:49] These truths are not exciting nor do they sell well.

[00:03:53] The painful truth about love is that the real work of a relationship begins after the curtain closes in the credits role.

[00:04:01] The real work of a relationship is all the boring, dreary, unsexy things that nobody else sees or appreciates.

[00:04:08] Like most things in the media, the portrayal of love and pop culture is limited to the highlight reel.

[00:04:14] All the nuance and complexities of actually living through a relationship is swept away to make room for the exciting headline, the unjust separation, the crazy plot twist, and of course everyone's favorite happy ending.

[00:04:28] Most of us have been so inundated by these messages throughout our entire lives that we have come to mistake the excitement and drama of romance for the whole relationship itself.

[00:04:39] When we're swept up by romance, we can't imagine that anything could possibly go wrong between us and our partner.

[00:04:46] We can't see their faults or failures. All we see is their limitless potential and possibility.

[00:04:52] This is not love. This is a delusion, and like most delusions, things usually don't end well, which brings me to the eighth fact just because you love somebody doesn't mean you should be with them.

[00:05:07] It's possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn't treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn't hold the same respect for us as we do for them,

[00:05:16] or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to pull us underwater until we drown in their loving arms.

[00:05:23] It's possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews,

[00:05:33] or whose life path merely weaves in the opposite direction at an inopportune time.

[00:05:39] It's possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

[00:05:44] This is why, throughout most of human history, marriage was arranged by the parents because they were the ones with some objective perspective on whether their kid was marrying an idiot or not.

[00:05:56] But, in the past few centuries, since young people were able to choose their partners themselves, which is a good thing,

[00:06:02] they instinctively overestimated love's ability to overcome whatever issues or problems were present in their relationships, which is a bad thing.

[00:06:11] This is the definition of a toxic or unhealthy relationship.

[00:06:15] People who don't love each other for the person they are, but rather, love each other in hopes that their feelings for each other will fill some horribly empty hole in their soul.

[00:06:26] 9th Fact. With greater personal freedom comes a greater requirement for personal responsibility and understanding, and it's 100 years later, and we're just now gaining the ability to grapple with the responsibilities love brings with it.

[00:06:41] People in toxic relationships don't love each other, they love the idea of each other.

[00:06:46] They're in love with the fantasy that is constantly playing out in their head, and instead of ditching the fantasy and getting with the person in front of them,

[00:06:54] they spend all of their will and energy interpreting and conforming the person in front of them to fit the fantasy they keep spinning for themselves.

[00:07:02] And why? Because they don't know any better, or they're afraid of the vulnerability required to love someone selflessly and healthily.

[00:07:10] A few centuries ago, people hated romantic love. They were afraid of it, skeptical of its power, and weary of its ability to tilt everyone it touched into making bad choices.

[00:07:22] A couple centuries ago, free from the confines of the farm and mom and dads approving or disapproving hand, people then overestimated love.

[00:07:31] They idealized it and wheeled it to wash away all of their problems and pain forever.

[00:07:36] But people are just now starting to figure out that while love is great, that by itself, love is not enough.

[00:07:45] That love should not be the cause of your relationships, but rather their effect.

[00:07:50] That love should not define our lives, but rather be a byproduct of it.

[00:07:55] That just because someone makes you feel more alive doesn't mean you should necessarily live for them.

[00:08:02] Nobody talks about the fact that greater personal freedom grants greater opportunities to screw things up, and it creates greater opportunities to hurt other people.

[00:08:11] The great liberation of romantic love has brought incredible life experiences into the world.

[00:08:17] But it's also brought the necessity for a realistic, honest approach to relationships that accommodates the painful realities of spending a life together.

[00:08:26] Some people say in this age of ghosting and swipe right that romance is dead.

[00:08:31] Romance is not dead. It's merely being post-poned, relegated to a safe space where both people need to build a certain degree of comfort and trust before they go bleeding heart bonkers for one another.

[00:08:44] And perhaps that's actually a good thing.

[00:08:48] You just listened to part two of the post titled, A Brief History of Romantic Love and Why It Kind of Sucks by Mark Manson of Markmanson.net.

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[00:11:27] And a great finish from Mark. Thank you so much to him for letting us share his work between today and yesterday.

[00:11:34] Mark has an act for helping his readers or listeners in this case think of things a new, you know with perspectives not often held by most of society.

[00:11:43] And to me, this article was littered with that and I really like the note that he ended on suggesting the good that may be coming from what most consider to be the impersonal parts of budding romance.

[00:11:55] To me, that really relates to the way in which freedom and expression are constantly evolving as well.

[00:12:00] In case you've not noticed nearly every facet of life is trending in a direction in which rules and restrictions and their accompanying traditions are being released.

[00:12:10] Freedom of everything and the abolishment of what many identify as structure is happening at breakneck pace it seems.

[00:12:17] And this is certainly present in relationships too.

[00:12:20] The age old philosophical debate is what's better, you know more freedom or more structure.

[00:12:25] Normally the consensus is a bit of both but once rules are broken, they tend to not be reinstated and with that being said, I have doubts about romance backtracking or if it does, it won't be because people have no other option like it was in the past.

[00:12:43] Regardless, I think it's interesting to think about how freedom and again like the breaking down of expectations will affect our relationships.

[00:12:50] And for all of us could provide an opportunity to think about how certain regulations in our own relationships have helped us or hurt us.

[00:12:59] And how we can use that information to better our relationships going forward or how we guide the next generation on how to approach their own relationships.

[00:13:08] So I guess no answers from me just more to think about how about that time to get out of here folks thanks again for listening to both parts of this wonderful post and for listening to all of our episodes of course you guys are what helped the show to keep going and your support is always appreciated.

[00:13:24] Wishing you all a great rest of your day and be sure to come on back tomorrow for another post, that's where your optimal life awaits.