2100: When People Aren’t Who We Need Them To Be by Shelby Forsythia on Unmet Expectations, Grieving Process & Dynamics

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[00:00:52] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2100. When people aren't who we need them

[00:00:57] to be by Shelby for Scythia of Shelby for Scythia.com.

[00:01:03] Hello everybody and welcome welcome to ORD, the podcast on which I Greg Audino narrate

[00:01:09] and offer commentary on different articles written about relationship building. In this

[00:01:13] time the work I'll be sharing comes from Shelby for Scythia who focuses mostly on overcoming

[00:01:18] grief. She'll be talking about a really unique variant of that today. So let's give her

[00:01:23] work our full attention as we optimize your life.

[00:01:31] When people aren't who we need them to be by Shelby for Scythia of Shelby for Scythia.com.

[00:01:38] I heard a story this week about a man who is physically attacked at a weekly poker

[00:01:42] game. As he recounted his story, I noticed that his feelings about the fight were not

[00:01:48] tied to his physical injuries, were the fact that the man who attacked him had some long

[00:01:52] standing anger issues. His feelings were based around the fact that his father, who was

[00:01:57] present at the poker game as he had been for the past eleven years, did not jump into

[00:02:02] defend him. As he got deeper into this story, he noted that his father's pattern of inactivity,

[00:02:09] of not jumping in, was a long standing point of contention. He said that his father,

[00:02:15] a wonderful stand up man otherwise, had a recurring habit of ignoring, overlooking or

[00:02:21] straight up refusing to deal with issues. And this two minutes scrape at a poker game

[00:02:26] was another example of his father's inability to protect and defend him. What happened

[00:02:31] at this poker game was not just an attack. It was the final straw for a son who had been

[00:02:36] let down time and time again when his father failed to show up and take action. It was

[00:02:42] a lifetime of expectations and disappointments physically and painfully played out in real

[00:02:47] time. So what do we do when the people we love disappoint us? What do we do when the

[00:02:53] people in our lives aren't who we expect, want or need them to be? We grieve. Yep,

[00:03:01] we grieve. People are supposed to be a lot of things for us. Parents are supposed to

[00:03:06] be supportive and protective. Friends are supposed to be honest and kind. Co-workers are

[00:03:11] supposed to be respectful and timely. Kids are supposed to be grateful and polite. Partners

[00:03:17] are supposed to be loving and attentive. But what do we do when they're not? When we lose

[00:03:23] our feelings of trust, safety and hope for change, we grieve. We grieve because our expectations,

[00:03:30] however, reasonable informed or natural, are not reality. We grieve because the life

[00:03:36] and relationship we are supposed to have with this person is not playing out like we imagined.

[00:03:42] We grieve because we have to acknowledge that our parents, friends, co-workers,

[00:03:47] kids and partners have disappointed us. Have let us down. Have let us know that they will not be

[00:03:54] changing. You cannot love someone and simultaneously wish they were different. It sucks but it's true.

[00:04:01] So, how do you get to loving them? Warts, faults and all.

[00:04:07] Number one, acknowledge that things will not be the way you expect, want or need them to be.

[00:04:14] This means releasing the idea of a perfect future or a changed person. Your father may not

[00:04:19] jump into protect you. Your friend may lie until you she sick when she wants to stay in for the night.

[00:04:25] Your coworker may keep leaving the communal coffee pot empty. Your child may not believe in God.

[00:04:32] Your partner may be more focused on the TV than you when it's on. I'm guilty of this one.

[00:04:37] You get the idea. Big or small, recent or long standing. You can grieve anything that's not what

[00:04:44] you expected it to be. It doesn't make you needy or selfish to expect things of others.

[00:04:51] It makes you human. Nothing is too petty. So write about it, cry about it,

[00:04:57] pray about it if that's what resonates with you. Just acknowledge in some way that what you expect

[00:05:03] want or need is not what's happening and that it will probably never happen the way you expect

[00:05:09] want or need it to. Number two, take a look at your relationship with this person and ask yourself

[00:05:15] what you can do on your side of the relationship. If they're slow to defend you or stand up for you,

[00:05:23] can you talk to them about your feelings? Can you start spending more time with other people who

[00:05:27] have your back? If they're a chronic complainer, can you use mindfulness or meditation tools

[00:05:33] to distance yourself from their negativity? If they're distracted or distant, can you turn off

[00:05:38] the TV when you want their attention? Can you make a date to talk about important feelings and issues?

[00:05:45] If they're always late, can you tell them meetings are set a half an hour earlier than they

[00:05:49] actually are? Can you send them a warning or do you need to fire them? If they are stubborn about

[00:05:55] politics or religion, can you listen to their perspective? Can you immerse yourself in groups that

[00:06:01] are more aligned with your values? Please note that if there is abuse of any kind in your relationship,

[00:06:06] your first priority is getting yourself and your dependence out of harm's ways quickly as possible.

[00:06:11] And number three, remember that everyone comes with their faults, flaws and shortcomings

[00:06:18] and that you have the power to choose where your relationship goes next. Society feeds us lots of

[00:06:24] pictures of perfect relationships but I can tell you and lots of other people will tell you

[00:06:30] there ain't no such thing. Others let us down just like we let them down and there's nothing

[00:06:36] inherently wrong with any of us. We're all just human, operating the best we know how in this world.

[00:06:43] The best part about acknowledging imperfection and never met hopes, dreams and expectations

[00:06:49] is that we have the power to reconfigure our new hopes, dreams and expectations

[00:06:53] to include this newly acknowledged imperfection. We can choose to end negative relationships,

[00:06:59] take action and stagnate ones or form new relationships that better support our wants and needs.

[00:07:05] But first, we must grieve the ideal parents, friends, co-workers, kids and partners that never were.

[00:07:14] We must release the hopes, dreams and expectations we have of them and see them for what they are.

[00:07:20] Only then can we move forward. First because we are seeing them with all inclusive eyes

[00:07:26] and second because we are seeing ourselves as co-creators of hopes, dreams, expectations in our

[00:07:33] relationships. You just listen to the post titled, When People Aren't Who We Need Them To Be

[00:07:43] by ShelbyForsithia of ShelbyForsithia.com and I'll be back with my commentary right after this.

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[00:10:13] Quince.com slash ORD. Okay and a big thank you to Shelby for this post today.

[00:10:20] However, I do feel compelled to challenge one thought that she offered, which was that you can't

[00:10:25] love someone and simultaneously want them to change. I think what she meant was that maybe it's

[00:10:31] not true love if you are trying to mold someone into something new and won't accept them otherwise.

[00:10:37] But that is definitely different from, say, hoping that a loved one might return to who they

[00:10:42] once were when they had less destructive values or finding a better version of themselves that's

[00:10:48] healthier for them. To use a relatively extreme example, you know a parent can love a child

[00:10:54] who has lived a life of crime. That doesn't mean that they don't want them to change.

[00:10:59] You might say the same about your spouse who has spending habits that worry you.

[00:11:03] So there's a really wide spectrum there. I recommend that you take stock of the ways in which you

[00:11:08] might want others to change and how depending on what those changes you hope to see might be,

[00:11:14] they can definitely be coming from a place of love and concern. Are the changes you'd like them

[00:11:19] to make selfish or selfless? Many of them are likely to be bred from love and concern as I said.

[00:11:26] So don't feel as though just because you want someone to change in one way doesn't mean that you

[00:11:32] don't love them or are incapable of love somehow. Each change you want to see and intention behind

[00:11:39] that change is different. And the same goes for changes others might want to see in you, which

[00:11:44] is really important to remember. But with that we are done for the day friends. I thank you very

[00:11:49] much as always for listening today and doing right by your relationships and doing so. Have a great

[00:11:54] rest of your day and be sure to come back tomorrow for a parenting post where your optimal life awaits.