2101: Secrets of Closer Communication by Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting on Enhancing Parent-Child Bond with Effective Communication

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2101.

[00:01:05] Secrets of Closer Communication by Dr. Laura Markham of AHA Parenting.com

[00:01:11] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD for another Parenting Post with me your host

[00:01:16] and narrator Greg Audino.

[00:01:18] That's right if you are new here we do focus on parenting articles specifically each Thursday

[00:01:22] and Friday.

[00:01:23] So with that let's hear another great one from Dr. Laura Markham as we optimize your life.

[00:01:33] Secrets of Closer Communication by Dr. Laura Markham of AHA Parenting.com

[00:01:40] Quote,

[00:01:41] By far the most important form of attention we can give our loved ones is listening.

[00:01:46] Through listening is love in action.

[00:01:49] That's by M. Scott Peck.

[00:01:51] Did your family have great discussions when you were growing up?

[00:01:55] Were people interested in hearing and learning from each other's opinions?

[00:01:59] What happened when your needs conflicted with those of your parents?

[00:02:03] What happened when your parents disagreed with each other?

[00:02:06] Was there a sense that family members could respectfully disagree?

[00:02:09] Come up with a solution that worked for everyone?

[00:02:11] And at the end of the discussion feel closer to each other?

[00:02:15] Did you tell your parents anything?

[00:02:17] Want your kids to tell you what's going on in their lives when they're 15?

[00:02:21] Start by making these commitments today.

[00:02:24] Number one, commit to dealing with your own issues.

[00:02:28] If you're uncomfortable talking about your son's birthmark or adoption he will be also.

[00:02:34] If you've been struggling with your weight for years and your pre-teen is eating everything

[00:02:38] in sight and showing it your conversations with her are guaranteed to backfire.

[00:02:44] Start by working through your own issues yourself so you'll be more able to help your kids

[00:02:47] with theirs.

[00:02:49] Get professional help if you need to.

[00:02:51] Number two, commit to a no-fault household.

[00:02:55] They're more likely to tell you things if you start from a premise of compassion for

[00:02:59] all of us because we're all human and we all make mistakes.

[00:03:03] Here's a commitment that will change your life.

[00:03:06] Next time you find yourself automatically beginning to blame someone, stop.

[00:03:11] To defense against feeling out of control and against knowing that you had some role,

[00:03:15] however small in creating the situation.

[00:03:19] Accept any responsibility you can.

[00:03:21] It's good practice to overstate your responsibility and then just accept the situation.

[00:03:27] You can come up with better solutions from a state of acceptance than a state of blame.

[00:03:31] Number three, commit to connecting with your kids when you're with them.

[00:03:36] Most parents of teens will tell you they regret not talking more with their kids between

[00:03:40] the ages of 8 and 13.

[00:03:43] They may have moved their kids along from homework to baths or from church to soccer, but always

[00:03:48] assume they'd have the deep discussions when their kids were a little older.

[00:03:52] But most parents are shocked to realize that teens have other priorities and the opportunities

[00:03:57] for family discussion and parental influence dwindle unless you've made deep discussions

[00:04:01] a habit all along.

[00:04:03] How?

[00:04:05] Commit now to focusing on your kids when you're with them and put energy into creating real

[00:04:09] discussions.

[00:04:11] Number four, commit to habits of connection.

[00:04:14] Commit to habits of connection such as not answering the phone when you're talking with

[00:04:18] your kids and using car rides to connect with each other.

[00:04:22] If you absolutely have to take the call, apologize and explain that it's an exception.

[00:04:27] This may seem extreme but you don't take calls when you're in an important meeting.

[00:04:32] Their goal is to give your kids the message that you really value talking with them and if

[00:04:36] you can make yourself turn off the radio when your child gets in the car, you are lots

[00:04:40] more likely to make a connection with him and hear about what happened at band practice.

[00:04:45] Many parents swear by car rides to get their kids to talk with them but it helps if you

[00:04:49] set up the habit early rather than introducing distractions like radio and tapes with your

[00:04:54] preschoolers.

[00:04:56] Number five, commit to talking about anything and everything.

[00:05:01] This may seem obvious but in most families there are some things that are off limits.

[00:05:06] Do you talk about people who have died?

[00:05:08] Your abortion when you were a teenager?

[00:05:11] Are your kids able to tell you when they do something wrong or make a big mistake?

[00:05:15] Can your eight-year-old ask if you ever used narcotics?

[00:05:18] Could your 12-year-old tell you that she's uncomfortable with her budding body?

[00:05:23] Could your 15-year-old count on your support if you thought he might be gay?

[00:05:27] Could your 16-year-old ask you about intimacy?

[00:05:30] Whatever is off limits, your children will sense the taboo and it will limit what they're

[00:05:35] willing to broach with you.

[00:05:37] Number six, commit to not letting little riffs build up.

[00:05:41] If something's wrong between you, find a way to bring it up and work through it positively.

[00:05:47] Choosing to withdraw except temporarily, strategically when your child seems intent on driving you

[00:05:52] away is always a mistake.

[00:05:55] Use the difficulties that come up to bring your family closer.

[00:05:59] Number seven, commit to regulating your own emotions.

[00:06:04] The biggest hurdle to communication in most families is that when the topic is tense,

[00:06:09] we overreact.

[00:06:10] If you can regulate your own emotions, you'll find that your child is more willing

[00:06:14] to open up with you.

[00:06:16] Even with a subject that raises everyone's anxiety level, when we stay calm, our child

[00:06:21] is more likely to stay calm.

[00:06:23] Not only can we work together to come up with a solution that works for everyone, but

[00:06:27] our child is more likely to come to us next time there's a crisis.

[00:06:32] Number eight, commit to spending time together.

[00:06:36] Regular family dinners, family game nights, picnics under the stars.

[00:06:41] Find times when you can turn off all technology and just be together.

[00:06:46] Enjoy each other.

[00:06:47] Wonder about each other's lives, interests, opinions.

[00:06:51] Great conversations have a way of happening once we focus on each other instead of screens.

[00:07:00] You just listen to the post titled Secrets of Closer Communication by Dr. Laura Markham

[00:07:06] of AHA parenting.com and be sure to stick around for my commentary in just a sec.

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[00:09:38] And a big thank you to Dr. Laura for this post today.

[00:09:41] I think one theme that maintained its presence throughout pretty much the whole read was

[00:09:46] normality, right?

[00:09:49] Simply put, the more normal it is to express yourself, the more normal it is to talk about

[00:09:54] certain topics, to make time to connect, the better.

[00:09:58] If we introduce these relationship dynamics in such a way that they all seem very normal,

[00:10:03] our kids will follow suit.

[00:10:05] Obviously talking about something that's very painful can be expressed as such.

[00:10:10] You know, I don't say this to give you the idea that you have to downplay challenging

[00:10:13] subjects or challenging emotions that come with them.

[00:10:16] What's more important is exhibiting the normality of bringing these things to the forefront,

[00:10:21] rather than suppressing them.

[00:10:24] And should you have trouble doing that with any given topic?

[00:10:26] Well, that's where the work begins for you as Dr. Laura addressed in her first point.

[00:10:31] What does your own history tell you about this subject?

[00:10:34] How is it interfering with your child's ability to establish a healthier relationship

[00:10:38] with it?

[00:10:40] If you can ask these questions of yourself and put in that work, rest assured it'll

[00:10:44] go a really long way in helping your children to become more balanced adults.

[00:10:48] But that brings us to the end for today everyone.

[00:10:50] Thank you so much for being here, parents, and making another episode possible.

[00:10:55] And of course we have another parenting post coming up tomorrow.

[00:10:57] So if you like this one, then be sure to come back and listen again in the Friday show.

[00:11:02] That's where your optimal life awaits.