2107: Building Walls by Keith Wilson on Impact of Boundaries vs. Barriers in Relationships

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your Podcast app. Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2107, Building Walls by Keith Wilson of KeithwilsonCounselling.com Hello everybody and welcome welcome to ORD

[00:00:30] The show that's all about relationships and how to improve upon your own. I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino. And today I'll be reading to you from a great article of Keithwilsons. Don't flinch now there is a touch of politics in this article, but it's ultimately a really informative piece about what politics or strong belief systems of any kind can teach us about the relationships we have with our own loved ones and how they can become more rewarding as a result. So sit back and enjoy this one. I'm going to start the narration now

[00:01:00] and optimize your life. Building Walls by Keith Wilson of KeithwilsonCounselling.com When people change from being non-engaged politically to becoming activists, the first thing they do hinders everything they try to accomplish afterwards. They rally like-minded people to their cause and build a wall. This renders their activism less effective and obstructs the exercise of state

[00:01:30] craft. Donald Trump is fond of saying if you don't have a border, you don't have a country. Marriage counselors have been saying something like that for years. If you don't maintain boundaries, then you don't have a family, a marriage, or even a healthy sense of self. Boundaries define who is a member of a group and who is an outsider. Boundaries contain, they direct the members within towards each other to care for and contain with them before others. Boundaries notify the

[00:02:00] members of society and the members that are behind you when there are incursions from those outside. Boundaries are one thing, walls are another, walls are barriers. They prevent fresh ideas from coming inside and imprison the participants in an echo chamber of stale solutions and ever more isolated notions. When I work with clients, I'm always mindful of boundaries. I have a private place to talk. I assure them of confidentiality. I also try to conduct myself an appropriate conversation. I tend not to make any mistakes and I'll try to keep my words from what I can't do on a daily basis. I don't give a damn for a day. I don't give a damn about a day. I'm trying to think about when I'm facing down

[00:02:30] way that respects their personal boundaries and makes it safe for them to be with me.

[00:02:34] When they know that I will respect their boundaries, the walls come down, and they tell me things

[00:02:39] that they tell no one else.

[00:02:42] Boundaries are my business.

[00:02:43] They are the tools of my trade.

[00:02:46] Walls are a different matter.

[00:02:47] I use boundaries.

[00:02:49] Walls I tear down.

[00:02:51] I'm always getting people in my office, individually talking to me about things that they

[00:02:55] shouldn't be talking about with their spouse.

[00:02:58] They would bring it up, but they're too ashamed.

[00:03:01] Or they don't want to make her mad.

[00:03:02] Or it's not safe.

[00:03:04] Or they don't want to see him worry.

[00:03:06] Or they just have to work out what they're going to say before they have that conversation.

[00:03:10] They have a good reason to talk with me first.

[00:03:13] But whatever the reason, a wall has been built between the partners.

[00:03:18] If they're going to stay together, it's got to come down.

[00:03:21] In the civic arena, boundaries are formed all over.

[00:03:25] Churches, schools, workplaces and communities adopt implicit codes of conduct and common

[00:03:30] beliefs and goals that define membership.

[00:03:33] They value the people within the border more than the people outside.

[00:03:38] When people run a foul of these social norms, the walls come up.

[00:03:42] If they're not formally excommunicated or cast out, they feel like a freak, a misfit,

[00:03:47] a square peg in a round hole.

[00:03:50] A gay man, raised by a conservative family in an evangelical church in a small town in

[00:03:55] Oklahoma, might feel this way.

[00:03:57] If he's not bullied, humiliated or rejected, he's likely to feel mighty uncomfortable.

[00:04:03] If he's able to, he'll leave the family, abandon the church and move to some place

[00:04:07] like Greenwich Village.

[00:04:09] There he can walk down the street holding hands with his boyfriend and become a gay

[00:04:13] rights activist.

[00:04:14] Here's the problem though.

[00:04:16] At the very moment when he is marching, bear chested in a gay pride parade on Broadway

[00:04:22] to his hometown in Oklahoma, he is politically non-engaged.

[00:04:26] He's given up on Oklahoma and abandoned the gay people who stayed there.

[00:04:31] His family can think he's gone off the deep end.

[00:04:34] The people in his church can go on saying gay people are not like us.

[00:04:38] His former high school classmates are free to call him discriminatory names without ever

[00:04:42] getting challenged.

[00:04:44] He's easy to dismiss because he'll never come into their store and buy a new set of

[00:04:48] tires.

[00:04:49] They don't have to know that he is as normal as them.

[00:04:53] Meanwhile, the longer he spends in Greenwich Village, the more out of touch with Oklahoma

[00:04:58] he becomes.

[00:05:00] In his mind, the okis are still stuck in the past where he left them.

[00:05:04] They become stereotypical rustics instead of the multi-dimensional people he grew up with.

[00:05:09] To him and his friends, gay rights are the most important things on the political agenda.

[00:05:15] To the folks in Oklahoma, it's way down the list below farm policy.

[00:05:19] He can't understand why they would vote to deprive him of his rights and they can't

[00:05:24] understand how he could forget where he came from and vote against the things that are

[00:05:28] important to them.

[00:05:30] They will never understand each other because hunkered down behind their walls, they never

[00:05:34] have to.

[00:05:35] There's always going to be boundaries.

[00:05:38] Oklahoma is going to be very different from Greenwich Village.

[00:05:41] No one wants them to be the same, but there doesn't have to be walls.

[00:05:47] Boundaries make things distinctive.

[00:05:49] Walls prevent visiting.

[00:05:51] If there were a million boundaries criss-crossing our country, dividing gay from straight, gun

[00:05:56] activists from gun reformers, right to life from reproductive choice and many others, in

[00:06:02] such a way that you might belong to one group on one issue and a different group on another,

[00:06:07] that would be one thing.

[00:06:08] But there seemed to be just one big wall and darn few gay Republicans.

[00:06:14] When there are those who cross over, they tend to regard one issue more seriously than

[00:06:18] another, which I guess permits them entry into this enemy camp.

[00:06:23] They keep a low profile when it comes to the issue on which they disagree.

[00:06:27] No one wants to be called a rhino or a blue dog Democrat and no one completely trust

[00:06:31] them.

[00:06:32] There was more crossover, which is possible with a boundary but not with a wall.

[00:06:38] Then those who straddled the two could be very persuasive.

[00:06:42] A gay man who stays in his church for example and talks gay rights in churchy language is

[00:06:47] going to be a much more effective activist than one who goes off to Greenwich Village and

[00:06:53] talks only to those who think like him.

[00:06:55] Similarly, if the church could see its way into being more inclusive, it could carry

[00:07:01] its message into Greenwich Village in such a way that people could hear it.

[00:07:05] But that seldom happens.

[00:07:07] People don't feel safe being in a minority.

[00:07:10] They would rather hide behind walls.

[00:07:12] Respect the boundaries, but tear down this wall.

[00:07:19] You just listen to the post titled, Building Walls by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounselling.com

[00:07:26] and I'll be back with my commentary right after this.

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[00:09:56] All right, and thank you to Keith.

[00:09:58] I always love Keith's work thanks to him for another daring and insightful piece.

[00:10:03] Now some people may have listened and could still have a hard time understanding the difference

[00:10:08] between walls and boundaries.

[00:10:10] And there definitely is a lot of nuance there.

[00:10:13] But a good way to start identifying the difference is to think about what is off limits for you,

[00:10:19] or where you'll accept no dialogue, or if you do accept dialogue, you never actually contemplate

[00:10:25] the other side's words and instead try to correct them rather than being willing to change

[00:10:29] yourself.

[00:10:31] You won't always come down from your opinions, of course.

[00:10:34] But the willingness to learn must be there.

[00:10:37] And it often isn't, even if we consider ourselves to be open-minded people, which most of us

[00:10:41] would like to, just like we're all good drivers.

[00:10:45] So if you do have walls you put up, conversations that are off limits, people who are off limits

[00:10:51] or both at the same time, be mindful of how you are preventing progress and preventing

[00:10:56] connection by not budging on these.

[00:11:00] You can always get into these conversations but set some rules within them.

[00:11:04] Those that may over time be flexed on as trust is built.

[00:11:09] Definitely a great thing to talk through with a therapist or a couple's therapists as

[00:11:12] well.

[00:11:13] But that will do it for now everybody.

[00:11:15] Thank you so much for being here.

[00:11:16] I'm wishing you all the best to the rest of today and looking forward to being back here

[00:11:20] with you again tomorrow from more content.

[00:11:23] That's where your optimal life awaits.