2108: How to Get Over a Breakup by Sarah Von Bargen of Yes and Yes on Rediscovering Life after A Relationship Split

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2108.

[00:01:04] How to Get Over a Breakup by Sarah von Bargen of yes and yes.org.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody, and thank you so much for tuning into another episode of ORD, brought to

[00:01:15] you by me, Greg Audino.

[00:01:17] Today I'll be narrating from a blog we don't hear much from, it's called yes and yes.org.

[00:01:22] Sarah writes mostly about finances, but she also has some articles on personal development

[00:01:27] and family life too.

[00:01:29] And in this post she'll actually be answering a question sent in by one of her readers about

[00:01:32] break up recovery.

[00:01:34] So what I'll do is start by reading the question, and then of course jump right into her answer.

[00:01:39] Let's get to it as we optimize your life.

[00:01:45] How to Get Over a Breakup by Sarah von Bargen of yes and yes.org

[00:01:51] Dear Sarah, from reading your blog I know that you recently went through a bad breakup,

[00:01:57] but I'm currently in that situation.

[00:01:59] While it's not bad in the sense that we're not talking and hate each other, it is bad

[00:02:04] in the sense that it hurts every second of every day, and as much as I would rather

[00:02:08] be with him, he decided that we would be better off apart.

[00:02:12] How do you get over a breakup?

[00:02:14] How have you been doing it and what has helped you?

[00:02:17] Oh friend, I am flattered that you think I could write a how-to post on this, but I think

[00:02:23] this piece should be more accurately titled How to Turn the Corner after a breakup, stop

[00:02:29] crying in the bathroom at work and begin to enjoy your life again, but still sometimes

[00:02:33] cry when you hear that one song.

[00:02:36] But that's a really long title for a blog post.

[00:02:40] With that said, here is how to get over a breakup.

[00:02:44] Number 1.

[00:02:45] Remove the X from your life, at least for a while.

[00:02:48] The truly mutual, friendly breakup is a rare bird.

[00:02:53] Usually someone's feelings are bound to be hurt.

[00:02:55] If you were the injured party, I think it's particularly important to distance yourself

[00:02:59] for a bit.

[00:03:00] If you hang out with the X all the time, you may find yourself trying to be your best,

[00:03:05] most charming self.

[00:03:07] Of course you want them to see the error of their ways and run back to you.

[00:03:11] And if you genuinely enjoy each other's company and really like hanging out with each

[00:03:14] other, well, that's not going to help anybody get over anybody.

[00:03:19] It's really, really hard to take this step and you might even worry that you're hurting

[00:03:24] this person.

[00:03:25] Just tell them that you're not trying to be malicious or hurtful and that someday you'd

[00:03:29] like to be friends.

[00:03:31] Regardless, right now you need some distance for your mental health.

[00:03:35] Then de-friend them.

[00:03:37] Number 2.

[00:03:38] Be 100% honest with yourself about any issues that you had with your X or the relationship.

[00:03:44] We all make compromises in relationships and no relationship is perfect.

[00:03:49] Common knowledge, right?

[00:03:51] But sometimes when we're in the thick of things, we downplay how much something means to

[00:03:56] us in an effort to keep the peace.

[00:03:58] There's not really any point in obsessing over his love for bad science fiction, is there?

[00:04:05] But now that you're not together anymore, be honest with yourself about the things that

[00:04:08] didn't work for you in the relationship.

[00:04:11] They might not have been huge issues, but have a good think on them.

[00:04:15] Be thankful that you don't have to deal with them anymore.

[00:04:18] Number 3.

[00:04:19] Put yourself on a dating hiatus.

[00:04:22] If you just got out of a relationship, especially a long-term one, being single feels like

[00:04:28] visiting a foreign country.

[00:04:30] And as tempting as it is to hook up with the first applicant for the position of snuggle

[00:04:33] buddy, it's probably a bad idea.

[00:04:37] You're not ready for it and you might end up hurting a lovely, unsuspecting person who

[00:04:41] just wants to love you.

[00:04:43] If you feel weird about being single, view it as a dating diet.

[00:04:48] None of that high calorie hooking up and number swapping for you.

[00:04:52] Only heaping helpings of girlfriends, fun, and go nowhere flirting.

[00:04:57] I've even allotted a specific end date to my dating diet, September 1st, to make it

[00:05:02] seem more fun.

[00:05:03] As though I will immediately begin making out with a delicious gentleman at the strike

[00:05:07] of midnight on August 31st.

[00:05:10] Number 4.

[00:05:11] Have heaps of fun with your friends.

[00:05:13] Now that you're single, you probably have heaps more time to spend with all the amazing

[00:05:17] people in your life.

[00:05:19] Also, view this time as an opportunity for your friends to go to bat for you.

[00:05:23] Don't be afraid to ball your little eyes out over beer and cheese and bacon cupcakes.

[00:05:28] Or around the bonfire.

[00:05:30] Or at the coffee shop.

[00:05:32] Or all of the above.

[00:05:33] You've helped them through their dreams.

[00:05:35] They will help you get through this.

[00:05:37] But it doesn't have to be all weeping and yelling about how you were too good for him

[00:05:41] anyway.

[00:05:43] Go to the drive-in, or the zoo, or the tarot card reader.

[00:05:47] Road trip and skinny dip and make popsicles.

[00:05:50] Do so many fun things that you're too busy to think about what's their name.

[00:05:55] Number 5.

[00:05:56] Make a new plan.

[00:05:58] If you were in a long-term relationship, there's a good chance that this person played into

[00:06:02] your plans for the future.

[00:06:04] Maybe you were going to go to your second-choice school to be closer to them, or live in the

[00:06:08] city instead of the mountains.

[00:06:10] Maybe you were going to work part-time because they could support you.

[00:06:14] But things are different now.

[00:06:15] And doesn't everything feel better if you have a plan?

[00:06:18] Sit down with a cup of tea and a journal and think about what you really want to do.

[00:06:23] Now that you don't have anyone else to consider.

[00:06:25] The sky's the limit.

[00:06:27] Number 6.

[00:06:28] Make some changes.

[00:06:30] A new apartment.

[00:06:31] A new haircut.

[00:06:32] A new wardrobe.

[00:06:34] The change in your relationship status might not feel so completely overwhelming when it's

[00:06:38] part of a hurricane of changes in your life.

[00:06:41] I think it also really helps to mix things up a bit so you're not constantly surrounded

[00:06:45] with the sweater you wore on your first date.

[00:06:47] The book he gave you for your birthday and the couch where you first made out.

[00:06:51] Besides, this is a totally sanctioned excuse for shopping.

[00:06:55] Number 7.

[00:06:56] Take care of yourself.

[00:06:58] It is incredibly, incredibly tempting to devolve into a sweatswearing, ice cream, snarthing,

[00:07:06] SATC viewing mess.

[00:07:09] But you'll feel heaps better if you look after yourself.

[00:07:12] If you're going to fanny around the house all day, at least do it in a kimono.

[00:07:16] If you're going to pick out, do it with goat cheese and baguettes.

[00:07:21] If you want to watch bad TV, do it with your friends.

[00:07:24] Don't forget to get some sunshine and get a little bit of exercise though.

[00:07:28] You might be hard to get going, but you'll be so glad you did that instead of sitting

[00:07:32] inside listening to Jeff Buckley and eating a whole frozen pizza.

[00:07:37] And number 8.

[00:07:38] Practice the art of letting go.

[00:07:41] You can't control your ex's decisions.

[00:07:43] You can only control your responses to them.

[00:07:46] Maybe they chose to end your relationship.

[00:07:48] That doesn't mean you're not amazing and gorgeous and totally, totally lovable.

[00:07:53] It just means that they weren't the right person for you right now.

[00:08:00] You just listened to the post titled, How To Get Over A Breakup by Sarah von Bargen of

[00:08:06] YesAndYes.org and I'll be back right after this with my commentary.

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[00:10:38] And thank you so much to Sarah for taking a swing at this one.

[00:10:41] A lot of good ideas here today, some of which might be easier or more effective for you

[00:10:45] than others.

[00:10:46] And that's okay.

[00:10:48] When we read these lists about how to overcome something huge in your life or make some big

[00:10:53] change happen, we're often so seduced by the allure of overcoming our obstacle all at once

[00:10:59] that we feel we need to put all these strategies into play immediately.

[00:11:03] But we don't have to.

[00:11:05] Start simple.

[00:11:06] Start slow.

[00:11:07] And what works for you and take your recovery one step at a time.

[00:11:11] Honestly, one of my favorite parts of this article and what I think supports this idea

[00:11:15] best is one of the first things that Sarah mentioned that this piece should be more

[00:11:20] accurately titled How to Turn the Corner After a Breakup, Stop Crying in the Bathroom

[00:11:24] at Work and Begin to Enjoy Your Life Again but Still Sometimes Cry when you hear that

[00:11:28] one song.

[00:11:29] And why?

[00:11:31] Because you more than likely won't climb this whole mountain at once.

[00:11:34] And if you think you have, focus on those small wins and use the momentum garnered from

[00:11:40] them to keep making more steady progress.

[00:11:43] There's no reason to put pressure on yourself to completely heal from a breakup right away,

[00:11:49] even if the relationship was horrendous.

[00:11:51] We all have different subconscious reactions to breakups that put us on different timelines

[00:11:56] for recovery and we need to allow that.

[00:12:00] But we have now reached the end of this post everyone in this episode as well.

[00:12:03] I hope that it's been helpful for those of you who might be recovering from a breakup,

[00:12:07] even if it's not a romantic one.

[00:12:09] Maybe you just ended a relationship with a friend or something like that.

[00:12:13] Thank you so much for tuning in and as always be sure to join us again tomorrow for more

[00:12:16] content where your optimal life awaits.