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Episode 2110:
In this episode, Greg Audino narrates a blog post by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus discussing the importance of parents assessing their own actions and decisions when dealing with young adult children. Dr. Stoltzfus emphasizes the need for parents to focus on what they can control, acknowledge their responsibility, and avoid becoming overly invested in their child's success and happiness. The post suggests creating a parental report card with criteria such as avoiding control, acting in love, aligning decisions with principles, fostering independence, demonstrating unconditional love, and practicing self-care.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://parentslettinggo.com/why-parents-of-young-adults-should-do-their-own-report-card/
Quotes to ponder:
"We can’t control them or be responsible for them, but we are in control and responsible for our actions."
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[00:00:53] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2110.
[00:01:04] Why parents of young adults should do their own report card?
[00:01:08] By Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com
[00:01:12] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD.
[00:01:15] I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino and I'm here with you every single day to narrate
[00:01:19] and offer commentary on different blog posts that center on relationship building.
[00:01:24] On Thursdays and Fridays the content focuses on parenting so that's what we will be doing
[00:01:28] again today.
[00:01:29] Let's jump into this post from Parenting Expert, Therapist and Coach Dr. Jack Stoltzfus
[00:01:34] as we optimize your life.
[00:01:40] Why parents of young adults should do their own report card?
[00:01:44] By Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com
[00:01:48] How do we know if we're making the right decision or taking the right action regarding our
[00:01:53] adult children?
[00:01:55] Should the criteria be if our kids are happy with the decision or like us?
[00:01:59] Would they are unhappy with the decision or are angry and reject us?
[00:02:04] In this latter case did we make the wrong decision?
[00:02:07] We had no problem living with their unhappiness or rejection when they were young and told
[00:02:11] they couldn't play in the street.
[00:02:13] Why is it hard to say no as they become adolescents and young adults?
[00:02:18] Our explanation is that we have become overly invested in their success and happiness.
[00:02:23] And to the point if they are not succeeding and happy, we feel like failures.
[00:02:28] Focus on what you can control.
[00:02:30] In our over investment in their success and happiness, we ignore several facts.
[00:02:35] First, we can't control another adult, including our child.
[00:02:39] They are adults and are responsible for their decisions and actions.
[00:02:43] In second, we are not responsible for their actions or for that matter their happiness.
[00:02:49] This is part of the necessary letting go process.
[00:02:52] If we expect that we can control or get them to do what we want, we are setting ourselves
[00:02:56] up for disappointment.
[00:02:58] We can't control them or be responsible for them.
[00:03:01] But we are in control and responsible for our actions.
[00:03:06] As such, our criteria for whether we are doing well as parents must be the decisions and
[00:03:11] actions under our control.
[00:03:13] If we give our kids our report cards and ask them to grade us, we give up our power and
[00:03:18] responsibility and become susceptible to manipulation and intimidation.
[00:03:23] We need to do our report card.
[00:03:26] Parental report card Recently in working with a parent, I was asked what
[00:03:31] should be on the report card or if I have any examples.
[00:03:35] My thoughts about what could be on the report card are as follows.
[00:03:39] Am I trying to control my young adult and believe I am responsible for their actions?
[00:03:45] Do I believe I am responsible for their success and happiness?
[00:03:49] Am I acting in love and not driven by fear of rejection, guilt, threats, resentment, hurt,
[00:03:57] etc.?
[00:03:58] Am I deciding or taking an action that is consistent with my principles such as responsibility,
[00:04:04] keeping promises, telling the truth, etc.?
[00:04:08] Am I deciding or taking action to increase my adult child's independence or dependence
[00:04:13] on me?
[00:04:15] Do I demonstrate unconditional love for who they are as my son or daughter?
[00:04:20] Am I demonstrating a desire to have a better relationship with them by listening, seeking
[00:04:25] understanding and asking for suggestions on how to be a better parent?
[00:04:30] Have I let go of guilt by apologizing for my shortcomings and mistakes as a parent?
[00:04:35] Have I forgiven myself for the past?
[00:04:38] Have I forgiven my son or daughter for actions that have been hurtful or offensive?
[00:04:43] Have I demonstrated backbone and stood behind my principles and values even if it means
[00:04:48] my adult child is unhappy with me?
[00:04:51] Have I acknowledged that I have to let go and have fully supported my kids' separate
[00:04:55] identity and autonomy?
[00:04:58] And am I practicing good self-care, exercise, diet, sleep, and close friends for support
[00:05:05] so I have the stamina to be a strong and emotionally available parent?
[00:05:09] My guess is that you may be overwhelmed hearing this list and think you will never get a
[00:05:14] good enough report card to be a successful parent.
[00:05:17] I understand that the list is daunting.
[00:05:20] Don't try to over-achieve.
[00:05:22] Perfect is the enemy of good.
[00:05:24] Go through the list and come up with the initial three or four areas where you know you need
[00:05:29] to improve, and if you have a couple that you are currently asing, put those in so you
[00:05:34] can sustain your efforts in these areas and be sure to get some good grades.
[00:05:38] Remember, this is your report card so you are grading your efforts and be kind to yourself.
[00:05:46] Parents are the guiltiest segment of our society.
[00:05:49] At the end of the day or week, look in the mirror, review your actions, and grade yourself
[00:05:54] from A to F.
[00:05:56] If you have some low grades, identify an action or two that you can take the next week
[00:06:00] to bump up your grade.
[00:06:02] If you have a spouse or a close parent friend, ask them to be your accountability partner.
[00:06:07] Check in with them to describe how you are doing and request feedback and suggestions.
[00:06:16] You just listened to the post titled, Why Parents of Young Adults Should Do Their Own Report
[00:06:21] Card by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of ParentsLettingGo.com
[00:06:25] And I'll be back with my commentary right after this.
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[00:08:41] And thank you to Dr. Jack for this post, one that can definitely help parents to think
[00:09:00] more critically about the many facets of parenting.
[00:09:03] Oftentimes when it comes to parenting or any other difficult venture, we have this habit
[00:09:08] of gaging our performances based on one or two single attributes.
[00:09:13] Maybe they're the ones that seem the most popular, or they're the ones that mean the most
[00:09:18] to us for some reason.
[00:09:20] For example, we might consider ourselves to be great parents if we help our kids with homework
[00:09:25] and do a lot to help them excel in school.
[00:09:28] This would probably be the action of a parent who feels that education is the most important
[00:09:32] thing for their children hands down.
[00:09:34] And that's fine.
[00:09:36] But if such a parent is only focused on education, they might be lacking or at least less open
[00:09:42] to the value of other parents and components.
[00:09:45] Maybe communication with their kids, helping to facilitate good friendships or chores around
[00:09:50] the house, just to name a few.
[00:09:53] So use a post like this to remain cognizant of the many ways our kids need us to be there
[00:09:58] for them, therefore ourselves, and how those ways can vary as they age from children
[00:10:04] into adults.
[00:10:05] But with that, we have reached the end for today.
[00:10:08] Thank you as always for coming out and making another episode possible everyone.
[00:10:11] Enjoy your Friday if you are listening in real time, and I do hope you'll join us again
[00:10:15] over the weekend where your optimal life awaits.