2111: Are You in an Unhealthy Relationship? by The PsychAlive Team on Genuine Emotional Connection

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2111.

[00:01:04] Are you an unhealthy relationship by the PsychoLive team of PsychoLive.org?

[00:01:10] Hello everybody and thank you so much for joining another weekend edition of Optimal Relationships

[00:01:15] Daily.

[00:01:16] I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino.

[00:01:19] Happy to be here with you once again and ready to share an article that can be very grounding

[00:01:22] for you.

[00:01:23] Should you be concerned about the health of your relationship?

[00:01:26] And that's a feeling we've all had at different times I'm sure.

[00:01:29] So without further ado let's hear about how we can better assess the quality of our relationships

[00:01:34] as we optimize your life.

[00:01:40] Are you an unhealthy relationship by the PsychoLive team of PsychoLive.org?

[00:01:47] Every couple goes through rough patches.

[00:01:49] Yet, when these patches stretch out into long term struggles, how can we tell if the relationship

[00:01:55] is worth salvaging?

[00:01:57] Is it our own shortcomings and defenses that have caused us to fall out of love or are

[00:02:02] we actually in an unhealthy relationship?

[00:02:05] Here are some signs to look for that may indicate that you're in an unhealthy relationship

[00:02:09] and some tips on what to do about it.

[00:02:12] Warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

[00:02:16] Have you noticed that you and your partner make less personal contact?

[00:02:19] Is there less physical affection exchanged between the two of you?

[00:02:23] Have you stopped being intimate as often or at all?

[00:02:27] Has the communication broken down between you?

[00:02:30] These changes could be an indication that you and your partner are in what psychologists

[00:02:34] and author Robert Firestone calls a fantasy bond.

[00:02:38] The fantasy bond replaces real acts of love and affection toward your partner with an

[00:02:42] illusion of connection.

[00:02:44] In a fantasy bond, a couple may operate as a unit, seeing themselves as safely joined,

[00:02:50] yet their relating becomes a matter of form and routine.

[00:02:53] No longer do they show much passion, love or respect for each other.

[00:02:58] Instead they relate over practical matters and tend to fall into negative patterns of

[00:03:02] interacting.

[00:03:04] When you enter into a fantasy bond, you are entering into an unhealthy relationship, a

[00:03:09] way of connecting to your partner that actually hurts and diminishes your feelings for each

[00:03:12] other.

[00:03:14] Signs that you're in a fantasy bond include, less eye contact between you and your partner,

[00:03:19] breakdowns and communication, loss of intimacy and affection, loss of independence, and the

[00:03:26] tendency to speak as a unit, as if the two of you are one person.

[00:03:31] Couples who are in a fantasy bond tend to perform the roles of being together, going through

[00:03:36] the motions without necessarily feeling close to each other.

[00:03:40] They may start to use their daily routines to symbolize closeness rather than engaging

[00:03:44] in spontaneous acts of warmth and attraction.

[00:03:48] These couples tend to fool themselves that they are in a healthy relationship because

[00:03:51] they engage in the form of sharing life.

[00:03:54] For example, a friend of mine once asked her father if he was in love with her mother,

[00:03:59] who he'd been married to for more than 40 years.

[00:04:02] His reply was, we may not love each other, but we are loyal.

[00:04:07] Why do we enter into unhealthy relationships?

[00:04:11] Too often we allow a fantasy mode of relating to replace our real feelings of love.

[00:04:17] Why do we do this?

[00:04:19] For one thing, many of us have deep-seated fears of true intimacy.

[00:04:23] Being vulnerable to someone leaves us feeling vulnerable to the world.

[00:04:27] We may become more aware of the fragility of life, the pain of loss and death.

[00:04:33] Falling in love as an adult symbolizes cutting ties with our past, giving up connections

[00:04:37] to our childhood or to our parents.

[00:04:41] These connections may not be healthy, but they allowed us to feel protected from the reality

[00:04:45] of time passing and facing certain painful aspects of life.

[00:04:49] When fears arise in our relationships, without realizing it, we often give up our feelings

[00:04:55] of love in favor of a fantasy or connection to our partner.

[00:04:59] In order to stay connected to our past, we may choose partners who fit in with our defenses

[00:05:05] who replicate destructive patterns from our childhood.

[00:05:08] For example, if we had a passive parent who frequently ignored us, we may choose a partner

[00:05:13] who is dismissive or self-centered.

[00:05:16] We may form a dysfunctional relationship in which we feel similar ways we did as a child,

[00:05:21] hungry for attention, deprived or rejected.

[00:05:25] By getting to know ourselves, our past and our patterns, we can come to understand why

[00:05:30] and how we wind up in unhealthy relationships.

[00:05:33] We can learn to have compassion for ourselves, as we understand our choices, and consciously

[00:05:38] decide how to break from destructive relationship patterns.

[00:05:42] How to get out of an unhealthy relationship.

[00:05:46] Getting into an unhealthy relationship isn't necessarily a sign that you're with the

[00:05:50] wrong partner, or that you should move on.

[00:05:53] Perhaps you've chosen someone who fits perfectly with your defenses, who supports an old,

[00:05:57] destructive, yet familiar image you have toward yourself.

[00:06:01] In that case, maybe it is best to part ways.

[00:06:04] However, maybe you've chosen someone who you truly love and admire.

[00:06:09] Maybe he where she challenges you for all the right reasons.

[00:06:12] For example, your partner's feelings for you may be hard for you to take.

[00:06:17] If you grew up with an intrusive or overbearing parent, you might mistake your partner's

[00:06:22] affections for neediness.

[00:06:24] You might have the urge to pull away or to be critical of your partner for getting too

[00:06:28] close.

[00:06:29] It's important to distinguish if the reasons you feel like letting someone go are the

[00:06:33] right reasons or the wrong reasons.

[00:06:35] If they made you very happy when you met them, but cause you anxiety as you get close,

[00:06:40] and they start to challenge your fears of intimacy, then the relationship is probably

[00:06:45] worth sticking out.

[00:06:46] Similarly, if you were once head over heels for your partner, but now almost inexplicably

[00:06:52] can't stand them, it's valuable to ask have I entered into a fantasy bond?

[00:06:58] Could I get back to where I started by giving up some of the critical thoughts, critical

[00:07:02] inner voices I've built up against my partner?

[00:07:06] Could I start relating more personally and recover my feelings of affection?

[00:07:10] If at the end of the day you decide you have grown distant from your partner for good reason,

[00:07:15] you may choose to give up their relationship.

[00:07:18] If you feel you were drawn to your partner for reasons that fit in with your past but hurt

[00:07:22] you in the present, you're probably in an unhealthy relationship.

[00:07:26] However, if feelings of love still exist between you and your partner, and you see ways

[00:07:31] you could challenge yourself, your defenses or your fantasy bond, then the relationship

[00:07:36] may be worth fighting for.

[00:07:39] You may be surprised to find that it isn't the relationship that's unhealthy but the

[00:07:42] ways you relate that are unhealthy.

[00:07:45] No matter who you wind up with, you are more than likely to find that these patterns within

[00:07:49] you are important to challenge if you ever want to stay in love.

[00:07:57] You just listened to the post titled, Are You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

[00:08:01] By the PsychoLive team of psycholive.org and I'll be back with my commentary in just

[00:08:06] a sec.

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[00:10:35] Thanks so much to the psycho live team for this one.

[00:10:38] What I really enjoyed about this post was how at the beginning, they normalized the fact

[00:10:43] that all couples go through ups and downs.

[00:10:46] This is an important truth to keep in mind because too many times we are quick to hit the

[00:10:51] panic button if things have changed even a little bit in our relationships.

[00:10:57] What's much more important as they said is to not react solely on quick differences

[00:11:02] of feeling or routine, but rather to assess the long term health of our behavior towards

[00:11:08] one another.

[00:11:09] Is there gradually less intimacy?

[00:11:12] Less eye contact?

[00:11:13] Less teamwork?

[00:11:15] Look for these long term trends first as doing so will give you a much more educated idea

[00:11:20] on the true state of your relationship and the last thing you need when assessing where

[00:11:25] to go or what changes to making your relationship is a false impression of where it currently stands.

[00:11:31] So think about the trends of your relationship, ask yourself some questions posed in this

[00:11:35] article and I'll leave you to it now as we wrap up another episode of ORD.

[00:11:40] Thank you so much for tuning in as always, we could not do this without you.

[00:11:43] Enjoy your Saturday and be sure to come back tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.