2113: Holding On and Letting Go by Nikki Cox of No Sidebar on Cherishing Every Moment with Loved Ones

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2113.

[00:01:05] Holding on and letting go by Nikki Cox of nosidebar.com.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody and welcome to another installment of Optimal Relationships Daily hosted and

[00:01:16] narrated by me Greg Audino.

[00:01:18] And today we're going to hear author Nikki Cox recount a recent experience of loss and

[00:01:23] transition in her life.

[00:01:25] Now it's affected her, how she has learned from it and how we might be able to approach

[00:01:29] similar situations in our own lives with the same type of grace.

[00:01:33] So let's get into the post now as we optimize your life.

[00:01:41] Holding on and letting go by Nikki Cox of nosidebar.com.

[00:01:47] Recently I had two big life changes.

[00:01:50] My four year old started a pre-K education program and my 99 year old grandfather passed

[00:01:56] away.

[00:01:57] Both beginnings, both endings, both bitter sweet.

[00:02:01] Both left me with feelings of emptiness and sadness.

[00:02:05] Both left me with feelings of relief and excitement as for what is to come.

[00:02:10] Ever since my grandmother died my grandfather has been ready to go to.

[00:02:14] Every time I visited him, I'd ask how he was and his response would be, I'm still here.

[00:02:20] At 99 he died of old age.

[00:02:23] There was nothing wrong with him.

[00:02:25] No cancer, no heart attack, no stroke.

[00:02:28] His organs just started failing.

[00:02:30] Testing showed there was nothing to be done.

[00:02:33] His body had just reached its time limit.

[00:02:35] I guess that's what we all hope for, right?

[00:02:38] To live out our body's clocks.

[00:02:40] I got to visit him in the hospital at the end while he was still lucid.

[00:02:44] I'm so blessed to have the memory of his face letting up as he watched his great-grandchildren.

[00:02:49] To have witnessed the joy as he high-fived my son repeatedly.

[00:02:53] To have heard him tell me multiple times, I love you, Nikki.

[00:02:57] To hear him say with nothing but happiness and relief, I guess I've hung in there as long

[00:03:01] as I can and I'm all done.

[00:03:04] More importantly, I'm also blessed to have had a lifetime of memories of him before this

[00:03:09] moment.

[00:03:10] Christmas, birthdays, games of pool he taught me to play and made me the pool shark I now

[00:03:16] am, and model trains he let me play with.

[00:03:19] The time I got to spend with him was less frequent since having my children, but still

[00:03:23] existent.

[00:03:25] He passed away after less than a week in the hospital.

[00:03:28] He chose to be cremated.

[00:03:30] My dad sent me a picture of a box that contained his ashes.

[00:03:33] I don't think this was done on purpose, but the box was sitting on the kitchen table in

[00:03:37] his spot.

[00:03:39] At the same spot I saw his physical body sit at all the 35 years of my life.

[00:03:44] It hit me so hard, like someone punched me in the stomach and smack me over the head.

[00:03:50] One day you're here, and the next your box of ashes on the table.

[00:03:55] Life is so long and hard sometimes, but boy when it comes down to it, it's short.

[00:04:01] It's so short.

[00:04:03] About the same time my grandfather was ending his time in this earthly realm, my four-year

[00:04:08] old was beginning a pre-K program.

[00:04:11] My four-year-old baby girl who has been home with me since the day she was born.

[00:04:16] I was blessed to be with her from the beginning, for every milestone moment, the rolling,

[00:04:21] the crawling, the walking, the talking, the little girl who has only been away from me

[00:04:26] for a couple of hours here or there under the watchful eye of her father or a trusted

[00:04:31] grandparent.

[00:04:32] The little girl who had only spent one night away from me.

[00:04:35] The night I had her baby brother.

[00:04:38] My best buddy.

[00:04:39] She was going to be venturing out into the world by herself four days a week for three

[00:04:43] hours a day.

[00:04:45] Much more than I originally intended, but this was the way this particular pre-K program

[00:04:50] worked.

[00:04:51] We liked it so much we decided to try it.

[00:04:54] The day I dropped her off was hard.

[00:04:56] It was the day that I realized being a parent isn't just about holding your child.

[00:05:01] It's also about letting them go.

[00:05:03] I got a taste of it for the first time that day.

[00:05:06] And I know the rest of her life is going to be more and more of this.

[00:05:10] It's going to be a balancing act between keeping her safe and cuddled and letting her

[00:05:14] be free to grow.

[00:05:16] I dropped her off, and I knew this couldn't be about me.

[00:05:19] I needed to let her know that I would miss her but show nothing but excitement for her

[00:05:24] and let her have her day—her moment.

[00:05:27] This was a huge day for her.

[00:05:29] As we drove to school, we discussed how I would drop her off at the school's playground

[00:05:33] with her teacher and new friends.

[00:05:35] I would give her a hug and a kiss and tell her I love her and be back to pick her up in

[00:05:40] a couple of hours.

[00:05:42] She said, can I tell you I love you as much as I want?

[00:05:46] I said yes!

[00:05:48] Can I tell you I love you as much as I want?

[00:05:51] She giggled and said yes!

[00:05:53] She was excited.

[00:05:54] She told me she would miss mommy but she would have fun.

[00:05:58] We got to the playground.

[00:05:59] Anika immediately seemed comfortable in the new environment.

[00:06:03] I told her I loved her.

[00:06:04] She gave me a hug and a kiss, and she told me she loved me a few times.

[00:06:08] She found a small tricycle as I was beginning to get ready to leave.

[00:06:12] She got on and tried to push it out of the dirt onto the paved walkway.

[00:06:16] She couldn't and looked at me with the sweetest look on her face and said, mommy will you

[00:06:20] give me a push?

[00:06:22] How symbolic!

[00:06:24] I looked at my baby and gave her a push.

[00:06:27] I felt like I was pushing her out of the nest but she was ready and it was time.

[00:06:32] I snapped a picture of her riding away on that tricycle as I walked out.

[00:06:37] Both of these events marked the end of something, but also the beginning.

[00:06:41] My grandfather left this world but I do believe he got to move on and join my grandmother.

[00:06:46] My dad who has been helping to care for him for many years will now be able to move closer

[00:06:51] to his grandchildren and watch them grow.

[00:06:54] My daughter will no longer spend every moment at my side.

[00:06:57] I will no longer know what goes on in every part of her day.

[00:07:01] For the first time she has a life outside of me.

[00:07:04] The oneness that once was when she was growing inside of my belly that has slowly slipped

[00:07:09] away as she moved through those early years of development is no more.

[00:07:14] And that's okay.

[00:07:15] In fact, it's great.

[00:07:18] She gets to make new friends and have adventures for three hours a day out of the watchful

[00:07:22] eye of mommy so she can grow.

[00:07:25] It's made me appreciate the time I have with her so much more because in the year she'll

[00:07:29] be gone all day in kindergarten.

[00:07:32] Ugh, I can't handle thinking about that yet.

[00:07:34] One thing at a time.

[00:07:36] What these two events had in common and the underlying personal message and wake-up call

[00:07:41] that I got out of both was to be there for the life, not the funeral.

[00:07:47] As hard as it was to let my grandfather and my daughter go, there was a sense of peace

[00:07:52] that I had, knowing that I'd spent so much time and created so many memories during

[00:07:57] the previous seasons of our lives.

[00:08:00] I felt like I hadn't missed a thing with my daughter.

[00:08:02] I felt no guilt that I hadn't spent enough time with my grandfather.

[00:08:06] I know so often we see these funerals that are packed with people we haven't seen for

[00:08:10] ages, and all I can think is…

[00:08:13] What's the point?

[00:08:15] Why now?

[00:08:16] Spend time with the living.

[00:08:18] Hug your babies.

[00:08:19] Hug your grandparents.

[00:08:21] Enjoy them while they are yours to enjoy.

[00:08:24] Anything is forever.

[00:08:29] You just listened to the post titled, Holding On and Letting Go by Nikki Cox of NoSideBarr.com

[00:08:37] and I'll be back with my commentary right after this.

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[00:11:06] All right, and thanks a lot to Nikki for this terrific post.

[00:11:10] I love the awareness and the sentimentality here.

[00:11:13] I feel it is very similar to how I might have perceived and or written about having

[00:11:17] the same experience myself.

[00:11:20] What I identify with the most though is the end.

[00:11:23] You know we often worry a lot about losing our loved ones.

[00:11:27] Whether it's to death, whether it's to pre-K, or long distance moves, relationships failing.

[00:11:33] Whatever might happen to break us apart.

[00:11:36] And I know different in this way.

[00:11:38] For me, I especially focus on when my parents might pass or when my animals might pass.

[00:11:44] But whatever type of relationship departure scares you.

[00:11:50] Considering it and not shying away from it can be helpful.

[00:11:53] Because as Nikki ended with, if we can get past the sadness and plunge ourselves into

[00:11:59] the present, we find that all we can do with anyone or anything we love is to be present

[00:12:05] with it and appreciate it while we have it.

[00:12:08] And in doing so, at least we can make our grieving processes down the road a bit easier.

[00:12:14] Knowing that we gave it our all and squeezed every drop of juice out of the experiences

[00:12:18] of having these objects of our affection in our lives.

[00:12:22] Lost is hard enough, but it is much more manageable when we know that we did our best with the

[00:12:27] time we had with our loved ones.

[00:12:30] And it should go without saying that this type of presence and appreciation only improves

[00:12:33] the relationships we have with them while we have them.

[00:12:37] So think about how this might relate to you as we sign off for today, everybody.

[00:12:41] As always, I thank you so much for being here and taking a conscious step in the right direction

[00:12:45] when it comes to your relationships.

[00:12:47] Enjoy your day and be sure to come on back tomorrow for more where your optimal life awaits.