2115: The Surprising Thing I Encourage All Couples To Do by Dr. Allison Niebes-Davis of Dr. Allison Answers

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2115.

[00:01:04] The surprising thing I encourage all couples to do

[00:01:08] by Dr. Allison Nebastavis of Dr. Allison Answers.com

[00:01:13] Hello, everybody. I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino.

[00:01:17] This is ORD, the podcast where I share articles for you each day in about 10 minutes.

[00:01:22] And they're all geared towards improving your relationships.

[00:01:25] And now today I've got a post for you from an author we haven't heard from in a while.

[00:01:29] Dr. Allison Nebastavis. She is really great for breaking down psychology into simple to understand chunks.

[00:01:35] But today she's going to speak about something even more relatable.

[00:01:38] That being chores around the house and how to divvy them up appropriately.

[00:01:42] So let's get right into it and optimize your life.

[00:01:46] The surprising thing I encourage all couples to do

[00:01:53] by Dr. Allison Nebastavis of Dr. Allison Answers.com

[00:01:58] You probably won't be surprised to hear that most couples argue about the same things.

[00:02:04] Money, family, quality time, romance and parenting.

[00:02:08] But you might be surprised to know another major source of stress, intention, and relationships

[00:02:14] arguing about chores.

[00:02:17] Arguing over chores is one of the most common and nagging conflicts in a relationship,

[00:02:23] particularly when the couple lives together.

[00:02:25] Fun fact, dishes are the most heated and problematic chore of them all.

[00:02:31] While it may seem silly, the issue of chores is more complex than it seems.

[00:02:36] Arguing over chores activates all sorts of subtle and nuanced dynamics,

[00:02:40] plaguing even the sturdiest of couples.

[00:02:43] You know how it goes.

[00:02:44] The dishes have been building up since yesterday and your partner still hasn't made a move to do them.

[00:02:50] You glare at the sink, silently cursing the fact that you're the only one who seems to notice.

[00:02:55] The living room needs to be vacuumed after a weekend of movies and popcorn.

[00:02:59] But you did it last time, so you refused to do it this time.

[00:03:03] There's one clean towel left and you kindly ask your partner to throw a load in the laundry for the third time

[00:03:09] before finally yelling, never mind, I'll just do it myself.

[00:03:14] Arguing about chores can dramatically impact the quality of a relationship.

[00:03:19] And for that reason, I encourage couples to tackle the issue early in their relationship,

[00:03:24] getting specific about who does what and when.

[00:03:28] While there are various ways to manage the issue of chores in a relationship,

[00:03:32] here's the one I recommend most to couples.

[00:03:34] It's also the one my husband and I use at home.

[00:03:37] Number one, start by creating a list of all the household chores that need to be done.

[00:03:43] Get specific and detailed with your list.

[00:03:45] Wipe down kitchen counters, take out the recycling, vacuum the living room, wash the bathroom towels,

[00:03:52] clean the bathroom mirrors and counters, dust in the kitchen, break each room and chore down into the smallest component possible,

[00:04:00] listing them out on a single sheet of paper.

[00:04:02] This should be a collaborative activity between you and your partner.

[00:04:06] Both contributing chores to the list.

[00:04:08] At this point, don't delegate or assign any tasks.

[00:04:11] Just write out and agree on what household chores need to be done in the first place.

[00:04:16] Number two, now going back and forth, have each partner select a chore they'd like to claim,

[00:04:23] choosing one chore at a time.

[00:04:26] For example, when Matt and I did this years ago, tired of arguing about chores,

[00:04:30] we had a list of about 30 chores in total.

[00:04:33] At this point in the process, he was kind enough to let me choose the first chore.

[00:04:38] I chose clean kitchen counters as my first chore.

[00:04:42] Then it was his turn.

[00:04:43] He chose take out the trash.

[00:04:45] It was now my turn again.

[00:04:47] I chose vacuum the living room.

[00:04:49] Then he chose wipe down the bathroom counters.

[00:04:52] We went back and forth like this, moving through the list of 30 chores,

[00:04:56] eventually getting to some of the least desirable chores, including cleaning the toilets and washing the dishes.

[00:05:02] With each turn, we wrote our name down next to the chore we just claimed,

[00:05:07] making it clear who's responsibility it was.

[00:05:10] Number three, review the list and negotiate if needed.

[00:05:14] Look back over what you've just done and see if it feels balanced.

[00:05:18] Are there any chores that need flushing out to renegotiating?

[00:05:22] Now that you see the whole picture, does it make sense to do anything differently?

[00:05:26] Collaborate in this review process before signing off at the list.

[00:05:30] Put the list somewhere visible where both of you can see it.

[00:05:34] Number four, allow for exceptions.

[00:05:37] As you make the list, think about your relationship and your schedules.

[00:05:41] Are there any special circumstances or situations you want to accommodate for?

[00:05:45] Does one of you travel for work?

[00:05:47] If so, how does that change the list?

[00:05:50] Does one of you have a busy season that might require an adjustment to the schedule?

[00:05:54] Are there other exceptions you want to make room for?

[00:05:57] For example, while dishes are my chosen duty, Matt and I made an exception.

[00:06:02] If I cook a nice meal, he's on dish duty.

[00:06:05] Same goes that if he cooks a nice meal, I'm scrubbing the pots after.

[00:06:09] Document these exceptions and adjustments just like the rest of the list to avoid further arguing about chores.

[00:06:16] Number five, renegotiate and trade if needed but try not to do this often or on the fly.

[00:06:23] In your first month, stick to the agreed upon plan as is.

[00:06:27] When you adopt new practices and habits, it's important to be consistent for the first month as we get acclimated.

[00:06:33] Give yourself time to settle into a routine.

[00:06:36] See how it works and feels.

[00:06:38] Then have a little dinner meeting with your partner to see how it's going.

[00:06:42] Do the two of you want to change anything?

[00:06:44] Do you want to switch any chores?

[00:06:46] Remember, any changes you make get written down.

[00:06:49] If you want to stop arguing about chores, getting detailed and descriptive is important.

[00:06:54] You may not seem romantic to get this detailed, but arguing about chores is a real issue in relationships and its impact just increases over time.

[00:07:03] Don't think that chores will naturally divide themselves and work out evenly among you and your partner.

[00:07:09] That is a disaster waiting to happen.

[00:07:12] So use this method to break down household tasks, collaborate with your partner and stop arguing about chores.

[00:07:18] You just listen to the post titled, The Surprising Thing I Encourage All Couples To Do by Dr. Allison Nebus Davis of Dr. Allison Answers.com.

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[00:09:59] Okay, and thanks a lot to Dr. Allison for this great guide towards dividing chores today.

[00:10:05] I think she's laid out a plan that promotes communication, fairness and equality as much as possible.

[00:10:11] If there is one factor I would add in though, something that I've run into once or twice, especially growing up with a mother who had much higher standards of cleanliness than my brother and I did.

[00:10:21] It would be to also discuss one another's expectations and definitions of chore completion.

[00:10:29] What satisfactory to your partner may not be satisfactory to you and vice versa.

[00:10:34] It's best to spend some time laying out what is and is not acceptable so there are no blurred lines around lack of effort.

[00:10:41] Perhaps if you can each perform the chore together, compare results and discuss why you stand by what's acceptable to you, this process can be sped up.

[00:10:49] And you can also look for opportunities to split the difference. Talk about how the standard might change when guests are coming versus when they aren't.

[00:10:57] And so on. Dr. Allison is right, it's an important and often a very detailed conversation to have.

[00:11:03] But with that we are going to wrap up today friends. Thanks a lot for joining me for this episode and do be sure to come on back tomorrow for more.

[00:11:10] So until then have a wonderful rest of your day and I'll see you back here tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.