2116: The Marriage Diaries: Surprise! I Was a Lousy Wife by Mary Carver with EricaLayne.co on Self-Awareness

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

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[00:00:15] Now onto the show.

[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2116, The Marriage Diaries.

[00:00:24] Surprise, I was a lousy wife by Mary Carver with EricaLane.co.

[00:00:30] Hello everybody and thank you so much for ringing in another episode of Optimal Relationships

[00:00:35] Daily with me or host and narrator Greg Audino.

[00:00:39] It's great to have you here today and we'll be hearing a guest post written on Erica Lane's

[00:00:43] site which we normally share parents and content from.

[00:00:46] But this one is all about taking a hard look at yourself as a partner and how doing so

[00:00:51] can transform your relationship for the better.

[00:00:54] So let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:01:01] The Marriage Diaries.

[00:01:03] Surprise, I was a lousy wife by Mary Carver with EricaLane.co.

[00:01:09] 19 years ago today, I went on my first date with my husband and next spring, we will have

[00:01:15] been married for 15 years.

[00:01:17] I was 20 years old when I said I do or as I often call it stupid young.

[00:01:23] Of course I don't mean to imply that all 20 year olds are stupid or that getting married

[00:01:27] young is a stupid decision for everyone.

[00:01:30] But I honestly was too young and yes, a little stupid.

[00:01:35] The scripture we chose for our wedding ceremony was the familiar passage Corinthians 1-13.

[00:01:42] Like every other romantically shea that I was determined to shoehorn into my life back

[00:01:45] then, love his patient, love his kind was the obvious choice for wisdom on which to base

[00:01:51] our future relationship behavior.

[00:01:54] In hindsight though, what I really needed to hear and take to heart as I entered into

[00:01:59] a lifelong commitment at the ripe old know-it-all age of 20 was a little verse from Proverbs.

[00:02:06] Quote, it is better to dwell in a corner of the house top on the flat roof exposed to

[00:02:12] all kinds of weather than in a house shared with a nagging, coralsome, and fault-finding woman.

[00:02:18] And quote,

[00:02:20] Last year my husband and I experienced a marriage crisis.

[00:02:24] After nearly 13 years of the same fights, the same hurts, the same disappointments, we

[00:02:30] came to a point where we simply couldn't take anymore.

[00:02:33] We'd had it.

[00:02:34] We were done.

[00:02:35] Fortunately, we managed to finally face our real issues, deal with a lot of junk we brought

[00:02:41] into our relationship and nurtured over the years and work through our problems.

[00:02:46] At the end of that difficult season, we were blessed with a new marriage, a redeemed

[00:02:50] marriage.

[00:02:52] Several things factored into the rescue of our marriage, including the Lord truly moving

[00:02:57] in my husband's heart, a miracle for which I will never stop being grateful.

[00:03:02] But I don't know that I'd be talking about a redeemed marriage today if it weren't

[00:03:05] for an unexpected change that occurred in my own heart.

[00:03:09] I realized I'd been a lousy wife.

[00:03:12] When I look back on the days before my wedding, I'm surprised at my juvenile understanding

[00:03:17] of and approach to a grown-up relationship.

[00:03:20] Well, I can recall many mental debates with myself and actual debates with friends who

[00:03:24] thought I was crazy for getting married before I'd finished college about whether Mark

[00:03:29] would be a good husband.

[00:03:30] I'm pretty sure the question of my own ability to be a good wife never occurred to me.

[00:03:36] No, not once.

[00:03:38] How would he treat me?

[00:03:40] How would he show me love?

[00:03:41] How many chores would he do?

[00:03:43] What would he do to make me feel good?

[00:03:46] What would he say to help me feel special?

[00:03:49] These were the questions I pondered and carried with me into my marriage.

[00:03:53] I held those questions and expectations for their answers, tightly as I walked down the

[00:03:58] aisle.

[00:04:00] I packed them carefully into the suitcase I took on our honeymoon, and I made sure they

[00:04:04] made it into one of those boxes we hauled into our first apartment.

[00:04:09] Like my wedding ring, childhood teddy bear and high school yearbooks, those requirements

[00:04:14] for making me a happy wife stayed by my side no matter where we went.

[00:04:18] From apartment to duplex to house, I took those things everywhere.

[00:04:23] And unlike my worn stuffed bear, I kept them at hand at all times.

[00:04:28] I wore them close to my increasingly disappointed and bitter heart, constantly evaluating how

[00:04:34] Mark was living up to my expectations.

[00:04:37] With so much energy poured into my good husband checklist, of course I didn't waste time

[00:04:41] thinking about what kind of wife I was.

[00:04:44] And though I pride myself on being highly self-aware, I failed to notice a pattern of what

[00:04:49] can only be described as contentious behavior.

[00:04:53] Like the screaming fit I threw in the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant one Sunday afternoon,

[00:04:57] all because my husband who had never liked Chinese food wouldn't eat Chinese food with

[00:05:02] me.

[00:05:04] Or our many trips to Blockbuster that ended with me pounding over his refusal to watch

[00:05:08] another romantic comedy.

[00:05:10] Let's not forget the road trip, fights, when he dared change the station during a song

[00:05:14] I liked and settled on the big game instead.

[00:05:18] And don't even ask about the fights I started over how our bathroom towels were hung or

[00:05:22] how this spaghetti was cooked or how and when we paid bills.

[00:05:27] Everything was about what I wanted, how it made me feel and what I thought I deserved.

[00:05:32] Honestly I was like a beastie boy constantly fighting for my rights.

[00:05:37] It was only after counseling and a lot of soul searching that I realized my expectations

[00:05:44] combined with my insistence on being right and having rights were ruining my chance at

[00:05:49] a happy marriage.

[00:05:51] Mark's choice to be a good husband would only save our train wreck of a relationship if

[00:05:55] I chose finally to be a good wife too.

[00:05:59] I'm not saying by any means that I figured it all out.

[00:06:04] Arguments, frustrations, misunderstandings and disappointments still happen and often

[00:06:08] over the dumbest things like radio stations and bathroom towels.

[00:06:13] Thankfully though those instances are much fewer and further between than ever before

[00:06:18] and forgiveness comes quicker and more naturally than before.

[00:06:22] Marriage is full of surprises.

[00:06:25] A decade and a half ago I had no idea that my husband hated vacuuming more than any other

[00:06:30] chore, had a stubborn streak even wider than my own.

[00:06:33] New the words to almost every classic rock song ever written and liked mushrooms on

[00:06:38] his pizza.

[00:06:39] But the most important thing I've been surprised to learn is about how to love my husband better

[00:06:45] and be a better wife and surprise I'm still learning.

[00:06:53] You just listened to the post titled The Marriage Diaries.

[00:06:57] Surprise I was a lousy wife by Mary Carver with Erica Lane.co

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[00:09:31] Thank you to Mary for this post.

[00:09:33] Full of self-awareness and accountability which is all we can hope for in our relationships

[00:09:37] with ourselves and others really.

[00:09:39] And while this post is definitely great for and I think written predominantly for those

[00:09:44] who are already married, I think it also serves as a terrific reminder for those who

[00:09:48] are still in the dating phase that growth is definitely going to continue to happen in

[00:09:54] marriage.

[00:09:55] Now obviously we all know that marriage takes work.

[00:09:58] We've heard that.

[00:09:59] But before getting married, we often don't know exactly what that looks like.

[00:10:04] Well, one of the ways it shows up as we've learned today is through self-work, as Mary

[00:10:10] is alluding to.

[00:10:12] When thinking about getting married, it's essential to walk that line between wanting

[00:10:16] the relationship to be in a stable and reliable place, of course, yet also acknowledging

[00:10:21] that both partners likely still have some maturing to do.

[00:10:25] But amount of growth you feel still might be necessary or tolerable to you is unique

[00:10:30] to you and definitely something to consider.

[00:10:33] But you can't avoid it altogether and expect to have a successful marriage.

[00:10:37] Alright, and that will bring us to the end of this episode everyone.

[00:10:41] Thank you so much for tuning in as always and daring to think differently about your relationships

[00:10:45] today.

[00:10:47] Have a terrific day and be sure to come back tomorrow where we will start our parenting

[00:10:50] leg of the week and where your optimal life awaits.