2119: Are Your Working Too Hard in Your Relationship? by Tonya Lester on Shared Responsibilities & Self-Acceptance

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[00:00:55] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2119.

[00:00:59] Are you working too hard in your relationship by Tonya Lester of TonyaLester.com?

[00:01:05] Hello everybody and thanks for joining us this weekend on ORD.

[00:01:09] I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator here today to bring a really important article to you.

[00:01:15] This one comes from Tonya Lester and provides a voice for those who might be doing more than their share in the relationship

[00:01:22] which can mean a lot of things and look a lot of different ways.

[00:01:25] I'll expand more on that in my commentary at the end, but for now let's hear Tonya's work as we optimize your life.

[00:01:35] Are you working too hard in your relationship by TonyaLester of TonyaLester.com?

[00:01:41] To over function is to take too much responsibility for other people

[00:01:46] to hold yourself to unrealistic expectations and to believe that if every part of your life isn't running optimally, then you are a failure.

[00:01:54] The over functioner is stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel.

[00:01:58] She runs and runs, checking off to do lists, squeezing in one last task before bed

[00:02:04] and constantly thinking ahead to make sure nothing falls between the cracks.

[00:02:08] The over functioner also believes that no one else can do a better job than she can

[00:02:13] and if everything has to be done perfectly, then she needs to do everything.

[00:02:17] Naturally, the over functioner is surrounded by under functioners.

[00:02:21] This dynamic is inevitable, partly because many people are more than willing to do less than their share

[00:02:27] and partly because the over functioner micromanages every task.

[00:02:31] Women are often in this over functioner role.

[00:02:34] Research consistently shows that women pay a social cost for a messy house or imperfect children

[00:02:40] that men simply don't face.

[00:02:43] Many women feel as if small mistakes are catastrophic and that they will be judged harshly for perceived oversight and missteps.

[00:02:50] Some women feel they need to be hyper-vigilant to avoid even the perception that they are screwing up.

[00:02:56] A typical dynamic I see in my office is a couple that comes in because the wife is resentful

[00:03:02] that she is taking the lion's share of household responsibilities while also working full time.

[00:03:08] Her husband seems to have limitless time to pursue his own interests.

[00:03:12] She is seething. It isn't fair. He leaves everything to me.

[00:03:17] While he is shrugging, she wants everything to be perfect and I don't care.

[00:03:22] If she feels like she doesn't have any time for herself, that's not my fault.

[00:03:27] She is over-functioning. He is under-functioning.

[00:03:31] In therapy, we work to rejigger expectations and responsibilities.

[00:03:36] Often, her husband is on board until the wife starts to complain about how he's doing things and gives constant direction about how he could improve.

[00:03:44] He says, if I'm going to do it, you have to let me do it my way.

[00:03:48] Friends, he makes a good point.

[00:03:51] If you are going to micromanage the way things are done, you are not truly giving away the responsibility

[00:03:57] and it is staying on your mental dashboard if things you need to take care of.

[00:04:01] Now you have the double whammy of a resentful husband who feels like he's stepping up but still never gets any credit

[00:04:08] while your own to-do list hasn't shrunk because you still feel responsible for everything.

[00:04:13] Here are a few ways to break the cycle.

[00:04:16] Number 1. Don't regularly do for others what they can do for themselves.

[00:04:21] If you feel like you're doing more than your share, first give back any chores or responsibilities that don't directly affect you.

[00:04:29] If you make lunches for everyone in your family each morning before they run off to work and school as an act of love that feels meaningful to you, keep making the lunches.

[00:04:38] But if this act is morphed into an unappreciated chore that leaves you running late and fuming and you're doing it for anyone over the age of eight, give it up.

[00:04:48] Number 2. When dividing up shared responsibilities, mutually decide on a minimum standard of care.

[00:04:55] In her book about dividing the labor, both mental and physical, of running a household, fair play, author Eve Rodzky advises using the same standards judges use when determining whether an act is acceptable or not.

[00:05:10] Any action taken by a citizen should reflect the shared values and traditions of that specific community.

[00:05:17] In your community, that may be that it's expected that children will call adults by their first name.

[00:05:22] In a different community, Mr and Mrs are considered a must.

[00:05:26] In your home, it might mean that cleaning the kitchen means all the food and dishes are put away.

[00:05:32] In your neighbor's home, cleaning the kitchen also includes wiping the counters and sweeping the floor. Both are fine.

[00:05:39] And number 3. Pick one or two areas where you really want to give it your all, then consciously lower your standards and others.

[00:05:47] It doesn't have to all be perfect or even great. Overfunctioning is not about excellence. It's about anxiety.

[00:05:55] That nervous revving you feel in your stomach isn't spurring you to greater achievement.

[00:06:00] It's just distracting you from identifying what your true priorities are and letting the other stuff be mediocre.

[00:06:06] Something must give. The likelihood is that if everything must be exceptional, nothing really is.

[00:06:13] And Lamott is quoted as saying,

[00:06:16] your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued.

[00:06:21] Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances

[00:06:27] or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are.

[00:06:37] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:39] Are you working too hard in your relationship?

[00:06:42] By TonyaLester of TonyaLester.com

[00:06:45] And be sure to stick around for my comments right after this.

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[00:09:15] And thank you to Tonya for this post.

[00:09:17] One that I truly hope you'll think about and apply in your own relationship, as so much of what she's talked about really tends to sneak up on us.

[00:09:26] And when that happens and these imbalances are not discussed in the moment, a lot of resentment can build up.

[00:09:35] One more thing I would add to this post though and that I would encourage you to keep in mind is that we can also work too hard emotionally.

[00:09:43] Now that might mean changing your behavior or attitude when you don't have to, if it means keeping the peace.

[00:09:49] It might mean giving your partner more chances than they've earned.

[00:09:54] It might mean justifying bad behavior from them that you've been tolerating for years now without seeing any efforts to change.

[00:10:00] It really boils down to any form of silencing yourself beyond that point of general compromise that's necessary in all relationships.

[00:10:09] And this can be very easy to slip into, you know, if we have a hard time standing up for ourselves or we just feel as though speaking up too much,

[00:10:16] puts our relationship at risk of failing somehow.

[00:10:19] But it's necessary work to do.

[00:10:22] So think today about how healthy compromise looks for you and your relationship and whether or not you or your partner have exceeded it.

[00:10:31] And I'll leave you to it for now everyone as we wrap up another episode.

[00:10:34] Thank you so much for joining, considering this post and doing a good thing for your relationships today by tuning in.

[00:10:41] Have a great Saturday and be sure to come back tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.