2121: Q&A - How Can I Manage Feelings of Loneliness After Losing My Parents? on The Profound Impact of Parental Loss

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[00:00:56] Hello, everybody and welcome back for another Q&A edition of Optimal Relationships Daily

[00:01:01] episode 2121. I'm your host, Greg Audino, back with you for the second time today.

[00:01:07] And ready to do my favorite thing on this show which is answering a question submitted

[00:01:11] by one of the listeners. If this is something you might be interested in doing, submitting

[00:01:15] a question that is, listen to my commentary at the end for instructions on how.

[00:01:20] But first let's see how we can support today's asker as we get into the question now and

[00:01:24] optimize your life. Hey, Greg, I've lost both my mother and father

[00:01:33] and I'm very lonely without them. Any ideas to help me out? Alright, short question,

[00:01:40] very powerful, needless to say, thanks for reaching out for help asker.

[00:01:44] So I'll start by saying that I don't know what it's like to lose a parent I haven't

[00:01:50] been there. It is something I think about daily, however. And that's because I anticipated

[00:01:58] being one of the most difficult phases of life that I will face. So as I try to step

[00:02:06] outside of myself and sort of take a bird's eye view of my own life, I can expect that

[00:02:12] deep pain to come my way when it's time for my parents to go. And in doing this, I find

[00:02:19] comfort in three places. And I'll talk through them and I encourage you to sit with whatever

[00:02:25] feelings they bring up for you. So the first idea that brings me comfort is the fact

[00:02:31] that in contemplating this reality while I still have my parents here, I'm able to consider

[00:02:37] how I can best use the remaining time I still have with them. I do live far from both

[00:02:43] of them. So seeing them isn't always so easy though I do make time to go and we do talk

[00:02:48] on the phone of course. But most importantly, I'm able to be grateful for them. I'm able

[00:02:54] to show them more love, forgiveness, compassion, understanding. Right? I have time to reflect

[00:03:01] on how valuable they are to me being the first anchors I ever had in life and I can bring

[00:03:08] this appreciation into my interactions with them. And I find that this is the very best

[00:03:14] thing I can do to love both myself and them now and from my best estimate after they

[00:03:20] pass. Now, I know you don't have this phase anymore, this opportunity anymore. Your time

[00:03:28] with them has passed as it was always supposed to. But the feelings of loneliness you're experiencing

[00:03:35] tell me that you shared a lot of love with your parents. Sure, you might have wished

[00:03:40] you'd seen them more or avoided certain conflicts or would have you, you know, no one navigates

[00:03:45] any relationship with complete precision. But feeling lonely without them is reflective

[00:03:50] of love. And so what I'm saying is I can only hope to feel this way when my parents go

[00:03:56] because it means that I appreciated my time with them to the best of my ability which

[00:04:01] again right now is my best estimate as to what I can do. So to feel lonely without them,

[00:04:07] you know, it's much better than to feel indifference or resentment or even joy. Now there

[00:04:14] are people out there who do feel this way about the passing of their parents and though

[00:04:19] they may not know it or show it, it's a really heavy cross to bear. And yours is heavy too.

[00:04:25] But it is a sign that you extracted love from those relationships while you had them.

[00:04:30] And this is the best we can hope to do once all is said and done. Even if it didn't

[00:04:35] feel as though love was there every step of the way because it never will. Now the second

[00:04:40] idea that brings me comfort is that while life without parents lasts forever once it starts,

[00:04:47] the phase that I mentioned in the beginning is a phase of incredible hardship that inevitably

[00:04:53] slows over time, you know, right after they pass this phase of the year and now. Now hopefully

[00:04:59] this really painful phase is left as a small blip on the radar of your time on this planet.

[00:05:05] And this is to say that you are in a healing process and you are taking steps to recover and come

[00:05:11] to terms with these losses. Reaching out to me is a step you've taken to find healing

[00:05:17] and though it might not be a perfectly upward trajectory and different feelings may flare up

[00:05:23] unexpectedly, you are doing what you need to do to recover right now. It's happening as you listen

[00:05:28] to this every time you reach out for help every time you share a good memory about your parents or

[00:05:34] forgive your parents or take care of yourself or allow yourself to embrace these feelings that you're

[00:05:40] having without suppressing them, etc. All of these things when you are doing them you are slowly

[00:05:46] returning back to stasis or at least feeling at stasis. It might take a while to come to terms with

[00:05:52] the fact that these losses and these feelings are perfectly normal but after that you will actually

[00:05:57] start to feel that normality. So much has been broken which means that so much is on the verge of being

[00:06:03] rebuilt which brings me to the third source of comfort I find when considering what life after

[00:06:09] my parents are gone might look like and that would be the rebuild and what it's left me with

[00:06:15] the condition it's left me in. I don't want my parents to go anymore than you wanted your parents

[00:06:21] to go but I know that in that small but powerful percentage of time spent in my life shortly after

[00:06:28] they go and when my pain is at its worst as yours is now I will be becoming stronger. You might

[00:06:35] look back on how past hurts have made you stronger perhaps some to the point that you were grateful

[00:06:40] for, grateful for having them. You can become stronger from this too. You know you are an individual

[00:06:46] first and foremost we all are in spite of how connected we may feel to our parents or anyone

[00:06:53] else who are close with and who you are as your own person that individual self can grow now

[00:06:59] perhaps more than ever. Your independence can grow, your ability to be grateful for loved ones can

[00:07:06] grow. As you now join the legion of billions of people on this earth who understand what it means

[00:07:13] to lose a parent your senses of compassion and connectedness can grow. It's a heavy cost needless to

[00:07:21] say but it's also a gift your parents have given you and in this way they're still with you

[00:07:26] guiding you in a different way. So all this to say ask her you are in a time of great transition

[00:07:34] it's one of the hardest if not the hardest transitions life will put you through

[00:07:38] your loneliness, sadness, guilt, shame, fear, anger whatever your feeling it is valid

[00:07:45] my response here today is unlikely to make you feel all better just by itself

[00:07:49] it's not supposed to no single form of catharsis will make this pain go away just in a flash

[00:07:56] but rather the assortment of your experiences right now are slowly but surely providing you the

[00:08:02] tools you need to grow from the loss of your parents all while honoring their memory at the same time

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[00:10:39] okay and thanks again to the asker for submitting this question

[00:10:43] I really have so much admiration for all of you that send in such questions and have the

[00:10:47] bravery to open up like this to me and effectively to those who listen to

[00:10:52] there's a lot of community that comes from choosing to do this and I hope that remembering

[00:10:56] this can also help you recognize that you are not alone asker now for anyone else who is seeking

[00:11:02] help in their relationships you are encouraged to submit a question for the show if you'd like to as

[00:11:07] I said I would be more than happy to provide support in whatever help I can so you can email

[00:11:12] your question to me the email address is advice at oldpodcast.com advice at OLDpodcast.com

[00:11:21] don't be shy I read them all and you will definitely get a response back

[00:11:24] but that will wrap up another episode of ORD thank you very much for tuning in and helping to

[00:11:29] support a fellow listener today enjoy the remainder of your weekend and I'll see you again tomorrow

[00:11:34] where your optimal life awaits