2122: Are You Addicted To Your Ex? To Love? Or Are You Still Grieving? by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Emotional Complexities

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2122.

[00:01:05] Are you addicted to your ex?

[00:01:07] To love?

[00:01:08] Or are you still grieving?

[00:01:10] By Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:01:14] Hello everybody and welcome welcome to a new week of ORD with me or host and narrator

[00:01:19] Greg Audino.

[00:01:20] Thanks a lot for joining today as we dive into a post from Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:01:24] who's work I always love.

[00:01:26] In this article she'll be providing us with a lot of food for thought when it comes to

[00:01:30] our search for love, especially after a painful breakup.

[00:01:34] So let's get right into it as we optimize your life.

[00:01:37] Are you addicted to your ex?

[00:01:42] To love?

[00:01:43] Or are you still grieving?

[00:01:45] By Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:01:50] I never considered getting back with either of my exes.

[00:01:54] Not that they were chomping at the bit to be with me again either, there was far too much

[00:01:57] water under the bridge.

[00:01:59] Yet saying goodbye to love or what you defined as love can be a lot more difficult than

[00:02:04] you anticipate and you can far too easily bounce back to an ex just to avoid the pain

[00:02:09] of letting go forever.

[00:02:11] Let's look at some of the most common destructive patterns when you can't make a breakup stick.

[00:02:17] The drama of the yo-yo relationship.

[00:02:20] Many people break up in reconcile.

[00:02:26] These relationships can be quite dramatic, and in fact for some the very chaos of that

[00:02:30] pattern can be addictive.

[00:02:33] You can become so accustomed to life being full of traumatic, angry goodbyes and reckless

[00:02:37] seductive reunions that a more stable, healthy relationship seems boring in its wake.

[00:02:44] And you're likely to exhaust the energies of friends and family who watch you do this

[00:02:47] over and over.

[00:02:49] The desperation of love addiction.

[00:02:52] You can create problems by becoming obsessed with the search for love.

[00:02:56] There's even a diagnostic category of love addiction, complete with specific symptoms.

[00:03:01] One highly acclaimed treatment center says this about the love addict.

[00:03:05] Quote,

[00:03:06] Love addicts live in a chaotic world of desperate need and emotional despair.

[00:03:12] Fearful of being alone or rejected.

[00:03:14] Love addicts endlessly search for that special someone.

[00:03:17] The person that will make the addict feel whole.

[00:03:20] Ironically, love addicts oftentimes have had numerous opportunities for the truly intimate

[00:03:25] experience they think they want.

[00:03:28] But they are much more strongly attracted to the intense experience of falling in love

[00:03:32] than they are to the peaceful intimacy of healthy relationships.

[00:03:36] As such, they spend much of their time hunting for the one.

[00:03:41] They base nearly all of their life choices on the desire and search for this perfect

[00:03:45] relationship.

[00:03:46] Everything from wardrobe choices to endless hours at the gym, to engaging in hobbies and

[00:03:51] other activities that may or may not interest them, to the ways in which they involve others

[00:03:56] in conversations and social interactions.

[00:03:59] End quote.

[00:04:01] This sounds terrible to me.

[00:04:03] Acting on the belief that the perfect relationship will fix your inner fear.

[00:04:08] Healthy relationships don't complete your life.

[00:04:10] They enhance your already fulfilled life.

[00:04:13] The bitterness and confusion of not getting emotionally divorced.

[00:04:17] Then, there's what I call emotional divorce.

[00:04:21] Perhaps you've heard someone talking about their ex or their divorce and the intensity

[00:04:25] of their anger or sadness feels raw and almost ugly.

[00:04:29] Yet when you ask, so how long ago did the relationship end?

[00:04:34] The answer startles you.

[00:04:35] It was five years ago.

[00:04:38] Mental divorce takes time, energy and self-reflection.

[00:04:42] You have to take responsibility for your part of the failure or the struggle that was never

[00:04:46] reconciled.

[00:04:48] If not, you can remain bitter or despairing.

[00:04:51] But many people do have fantasies about getting back together.

[00:04:55] They talk about what they did wrong and wonder if they'd still be together if they'd only

[00:04:58] tried harder.

[00:05:00] That kind of question is hard to face.

[00:05:02] Yet sometimes couples often don't want to do the hard work of letting go.

[00:05:07] So they continue sleeping together, meeting late at night at Sonic or spending significant

[00:05:12] time together.

[00:05:13] Even if they know they're holding on to a memory of what was and no longer is.

[00:05:19] Is it normal grieving or have I made a mistake?

[00:05:22] But let's say you simply miss your ex, whether you were dating or married.

[00:05:27] How do you know if this is normal grieving or if you've made a mistake?

[00:05:31] Relationships are a mixture of happy and not so happy.

[00:05:34] And remember, you're not only grieving your ex but you're grieving all the effort you

[00:05:38] put into the relationship.

[00:05:40] That can take a reinterpretation of the relationship and your own history.

[00:05:45] Here are some questions to consider when you're uncertain about your breakup.

[00:05:49] Number 1.

[00:05:50] Are you afraid of being alone or are you simply lonely?

[00:05:55] Loneliness or the fear you'll not find in other partner can be much harder to handle than

[00:05:59] anyone expects.

[00:06:01] If you've got kids together, you may miss those moments that you used to share.

[00:06:05] The type of moments that only the two people who brought these particular children into

[00:06:09] the world would find funny or tender.

[00:06:11] So first, you need to build skills at handling being on your own, whether it's single parenting

[00:06:17] or enjoying solos at or day nights, creating new routines, getting comfortable with your

[00:06:23] new life.

[00:06:24] I read an article yesterday by Dr. Patrick Karnes and his advice was learn how to turn loneliness

[00:06:30] into solitude.

[00:06:32] Once you've accomplished this emotionally, your far more likely to be assured getting back

[00:06:37] together is not based on fear.

[00:06:40] Number 2.

[00:06:41] Are you romanticizing or idealizing the relationship that was?

[00:06:46] History and familiarity can be very comforting.

[00:06:49] You used to smile when he sang in the shower.

[00:06:51] You had a soft spot for the way she curled up next to you.

[00:06:55] You missed those things.

[00:06:57] And memory can romanticize the way we were.

[00:07:00] And rediscovering passion can excite and seduce.

[00:07:04] But what has changed enough for you to trust that whatever broke you apart would be different

[00:07:08] now?

[00:07:09] Try to be more reality focused on the positives of your ex and the changes they've made.

[00:07:14] Hope those reasons to yourself when you're considering rebooting the relationship, rather

[00:07:18] than the more romantic memories.

[00:07:21] He has a steady job now and seems to have matured.

[00:07:24] He's much more giving than she used to be.

[00:07:27] But remember that your own changes, your own growth, are the only things that you have

[00:07:32] control over.

[00:07:33] If you do try again, give the new relationship between the two of you time to develop to

[00:07:38] see if you can build and maintain fresh patterns of communication and behavior.

[00:07:43] This will give you confidence that this relationship has far more healthy potential.

[00:07:48] Number 3.

[00:07:50] Do you believe you and your ex have the capacity to fully forgive?

[00:07:54] Evenest is key.

[00:07:56] Both of you must take responsibility for your end of whatever caused the breakup.

[00:08:01] This is vital for a relationship to reemerge.

[00:08:04] You have to talk through those disappointments and hurts.

[00:08:07] Give apologies for the impact of your choices on the other, and not rationalize mistakes.

[00:08:13] What fresh information are you learning?

[00:08:15] Can you truly leave the past in the past?

[00:08:18] This process can be healing, whether it's for emotional closure or for actual reconciliation.

[00:08:24] But it has to be a two-way discussion, and forgiveness must be something you can both

[00:08:28] offer if you want to move forward into a healthy new chapter together.

[00:08:33] And number 4.

[00:08:34] How will you handle the reactions of others who supported you during the breakup?

[00:08:39] Handling other people's reactions can be difficult as well.

[00:08:43] The people that love you witnessed the devastation, heard about the fights, the affair, or the

[00:08:48] silent treatment.

[00:08:50] They may have misgivings that they either voice openly or keep to themselves.

[00:08:54] This is true especially if either of you have trash talked to the other.

[00:08:58] You may have done the work to forgive, but others may need more time to accept and trust

[00:09:02] this new alliance.

[00:09:04] Having open discussions with them about the work you two have done together to explain how

[00:09:08] things have changed might be necessary to have their support.

[00:09:12] If you do decide to try again, remember you want to build a new relationship with fresh patterns

[00:09:17] of communication and different expectations.

[00:09:20] You cannot go back, you can't recreate what was, but you can gently go forward.

[00:09:31] You just listened to the post titled, Are You Addicted to Your Ex To Love Or Are You Still

[00:09:37] Grieving by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com And I'll be back with my commentary

[00:09:43] right after this.

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[00:11:58] And thank you so much to Dr. Margaret for this post.

[00:12:15] There's a lot to like about this one needless to say.

[00:12:18] I really like the note she ended on about trying again or restarting and I hope it's something

[00:12:23] that you all take time to reflect on.

[00:12:26] What I think she's saying here is that once something has ended, not just a relationship,

[00:12:31] it's important for us to try to get into the frame of mind that encourages new beginnings.

[00:12:36] And sometimes that doesn't mean a new start environmentally.

[00:12:40] Maybe you do want to try to be in a relationship with the same person or turn to a place you

[00:12:44] once lived where a job you once had.

[00:12:48] You know we don't always have to leave everything in the past behind us.

[00:12:52] But if we are trying to find joy in the same environment or the same place in which we

[00:12:57] once failed, or found hurt, we do need to build a new mindset.

[00:13:03] Returning to a partner from the past does not mean going back into old patterns.

[00:13:08] It means that if it's going to work, the mindset going in has to be about getting to know

[00:13:12] who they are now as she said, communicating differently, relating differently and ultimately

[00:13:18] discovering if a healthier relationship with that person is possible.

[00:13:23] But mind you, if we are lost in the addiction of finding love or chaotic relationships

[00:13:28] or any of Dr. Margaret's suggestions, we can sometimes tell ourselves that these changes

[00:13:33] are necessary but that doesn't mean we'll follow through on them.

[00:13:38] So holding ourselves accountable and taking change very seriously is essential if we're

[00:13:43] trying to rekindle old flames of any kind.

[00:13:46] If it feels easy to just transition back into an old relationship, there's probably

[00:13:51] a stone that's left unturned.

[00:13:52] I hate to tell you.

[00:13:54] So think critically about what changes you and or your partner need to go through.

[00:13:58] Okay, and that'll bring us to the end of this episode everybody.

[00:14:01] Thank you so much for being here and making it possible.

[00:14:03] I appreciate your listenership as always and we couldn't do this without you.

[00:14:08] So have a great rest of your day and I'll talk to you again tomorrow where your optimal

[00:14:11] life awaits.