2123: Your Worsening Worry Wants Your Help to De-Stress by Ingrid Y. Helander on Management of Stress & Anxiety

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[00:00:05] most adult town of evil. It's all, I can't know, don't. The first old man, I believe,

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[00:00:27] the middle of the parent, only in theaters Friday, yet to get to know.

[00:00:52] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2123. You are worsening worry wants your

[00:00:58] help to de-stress by Ingrid Weihelender of IngridWeihelenderLMFT.com.

[00:01:05] Hello everybody and thanks for joining me today. I'm Greg Audino, your host, and I'm happy

[00:01:10] you stopped in. This time on ORD, I'll be checking back in with a contributor that we've

[00:01:14] been sharing from for a while now. Ingrid Weihelender, she is a licensed marriage and family

[00:01:19] therapist, that's what the LMFT and her site name stands for. And she's got a great

[00:01:24] article today on Worry, what it means for our relationships with ourselves and others,

[00:01:30] and how we can see it in a new light. So let's hear her work now and optimize your life.

[00:01:39] You are worsening worry wants your help to de-stress by Ingrid Weihelender of IngridWeihelenderLMFT.com.

[00:01:48] Discovering, befriending, and naming your worry transforms and heals your relationship

[00:01:53] to your own stress. Everyone I work with wants their worries, anxiety, and fears to go

[00:01:58] away. It's natural and normal to want the pain to stop, the unease and stuckness to

[00:02:04] recede. The truth is, your anxieties can calm and stop stressing you out, but ignoring

[00:02:10] or waging war on worry is a surefire recipe for more worry. A first step to move out

[00:02:16] of the stuck patterns of anxiety, the chronic worry, lack of motivation, insecurity, stressful

[00:02:22] thoughts, and fatigue is to know and name the sensations that are annoying you today.

[00:02:28] Here's why this technique is so important. Have you ever been to a playground or youth

[00:02:32] sporting event where there are a lot of children? Notice what happens when just one of those

[00:02:37] kids calls mom? Yes, 15 women answer, expecting that the call is their child. Or imagine

[00:02:44] going to the dog park and none of the owners have named their dogs. It will be a stressful

[00:02:49] hurting event to get each pet in the car and home again. Names provide definition, meaning

[00:02:54] and most importantly, a calm connection. When we know someone's name, we initiate a relationship

[00:03:01] with that person. Have you noticed how in some stores the cashiers will call you by name

[00:03:06] after seeing your credit card? Names are powerful connectors and businesses want to use

[00:03:11] that power to create more sales. Now, let's apply this knowledge to stress and worry. I

[00:03:18] was talking with a 15-year-old high schooler the other day. She told me that her anxiety

[00:03:22] and worry has been with her throughout her life. She went on to say that as she has gotten

[00:03:27] older, her anxiety has increased and grown with her. As we talked, she described that

[00:03:33] she used to be able to get away from the pain by staying occupied and never alone with

[00:03:37] her thoughts. However, she now feels more stressed, acknowledging that the worry has

[00:03:43] crept into her social and school life, invading times that used to be fun. This young woman

[00:03:48] is smart. She has realized that no matter how she tries, she will not outrun a part of

[00:03:54] herself. Ignoring disowning and pushing away stress is an ineffective strategy. However,

[00:03:59] it is the technique most often prescribed in daily living. We tell ourselves and others,

[00:04:05] don't worry about it. Think positively and it'll go away. When you deny and ignore worried

[00:04:10] parts of you, you undermine your own ability to calm yourself. Let's return to the example

[00:04:16] of the moms at the playground. Think about how frustrated the child is when they call for

[00:04:20] mom and ten of the wrong moms respond. Notice too, how the stressed moms begin to tune out

[00:04:26] calls, tired of jumping for another person's child. If you experience all stress as an

[00:04:32] unpleasant experience and call it the same exact thing in your mind, how can you ever respond

[00:04:37] in an effective way? There's not enough relationship and specificity between you and your internal

[00:04:42] experience. Like the moms and kids in the park, you will respond inaccurately to the wrong cues

[00:04:48] or ignore your needs completely, too confused by the many worried calls to answer. Internally,

[00:04:55] this feels overwhelming which is fuel for more worry and anxiety. Now, think about how frustrating

[00:05:01] it is for the owners in the no-name dog park example. When calling a dog without a name or personal

[00:05:07] signal to connect like a whistle, it's frustrating and disempowering. Owners will be seeking any means

[00:05:13] of personal connection to gain control. Can you imagine? The owners are running, kneeling,

[00:05:18] imploring, cajoling, and of course bringing out treats too enticed to pets. Both the dogs

[00:05:24] and the owners feel frenzyed and out of control. Certainly their worry is doubling by the minute.

[00:05:30] Contrary to popular belief, creating a name and relationship with the parts of you that are stressed

[00:05:35] out does not increase the worry. In fact, it calms anxiety and empowers you to be helpful. Think

[00:05:42] about that for a moment. There is amazing power in being so attuned with your worries that when one

[00:05:48] thought or sensation begins to run wildly, you can kindly call its name, offer some care,

[00:05:54] and like the dogs in the park, take it home to rest. If this sounds a little strange, that's normal.

[00:06:00] Listen on for my three ways to get started. Number one, when you feel a little worry,

[00:06:06] anxiety or stress, slow down for one moment. I often tell clients to use any excuse to have

[00:06:13] a moment with yourself. This might be a bathroom break, going to get some water, a brief walk,

[00:06:18] or even a moment to just close your eyes. As you practice, you will be able to do this more spontaneously.

[00:06:24] Begin to gently pay attention to your breathing, slowing or deepening it as it feels best to you.

[00:06:30] Number two, get curious about where you feel stress and anxiety in your body or mind.

[00:06:36] What are the qualities of the anxiety? Imagine that you are getting to know this part of yourself

[00:06:42] as you would a person or a pet. Let the worry show you who it is rather than telling it who it is.

[00:06:48] If this is too hard, that's all right. Simply breathe, and if it's possible, express a little

[00:06:53] caring or curiosity to the worry. Just say, hi. You're on your way and some relationships take

[00:07:00] longer than others. Think about the dog who has come from a shelter and needs a little extra time.

[00:07:05] Number three, now that you have a clearer sense of how this particular anxiety presents in you,

[00:07:11] you can give it a name. This name can be a broader description like my four-year-old or a

[00:07:16] specific physical quality like the heavy chest slash tight throat. You may actually find a name

[00:07:22] like Ziggy or pesky or Frank, but whatever you discover while focusing toward your worry guide

[00:07:27] you're naming. You and your part can always change it later as you grow in relationship.

[00:07:33] It's similar to how we name children and pets, and then they often grow into a nickname.

[00:07:38] This is the beginning of your journey together with your worry, anxiety and stress.

[00:07:43] Remember that no part of you is trying to hurt you. Take a deep breath and congratulate

[00:07:48] yourself for your discovery. This relationship will be a boon for you forever.

[00:07:56] You just listen to the post titled, You Are Worseening Worry Wants Your Help To Distress

[00:08:02] by Ingrid Y. Hellendr of IngridYHellendrLMFT.com.

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[00:10:33] Okay, and a really important post from Ingrid today, right? First of all, so she gave my cat a

[00:10:39] shout out. His name is Ziggy, one of the names she dropped. My cat's older brother, my other cat

[00:10:46] is named Nikki Biscotti. I don't anticipate that name being brought up anywhere. But really,

[00:10:51] a post like this is so valuable because it helps us to do what we've talked about a million times.

[00:10:57] And that is take the vagueness out of our feelings and add some specificity or measurement,

[00:11:04] if you will, to them. Getting so clear with our feelings to the point that we can actually

[00:11:09] package them into their own identity that we can talk to is hugely important because we're

[00:11:15] able to establish a relationship with them. We're able to understand our feelings and communicate

[00:11:20] with them rather than always trying to vilify them or catch up with them somehow. And this idea

[00:11:26] aligns well with the way she ended the post, reminding us that worry is not trying to hurt us.

[00:11:32] Yes, if we can take a breath and see our worries for what they are,

[00:11:37] we'll find that they are indeed trying to help us, and therefore a reason hardwired in us for

[00:11:42] our survival. So how can we find the gap between those good intentions in the present moment?

[00:11:49] How to use that response in a way that's appropriate for the given circumstances? It's important

[00:11:55] to consider, but it's impossible if we're busy making enemies out of our feelings. That is

[00:12:00] something to think about. But that is going to do it for this one everybody. Thanks a million

[00:12:04] for joining me today for another post. It really means a lot and I hope you enjoyed our time

[00:12:08] today as much as I did. Have a great rest of your Tuesday if you're listening in real time and be

[00:12:13] sure to come on back for tomorrow's episode where your optimal life awaits.