2124: Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success by Dr. Marni Feuerman with Gottman

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[00:00:50] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2124.

[00:00:56] Managing versus resolving conflict in relationships. The Blueprints for Success by Dr. Marnie Feuerman with Gottman.com.

[00:01:05] Hello everybody and welcome back to O.R.D. I'm Greg Audino and this is the show on which I read to you each and every day from different blog posts that cover relationship building.

[00:01:16] We reach out to expert authors, we get their permission and share their content for you.

[00:01:21] And Expertise is truly on display today as this post comes from the Gottman Institute which is arguably the most reputable and esteemed center for relationship research worldwide.

[00:01:31] So let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:01:36] Managing versus resolving conflict in relationships. The Blueprints for Success by Dr. Marnie Feuerman with Gottman.com.

[00:01:47] In the seven principles for making marriage work, Dr. John Gottman's research proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable.

[00:01:58] These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way or longstanding issues around spending and saving money.

[00:02:07] Their research findings emphasize the idea that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.

[00:02:15] Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever completely eliminate them.

[00:02:23] However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth.

[00:02:29] Let's look at three conflict blueprints to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.

[00:02:37] Conflict Blueprint number one, Current Conflicts.

[00:02:41] This blueprint addresses current conflicts.

[00:02:44] Based on game theory, a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflict and improve cooperation with others,

[00:02:51] this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully.

[00:02:59] This involves each speaker and listener taking turns.

[00:03:02] Both partners must be emotionally calm when speaking.

[00:03:06] The listener should take notes on what the speaker says.

[00:03:09] The speaker should focus on using a softened startup, stating feelings by using eye statements, and asking for needs to be met in a positive and respectful way.

[00:03:19] Tips to effectively navigate blueprint number one include

[00:03:23] Take a 15-20-minute break if things get too heated and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down.

[00:03:30] When you return to talk, only one person should have the floor to talk all the other partner listens. No interruptions.

[00:03:37] Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone, use an eye statement and express something you need.

[00:03:44] For example, could I ask you something? I felt embarrassed when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Could you please be aware of that in the future?

[00:03:53] And use repair attempts. Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and de-escalate the conflict.

[00:04:02] For example, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say I hear you, or I understand, and so on.

[00:04:12] Body language is important too. Not your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.

[00:04:19] Conflict blueprint number two attachment injuries.

[00:04:23] This blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries often known as triggers that occurred prior to or during the relationship.

[00:04:32] Also called attachment injuries by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved.

[00:04:40] These frequently involve breaches of our trust. It is crucial to avoid being negative when discussing triggers.

[00:04:47] You both need to speak calmly and understand that both of your viewpoints are valid, even if you disagree.

[00:04:53] The goals are to gain comprehension of each other's perspective and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.

[00:05:01] There are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury.

[00:05:06] These five steps are from the Gottman's aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident booklet.

[00:05:11] A couple should focus on describing how they feel, expressing their individual personal realities, exploring any underlying triggers,

[00:05:20] taking responsibility and apologizing, and forming productive plans for healing.

[00:05:25] Tips to effectively navigate blueprint number two include offer a genuine apology to your partner regardless of your agreement or disagreement with their perspective.

[00:05:35] Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.

[00:05:40] Verbalize what you can't take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight.

[00:05:48] For example, I was too harsh when I spoke to you or I was stressed all day and took it out on you.

[00:05:55] And ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal and move forward. Be sure to follow through on the request.

[00:06:03] And conflict blueprint number three, gridlock and dialogue.

[00:06:08] Couples are often neither gridlocked or in dialogue on their perpetual problems, and research suggests that these problems concern personality differences or core fundamental needs.

[00:06:20] Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic even though minor arguments arise occasionally.

[00:06:30] Overall, the couple has made peace on the issue and they agree to disagree.

[00:06:35] Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning and dreams that form the basis for each partner steadfast perspective.

[00:06:44] Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner's dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake.

[00:06:52] Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partner's personality and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other's position on the issue.

[00:07:05] Tips to effectively navigate blueprint number three include take turns speaking and listening.

[00:07:11] As the speaker, you should communicate clearly and honestly where does your perspective or position on the issue come from?

[00:07:18] And what does it symbolize for you? What kinds of lifelong dreams or core issues are at stake for you?

[00:07:24] As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker.

[00:07:28] No judging or arguing and don't give advice or try to solve this problem.

[00:07:33] Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns.

[00:07:40] Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.

[00:07:46] And find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way to larger plans.

[00:07:52] If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap or try to make plans to give each partner's dreams a chance to grow and become a reality.

[00:08:01] All relationships have perpetual problems that crop up throughout your lives as a couple.

[00:08:07] Psychologists Dan Wile once said that when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.

[00:08:17] No one escapes this fact.

[00:08:19] Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well.

[00:08:27] You just listened to the post titled, Managing vs Resolving Conflict in Relationships, The Blueprints for Success by Dr. Marney Foyerman with Gotman.com

[00:08:41] And I'll be back right after this with my comments.

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[00:11:11] And thanks very much to Dr. Marnie for this post and sharing the blueprints.

[00:11:15] What I like about this article is that while we look through the different blueprints, we find that communication is really a core element of all three.

[00:11:24] And yes, we talk about communication a lot needless to say.

[00:11:28] But today we got to look into its nuances. It's not always just saying what's on your mind and that's that.

[00:11:35] Sometimes it's having a back and forth in which each partner speaks uninterrupted or sometimes it's apologizing for the fact that you've hurt your partner rather than just explaining your side.

[00:11:45] Sometimes it's talking about your history, not just the present moment.

[00:11:50] So there are different times for different facets of communication and it's not so one-sided.

[00:11:56] We need to make sure we're communicating in a way that our partners hear us and that we hear them in addition to meeting our own needs of self expression.

[00:12:05] And posts like this help us to do that which is critical.

[00:12:08] So thanks again to Dr. Marnie for that. It's time to get going for now though everyone.

[00:12:13] I really appreciate you being here and for staying through to the end and for making another episode possible.

[00:12:18] Go out there and put to use what you've learned today and I'll see you back here for more ORD tomorrow.

[00:12:23] That's where your optimal life awaits.