2125: How to Turn Tough Conversations Into Learning Opportunities by Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting

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[00:00:49] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2125. How to turn tough conversations into learning opportunities by Dr. Laura Markham of AHA Parenting.com

[00:01:04] Hello everybody and happy Thursday. Welcome back to the show that's all about building better relationships day by day, Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:12] I'm your host Greg Audino, this time here with an article for the parents out there. So let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:01:19] How to turn tough conversations into learning opportunities by Dr. Laura Markham of AHA Parenting.com

[00:01:31] Almost from the time our kids can talk, there are conflicts we need to work through with them. An impending move, I'm not going.

[00:01:40] You're six year old lying, you're nine year old flunking math, you're 12 year old using profanity on Instagram, you're 15 year old getting drunk with his friends.

[00:01:51] Starting out on the offensive will only slam the doors of communication. If you can control your emotions and keep the conversation safe,

[00:01:59] your child may be able to stop being defensive and start sharing. That's when breakthroughs happen.

[00:02:06] The child actually sees the error of her ways and becomes motivated to repair things, unlike when we jump to blame in punishment and the child assumes you never understand or care.

[00:02:17] Here's how to master the art of tough conversation.

[00:02:20] Number one, don't take it personally. Your four year old screams, I hate you daddy.

[00:02:27] Your ten year old huffs, mom you never understand. Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom.

[00:02:34] What's the most important thing to remember? Don't take it personally. This isn't really about you. It's about them, they're tangled up feelings,

[00:02:44] they're difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.

[00:02:51] When your child yells, you never understand. Try to hear that as information about her. At this moment she feels like she's never understood.

[00:03:00] Rather than about you. Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when we're hurt.

[00:03:07] Either close off or lash out or both. Which just makes the situation less safe and escalates the drama. Your goal is the opposite. Safety and calm.

[00:03:19] That's where connection and learning can happen.

[00:03:22] Number two, manage your own feelings and behavior.

[00:03:26] The only one you can control in this situation is yourself.

[00:03:30] That means you take a breath, let the hurt go, remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment.

[00:03:41] Let the fear go. Remind yourself that while this feels like an emergency, it is not. It's a learning opportunity for your child and for you.

[00:03:50] Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and overreacting.

[00:03:55] Notice if your story is making you upset but she lied to me. And if necessary expand the story to change your emotional response.

[00:04:06] My child was so afraid of my reaction that she lied to me. I guess I need to look at how I respond when she tells me something I don't want to hear.

[00:04:14] And consciously lower and slow your voice before you speak.

[00:04:19] Your goal is to calm the storm, not inflame it.

[00:04:23] Number three, always start the conversation by acknowledging your child's perspective.

[00:04:29] That takes him off the defensive so he can hear you. Let him take off from your comments to correct and elaborate.

[00:04:36] Before you state your own views, reflect his corrections so he knows you understand his point of view.

[00:04:43] Number four, extend respect.

[00:04:46] Remember that more than one perspective can be true at once. Assume your child has a reason for her views or behavior.

[00:04:54] It may not be what you would consider a good reason, but she has a reason.

[00:04:59] If you want to understand her, you'll need to extend her the basic respect of trying to see things from her point of view.

[00:05:06] Say whatever you need to say and then close your mouth and listen.

[00:05:10] Number five, reconnect with your love and empathy for your child.

[00:05:15] You can still set limits, but do it from as calm a place as you can muster.

[00:05:20] Your child will be deeply grateful, even if he can't acknowledge it at the moment.

[00:05:25] I'm not suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully.

[00:05:29] I'm suggesting that you recognize any disrespect as an expression of hurt or fear or frustration.

[00:05:36] Listen to the message underneath the rudeness. Wait until you can act out of love rather than anger before you set limits.

[00:05:43] Number six, keep the conversation safe for everyone.

[00:05:48] People can't hear when they're upset. If they don't feel safe, they generally withdraw or attack.

[00:05:55] If you notice your child getting angry or scared or hurt, back up and reconnect.

[00:06:01] Remind him and yourself how much you love him and that you are committed to finding a solution that works for everyone.

[00:06:08] Number seven, try hard to avoid making your child defensive.

[00:06:13] Use eye statements to describe your feelings. It scares me when you're late and don't call.

[00:06:19] Instead of, you're so irresponsible not to call.

[00:06:23] Describe this situation. This report card is much worse than your previous report cards.

[00:06:29] Instead of, this is a terrible report card. And give information.

[00:06:35] Our neighbor Mrs. Brown says that you were smoking in the backyard.

[00:06:39] Instead of, are you smoking?

[00:06:42] Number eight, ask questions instead of lecturing which is the best way to keep your child receptive.

[00:06:49] Here are two of the most valuable questions you can ask to help your child develop good judgment and make better choices in the future.

[00:06:57] Was there some part of you that knew this was a bad idea? And why didn't you listen to that part of you?

[00:07:05] Number nine, summon your sense of humor.

[00:07:09] A light touch almost magically diffuses tension.

[00:07:13] Number ten, remember that expressing anger just makes you more angry.

[00:07:18] Because it reinforces your position that you are right and the other person is wrong.

[00:07:23] Instead notice your anger and use it as a signal of what needs to change and take constructive action.

[00:07:31] For instance, rather than throwing a tantrum because the kids aren't helping around the house, use your anger as a motivator to implement a new system of chores.

[00:07:40] When they help design, that will help prevent this situation in the future.

[00:07:45] Number eleven, wait until there's been a reconnection before you ask your child to come up with a repair plan.

[00:07:52] For instance, if your child has ruptured the trust between you, he has some repair work to do.

[00:07:58] But he won't be motivated to do that until he sees the cost of his actions.

[00:08:04] First connect, then brainstorm repair with him.

[00:08:07] And number twelve, hold the intention that working through a conflict in a way that meets everyone's needs can actually bring you closer to your child.

[00:08:17] This doesn't happen if we enter the conversation intent on winning.

[00:08:21] But if we approach a difficult discussion with clarity about our true purpose, nurturing this developing human, we create an opening for something new to happen.

[00:08:31] If we're open to really hearing our child's side of things and to meeting our child with love, even while we are clear about the behavior we need to see,

[00:08:40] new possibilities for connection will appear.

[00:08:43] That may seem impossible when everyone is upset, but intimacy deepens or is eroded by every interaction we have.

[00:08:51] Every problem is a chance to shift on to a positive track and deepen your connection to your child.

[00:08:58] Imagine your child many years from now, being asked by his own child what he remembers about you.

[00:09:04] Have the conversation you want him to remember.

[00:09:11] You just listen to the post titled How to Turn Tough Conversations into Learning Opportunities by Dr. Laura Markham of AHA Parenting.com

[00:09:21] And be sure to stick around for my commentary right after this.

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[00:11:52] And thank you very much to Dr. Laura for this highly important guide for parents.

[00:11:57] I enjoy this one because for any parent who takes it seriously, they might find that it forces them to get in touch with their own pain points, which is such a big part of parenting.

[00:12:08] All of the ways in which Dr. Laura talked about us getting triggered, well they often happen because an unresolved area within us has been agitated.

[00:12:18] If we have a hard time tolerating feelings of disrespect, we're more likely to lash out if our children don't listen to us.

[00:12:26] If we've been hurt by lies in the past, the lies of our children might leave us frustrated and wondering who we can trust.

[00:12:34] All the more reason it's important for parents to bring self-awareness to the relationships they have with their children.

[00:12:40] If they don't and they bring the same old traumas that they've always carried with them, the relationships they have with their children and the relationships their children have with themselves are only more apt to being damaged.

[00:12:53] So think about that everyone, please it's an important thing to think about.

[00:12:57] It's time to get going for now though but I really appreciate you being here today and listening to the end.

[00:13:02] And do make sure to come back tomorrow if you like this post because there will be more for the parents in the Friday show.

[00:13:08] That's where your optimal life awaits.