2127: Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love by Evan Marc Katz on How to Choose a Great Partner in Life

[00:00:00] This episode is brought to you by Paramount Plus.

[00:00:04] Ewan McGregor stars as Count Alexander Rostov in A Gentleman in Moscow,

[00:00:09] the new limited series based on the best-selling novel.

[00:00:12] Stream it with the Paramount Plus with Showtime Plan.

[00:00:15] Visit ParamountPlus.com to try it free.

[00:00:30] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2127.

[00:00:57] Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkats.com

[00:01:04] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD for this Saturday show.

[00:01:09] I'm your host Greg Audino, glad to have you here with me once again for another installment.

[00:01:14] And in this one we're going to hear from Evan Mark Katz about how to make sure you're looking for the right things in a partner when searching for love

[00:01:21] and how to make adjustments if doing so is something you struggle with.

[00:01:25] So let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:01:32] Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkats.com

[00:01:40] I have a guy friend who is perpetually single.

[00:01:44] He's got everything going for him.

[00:01:46] Advanced degree, successful, funny, social, ambitious, good values.

[00:01:53] And yet every time I talk with him it's the same old story.

[00:01:57] Another woman just broke his heart.

[00:02:00] When I ask him the details of the latest debacle, it usually comes down to the fact that he's a nice relationship oriented man

[00:02:08] who earnestly follows through and communicates his feelings.

[00:02:12] And she is an aloof woman who tries to consider him as a romantic partner

[00:02:16] but ultimately would rather chase an unattainable jerk.

[00:02:20] It's classic really.

[00:02:22] But when I ask my friend what makes him fall for these emotionally unavailable women

[00:02:27] you know what he tells me?

[00:02:29] I like them because they're smart and they're hot.

[00:02:32] Hmm, got it.

[00:02:34] Objectively wouldn't you tell this man that perhaps smart and hot

[00:02:39] aren't necessarily the best criteria to evaluate a lifetime romantic partner?

[00:02:44] Of course he would.

[00:02:46] I appreciate her inner beauty, her warm smile, her generosity, her sense of humor

[00:02:52] all the things you appreciate about your own girlfriends.

[00:02:55] Yet when you look at your own life and your consistent pining for tall, handsome, brilliant, fascinating men

[00:03:03] you do the exact same thing.

[00:03:05] Worse you defend it in the same way that my friend does.

[00:03:08] I can't help what I'm attracted to.

[00:03:11] You're right, you can't help what you're attracted to

[00:03:14] but you can't acknowledge that the men you're attracted to

[00:03:17] aren't always good long-term relationship partners.

[00:03:20] You can acknowledge that attraction can be blinding

[00:03:23] and allow you to overlook a man's flaws for way too long.

[00:03:27] You can acknowledge that attraction isn't either a 10 or a 1

[00:03:31] that there's usually something in between

[00:03:34] and you can acknowledge that for my guy friend

[00:03:37] his addiction to smart, hot, aloof and inaccessible women

[00:03:41] isn't really working for him.

[00:03:43] By the way, I'm not telling you anything that I haven't considered in my own life.

[00:03:47] As a man who's been married for 3 years

[00:03:50] I finally started to get into a rhythm with my wife.

[00:03:52] We've got a house, we've got a kid,

[00:03:55] we both work from home and spend a lot of time together

[00:03:58] and unless something changes

[00:04:00] you know what we spend most of our time doing?

[00:04:03] Working.

[00:04:04] When we're not working, you know what we do?

[00:04:07] We figure out how we're going to decorate the house.

[00:04:09] We plan weekends out of town to visit family

[00:04:12] we throw dinner parties, karaoke parties and wine tastings

[00:04:16] we go food shopping and make chopped salads with beets

[00:04:20] we watch Castle and as many minutes of dancing with the stars as I can tolerate

[00:04:24] we retreat to our offices where she watches funny YouTube videos

[00:04:28] and I obsessively manage my fantasy football team

[00:04:32] we go upstairs, wash our faces, talk about our days

[00:04:36] tell each other we love each other

[00:04:38] and snuggle before drifting off to sleep

[00:04:40] it is a wonderful life

[00:04:43] you know how much time we spend being intimate?

[00:04:46] couple of hours a week

[00:04:48] you know how much time we spend talking about string theory

[00:04:51] or proust or what happens to us when we die?

[00:04:54] a lot less

[00:04:56] so if 95% of your life is spent on matters that are neither brainy nor sexy

[00:05:02] wouldn't it make sense to find a partner who is compatible in all those other areas

[00:05:07] rather than finding the smartest, hottest guy imaginable

[00:05:11] who doesn't want to throw dinner parties

[00:05:13] doesn't want to see your mother

[00:05:15] doesn't want to let you choose the furniture you want

[00:05:17] and doesn't want to raise a family together?

[00:05:20] I think so

[00:05:22] naturally you have to find your partner attractive and intelligent

[00:05:25] but you doesn't have to be that attractive

[00:05:28] or that intelligent to have a very happy life together

[00:05:32] as a dating coach for eight years

[00:05:34] I have long advocated for putting compatibility on the same level as chemistry

[00:05:39] instead of making chemistry the most important factor in your decision making

[00:05:43] because as you know

[00:05:45] you can get the smartest, hottest, tallest, richest guy in the world

[00:05:49] and you'll most likely discover that he's a selfish narcissist

[00:05:52] who's just not that into you

[00:05:55] thus there is wisdom in compromising a little on looks and brains

[00:05:59] in order to find the happiness that has eluded you

[00:06:02] when you exalt attraction above all

[00:06:05] believe me I did not settle

[00:06:08] neither should you

[00:06:10] just consider the relative importance of a chiseled jawline and a master's degree

[00:06:15] versus the ability to love you unconditionally

[00:06:18] and the desire to make you happy

[00:06:20] I think it's clear what should win out

[00:06:24] you just listened to the post titled

[00:06:27] Why Chasing Attraction is a Losing Strategy in Love

[00:06:31] by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkats.com

[00:06:34] and I'll be back with my commentary right after this

[00:06:37] picture a wardrobe upgrade with quality essentials at an unbeatable price

[00:06:41] Quince has you covered with timeless pieces that never go out of style

[00:06:45] you'll have them in your closet forever

[00:06:47] Quince has all the must haves like Mongolian cashmere crew next sweater

[00:06:51] like Mongolian cashmere crew next sweaters from $50

[00:06:54] iconic 100% leather jackets

[00:06:57] and versatile flow knit active wear

[00:07:00] and all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands

[00:07:04] that's because by partnering directly with top factories

[00:07:07] Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman

[00:07:10] and passes the savings on to us

[00:07:12] and most importantly Quince only works with factories

[00:07:15] that use safe ethical and responsible manufacturing practices

[00:07:19] along with premium fabrics and finishes

[00:07:21] and as for me I love Quince's versatility too

[00:07:24] they have great home items as well as clothes

[00:07:27] and I've been really happy with the bedding that I bought from them

[00:07:30] when you look at it and you feel the material

[00:07:32] you can tell easily that it's of high quality

[00:07:34] so indulge in affordable luxury

[00:07:37] go to quince.com slash ord

[00:07:40] for free shipping on your order

[00:07:42] and 365 day returns

[00:07:44] that's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash ord

[00:07:50] to get free shipping and 365 day returns

[00:07:54] quince.com slash ord

[00:07:58] and thank you so much to Evan for this post

[00:08:00] definitely a reality check

[00:08:02] and very grounding for a lot of people I'm sure

[00:08:05] I love his take about finding balance and making compromises

[00:08:08] now this is one thing I think we need to do in every area of life

[00:08:12] and it is certainly not something we are incapable of

[00:08:15] no matter how strong we feel that our urges are in one direction or another

[00:08:19] in fact if you can speak so openly about having preferences

[00:08:22] that really steer the ship of your decision making

[00:08:25] it can be even more imperative to find the balance of honoring that feeling

[00:08:29] while still adjusting your behavior to make compromises accordingly

[00:08:33] one thing I like to keep in mind and encourage others to do

[00:08:36] is the idea of having negotiables versus non-negotiables

[00:08:40] so really list out all of what you are looking for

[00:08:44] in a partner or a job, a place to live or whatever

[00:08:48] and then force yourself to decide on which you are willing to flex on

[00:08:52] versus which are actual necessities for you

[00:08:55] and surely the more necessities or non-negotiables you have

[00:09:00] the more difficult it might be to find what you want

[00:09:03] and it is up to you to decide on where the line is for you

[00:09:06] between your principles and your results

[00:09:09] so think about that friends, again it applies to many different areas of life

[00:09:14] that's going to do it for another episode though

[00:09:16] I thank you for joining and for doing right by your relationships today

[00:09:19] enjoy your Saturday and be sure to join us again tomorrow

[00:09:22] where your optimal life awaits