2129: Why Dirty Dishes Are the Biggest Threat to Your Marriage by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on The Narrative of Ordinary Family Life

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[00:00:11] The first Omen.

[00:00:12] I believe the girl is to be the mother.

[00:00:15] Mother of the one.

[00:00:16] It's the most terrifying 666, it's a matter of the devil.

[00:00:21] Movie of the year.

[00:00:22] Real, real, real, what's the real?

[00:00:24] Who said that?

[00:00:25] The first Omen.

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[00:00:55] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2129.

[00:01:00] Why Dirty Dishes Are The Biggest Threat To Your Marriage by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:08] Hello everybody and thank you so much for joining ORD once again with me, your host

[00:01:13] and narrator Greg Audino.

[00:01:15] It's wonderful to have you here for another Sunday show.

[00:01:18] I always appreciate you all tuning in on the weekend.

[00:01:20] So with that said, let's dive right into this very important and I would say widely

[00:01:24] applicable piece courtesy of Dr. Kelly Flanagan as we optimize your life.

[00:01:34] Why Dirty Dishes Are The Biggest Threat To Your Marriage by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:42] Dirty Dishes have killed more marriages than extramarital affairs ever did because

[00:01:47] they're boring, repetitive and monotonous and we have no idea what to do with boring.

[00:01:54] If we want our marriages to survive, we must find a way to reclaim the extraordinary lying

[00:02:00] just beneath the surface of our monotony.

[00:02:03] My boys and I are playing zombie apocalypse and my three year old daughter is looking on

[00:02:08] with big expectant eyes.

[00:02:10] I ask her to join us.

[00:02:12] Caitlin, do you want to be a zombie?

[00:02:15] Yes, she replies.

[00:02:17] A princess zombie.

[00:02:18] I try again.

[00:02:20] Caitlin, do you want to be a soldier instead?

[00:02:24] And again she replies.

[00:02:26] Yes, a princess soldier.

[00:02:29] I get the point and so we play zombies and princesses all at once.

[00:02:35] My boys love war stories and my daughter loves princess stories.

[00:02:39] What do they both have in common?

[00:02:42] Storybook endings.

[00:02:44] The storybook deception.

[00:02:46] In the final scenes of any good story there is triumph and ecstasy and satisfaction

[00:02:52] conquering heroes vanquished the zombies and princesses ride off into the sunset with prince charming.

[00:02:59] We are drawn to stories with blissfully happy endings.

[00:03:03] The only problem is our lives don't work that way, do they?

[00:03:07] Our stories don't end at the penultimate scene.

[00:03:11] My family attended a beautiful wedding last weekend, two days full of joy and celebration

[00:03:16] and hope for this blooming romance.

[00:03:18] But then we had to get into the car for the six hour ride home and unpack and do the dishes

[00:03:25] and the laundry and herd crabby overtired children into bed.

[00:03:30] Again, I want to see the Disney princess movie that depicts life after Flynn Rider marries Rapunzel.

[00:03:37] I want to see them trying to share a sink in the castle while the kids bang at the bathroom door.

[00:03:42] I want to see them picking up the horse's poop for the umpteenth time so the neighbors don't get upset.

[00:03:47] I want to see Rapunzel clipping her toenails and having to sit on the can.

[00:03:52] I want to see Flynn wake up the day after the honeymoon to return to his day job ruling a kingdom.

[00:03:57] I want to see them arguing about whose job it is to fold the laundry if the other one ran it through the wash.

[00:04:03] Can you imagine how much laundry there is with all those big puffy dresses?

[00:04:07] But I'll never see that movie because in a culture of smartphones and instant entertainment

[00:04:13] we believe all of life should be thrilling and we avoid boredom like the plague.

[00:04:19] With Facebook over morning coffee and email at stoplights and YouTube videos filling the nooks and crannies of life

[00:04:26] and on demand television at night and iPad flicking until the eyelids droop.

[00:04:32] And in doing so, we leave ourselves completely unprepared for the repetitive monotony

[00:04:37] of one of the most important endeavors of our lives, marriage and family building.

[00:04:43] I know I write a lot about conflict and anger and shame, but the truth is

[00:04:49] boredom is just as corrosive to our marriages.

[00:04:53] We must learn to live our boredom well or we will search for excitement elsewhere

[00:04:58] maybe even in the arms of another person.

[00:05:01] A Marriage Lesson from a Photographer

[00:05:04] A photographer recently told me the story of his photo shoot at a local forest preserve

[00:05:10] while other photographers and pedestrians hustled around him in the gathering dusk

[00:05:14] hunting for increasingly beautiful shots in the withering light.

[00:05:18] He sat and watched and waited

[00:05:22] because he knew beauty would be found not in the quantity of trees photographed.

[00:05:27] He knew beauty would be found in nuance, the infinite array of hue as the light changed angles

[00:05:33] minute to minute and the slowly morphing shapes of shadows come alive.

[00:05:39] He faced the boredom of attending to one seemingly uninteresting event

[00:05:44] and just beneath the surface of monotony he discovered extraordinary beauty and wonder.

[00:05:50] The pictures were breathtaking.

[00:05:53] I think the same could be true for our marriages.

[00:05:56] If we want to discover breathtakingly beautiful love and sacrificial living

[00:06:01] we will need to learn how to stay in our boredom long enough to unearth the riches buried

[00:06:06] just beneath the surface of our monotony.

[00:06:10] Ordinary Stitches in a Beautiful Tapestry

[00:06:13] Could the boring repetitive tasks of marriage and family life

[00:06:17] dishes, laundry, ironing, vacuuming, picking up clutter, chauffeuring

[00:06:24] be the birthplace of joy and wonder?

[00:06:27] I think they are because they are the stitches in the complicated beautiful

[00:06:32] gloriously messy tapestry of life.

[00:06:36] They are the strands that hold it all together.

[00:06:39] If we have lived well when we step back in the end and look at the beautiful stories

[00:06:43] of love and loss and joy and sacrifice we have woven with our lives

[00:06:49] others will not notice these mundane stitches, this thread that keeps all the beauty together.

[00:06:56] But without them the beauty we created would be impossible.

[00:07:00] If we can behold the boredom in this way I think we'll find gratitude

[00:07:05] welling up like a geyser.

[00:07:07] Not heave a sigh I probably shouldn't complain other people have it worse gratitude

[00:07:13] but real overwhelming bursting with joy gratitude.

[00:07:18] Gratitude that this now dirty bowl will tomorrow be the place of my child's sustenance.

[00:07:25] He will tip it up to his mouth when the Cheerios are done and gleefully drink down all that sweet leftover

[00:07:31] while we say a benediction for the day and the girl with the curls babbles and the boy with the insights expounds.

[00:07:38] Gratitude that love is just a word but a clean bowl is love and sacrifice in action.

[00:07:46] Grateful for this one opportunity to provide respite for a war weary spouse

[00:07:51] and in the end what will we desire more?

[00:07:55] That we had done less dirty dishes or that we had done more love and sacrifice?

[00:08:00] Gratitude for the stitches that hold up the glorious tapestry and our gratitude will be the spade

[00:08:07] unearthing the moment to moment wonder beneath the surface of the boring

[00:08:12] the slick soap on hands and warm water rinsing food clean

[00:08:16] and the shimmer of light on bubbles and that favorite song playing in the background

[00:08:21] and kids screaming and pummeling each other in the bedroom

[00:08:25] and a spouse who wanders in and begins to lend a quiet hand.

[00:08:29] With your choices you can weave something beautiful with your life

[00:08:34] but every tapestry requires stitches boring repetitive stitches

[00:08:39] may you be deeply joyfully grateful for yours.

[00:08:47] You just listened to the post titled

[00:08:49] Why Dirty Dishes Are The Biggest Threat To Your Marriage

[00:08:53] by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com

[00:08:57] and be sure to stick around for my comments right after this.

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[00:10:21] post it's definitely a great one for anyone in a relationship to check in

[00:10:25] with I think that what he's talking about today is

[00:10:29] really applicable to each and every healthy relationship at some point in

[00:10:32] time and this is not a bad thing

[00:10:35] rather it's an opportunity to reframe the value of your relationship

[00:10:39] should you be struggling with the monotony

[00:10:41] and I think this can be done internally or externally or both

[00:10:45] you know internally it can help to remember that without the monotony

[00:10:49] that comes with time you wouldn't have a lifelong commitment

[00:10:53] some repetition within your day-to-day schedule is a very small price to pay

[00:10:57] for someone who has devoted their life to you

[00:11:00] it simply comes with the territory or externally

[00:11:04] action to take from this article could be based around that special

[00:11:08] something that you share with your partner that makes for a fun way of

[00:11:11] spending your time regular travel might be a good example

[00:11:15] my girlfriend and I were always revitalized even by weekend trips

[00:11:18] and it's just such a nice way to breathe new life into us

[00:11:21] if we've had a difficult week or if we felt stagnant or

[00:11:25] what have you or it might be something grander might be starting a business

[00:11:29] with your partner pursuing a certain goal together

[00:11:32] etc it's really important to consider and

[00:11:35] lean on the things that make your bond special

[00:11:39] and doing so can absolutely help with feelings of boredom

[00:11:42] they're usually there because that uniqueness that spark of the bond

[00:11:46] of that bond that you have has gone unattended to for a little while

[00:11:50] but with that we've reached the end for today everybody

[00:11:53] thank you as always for being here and considering what you've heard in this

[00:11:56] post I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did

[00:11:59] I hope you apply it and do be sure to tune in again tomorrow

[00:12:02] where your optimal life awaits