2131: [Part 1] Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum by Sara Stanizai of Prospect Therapy on Personal Limits

[00:00:00] This episode is brought to you by Shopify.

[00:00:03] Whether you're selling a little or a lot,

[00:00:06] Shopify helps you do your thing, however you chitching.

[00:00:10] From the launch your online shop stage,

[00:00:12] all the way to the, we just hit a million orders, stage.

[00:00:16] No matter what stage you're in,

[00:00:18] Shopify's there to help you grow.

[00:00:20] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period

[00:00:22] at Shopify.com slash Special Offer,

[00:00:24] all lowercase.

[00:00:26] That's Shopify.com slash Special Offer.

[00:00:30] This episode is brought to you by Bumble.

[00:00:32] So, you want to find someone you're compatible with,

[00:00:35] specifically someone who's ready for a series connection,

[00:00:38] totally open to having kids in the future,

[00:00:40] is a tall, raw-climbing Libra,

[00:00:43] and loves rom-coms with vegan pizzas on Tuesdays

[00:00:46] just as much as you do.

[00:00:48] Bumble knows that you know exactly what's right for you.

[00:00:51] So whatever it is you're looking for,

[00:00:53] Bumble's features can help you find it.

[00:00:55] Date now on Bumble.

[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily,

[00:01:00] episode 2131,

[00:01:02] Setting Boundaries versus Giving an Ultimatum.

[00:01:05] Part one by Sarah Stanetsai of prospecttherapy.com.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody and welcome to ORD.

[00:01:13] I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino,

[00:01:16] and here is where I provide you with some of the best

[00:01:18] relationship building content around.

[00:01:20] The show is mostly narrations

[00:01:22] and sometimes I also answer your own personal

[00:01:24] relationship questions that you send in,

[00:01:26] which you can do by emailing advice at oldpodcast.com.

[00:01:31] But today we will be hearing a post from Sarah Stanetsai

[00:01:34] of prospecttherapy.

[00:01:36] They are out of Long Beach, California,

[00:01:38] and Sarah's post here covers when to set boundaries

[00:01:41] versus when to give an ultimatum.

[00:01:43] There is definitely a tipping point

[00:01:45] and over the next two days we will learn about it.

[00:01:47] This is a long article so part one will be today

[00:01:50] and I will finish it in tomorrow's episode.

[00:01:52] So with that let's dive right into part one

[00:01:55] and optimize your life.

[00:02:00] Setting Boundaries versus Giving an Ultimatum.

[00:02:03] Part one by Sarah Stanetsai of prospecttherapy.com.

[00:02:09] Any person invested in their own growth

[00:02:11] will eventually question,

[00:02:13] how do I know when I'm asking for too much?

[00:02:16] Am I being fair?

[00:02:17] Am I going overboard with my boundaries

[00:02:19] now that I finally learned how helpful they can be?

[00:02:22] If you're uncomfortable speaking up for yourself,

[00:02:25] most of your personal work with or without therapy

[00:02:28] has probably been learning how to set boundaries.

[00:02:31] When it comes to setting and carrying out boundaries

[00:02:34] we want to push ourselves to grow and improve.

[00:02:37] But we also want to be accountable.

[00:02:40] This can feel like a circus act sometimes.

[00:02:42] So where is the balance between asking and demanding?

[00:02:47] What are boundaries?

[00:02:49] We've written before about how to set boundaries

[00:02:51] if you want to take a deep dive into setting them for yourself.

[00:02:54] But for a short recap,

[00:02:56] a boundary is another word for a limit.

[00:02:59] This can sound something like

[00:03:01] I don't need to control everything.

[00:03:03] I just need to figure out my limit

[00:03:05] and then say something about it.

[00:03:07] They may feel like a set of rules

[00:03:09] you're setting for other people

[00:03:11] but in actuality there are limits

[00:03:13] you're setting for yourself.

[00:03:15] We're not aligned between those two categories

[00:03:17] which definitely takes some self-awareness to figure out.

[00:03:20] Sometimes we think we struggle with a certain environment

[00:03:23] but really it's only a few qualities of that environment

[00:03:26] we can't stand.

[00:03:28] The best way to think about it without feeling guilty

[00:03:30] is by saying,

[00:03:32] the boundary isn't about the other person

[00:03:34] it's about me.

[00:03:36] As we grow and gain new experiences

[00:03:38] we also begin to learn what behaviors

[00:03:40] from the people around us that we tolerate

[00:03:42] and those we don't.

[00:03:44] When we enter new relationships

[00:03:46] as we create healthy lines of communication

[00:03:48] we express our expectations.

[00:03:50] Essentially, we set boundaries.

[00:03:52] However, what happens

[00:03:54] when the other person doesn't respect these boundaries?

[00:03:57] When your limits are being questioned or pushed

[00:04:00] it can lead you to spiral down

[00:04:02] a variety of explanations in your head.

[00:04:04] This can manifest in people

[00:04:06] questioning themselves

[00:04:08] maybe I wasn't clear enough

[00:04:10] making excuses or giving rationalizations

[00:04:12] maybe they were having a bad day

[00:04:14] or internalizing the shortcomings

[00:04:16] of the other person

[00:04:18] maybe I was asking for too much.

[00:04:20] All of these options could be true

[00:04:22] for the other person.

[00:04:24] We can always account for other visible

[00:04:26] or invisible factors at the time.

[00:04:28] It's also so incredibly important

[00:04:30] to understand that other people may have

[00:04:32] their own boundaries and limitations

[00:04:34] on what they can offer us.

[00:04:36] However, you always have the choice

[00:04:38] to decide if the situation is something

[00:04:40] you can or cannot accept

[00:04:42] in that moment.

[00:04:44] Boundaries help keep you in check

[00:04:46] When you set a boundary in a relationship

[00:04:48] you're not just setting it for another person.

[00:04:50] The boundary is really a limit around you.

[00:04:52] Setting your personal limits

[00:04:54] will both protect you and hold you accountable.

[00:04:56] Boundaries are meant to help

[00:04:58] keep you responsible for your behavior.

[00:05:00] But, when you set them

[00:05:02] you hope that others will respect that.

[00:05:04] For example, if you have

[00:05:06] an emotional trauma that is triggering

[00:05:08] to discuss, you may ask your loved ones

[00:05:10] to refrain from bringing up sensitive topics.

[00:05:12] If you've struggled with addiction

[00:05:14] you may inform your new partner

[00:05:16] that you don't want to drink, smoke

[00:05:18] or use narcotics and ask

[00:05:20] that they respect those limitations.

[00:05:22] We all have free choices to make

[00:05:24] even within oppressive systems.

[00:05:26] So, we hope that others will respect

[00:05:28] our limits, but we can't compel them to.

[00:05:30] If they don't

[00:05:32] then it's important to follow through

[00:05:34] and show consequences as a result.

[00:05:36] Boundaries within reason

[00:05:38] are a great way to set standards

[00:05:40] in your relationships

[00:05:42] and keep yourself accountable

[00:05:44] for your behaviors too.

[00:05:46] So, how do you set boundaries?

[00:05:48] When you want to set boundaries

[00:05:50] in your relationships

[00:05:52] you need to consider a few different things

[00:05:54] based on your experiences.

[00:05:56] First, think about your core values

[00:05:58] and beliefs.

[00:06:00] Leaning into what truly matters

[00:06:02] to you as a person will give you

[00:06:04] all be all motivators that will guide you along the way.

[00:06:07] Next, consider past issues

[00:06:09] that have cropped up in other situations

[00:06:11] or relationships.

[00:06:13] What behaviors in both romantic relationships

[00:06:15] and friendships raised red flags?

[00:06:18] And make sure you check back on your past behaviors

[00:06:21] asking how you could have behaved better

[00:06:23] in these relationships.

[00:06:25] Remember, boundaries are not only about

[00:06:27] other people's behavior

[00:06:29] but they're about keeping your behaviors

[00:06:31] in check too. When you're setting

[00:06:33] boundaries, keep in mind that you are also

[00:06:35] asking them to hold you accountable for your actions.

[00:06:38] Sometimes boundaries are more complicated

[00:06:40] than a list of dos and don'ts however.

[00:06:42] Good boundaries are firm but flexible.

[00:06:45] It may seem counterintuitive

[00:06:47] to have flexible limits

[00:06:49] but the flexible part comes into play

[00:06:51] with time in individual situations

[00:06:53] or with certain people.

[00:06:55] Perhaps you don't like talking about

[00:06:57] your love life with your family.

[00:06:59] This can be a great example of a firm

[00:07:01] but flexible boundary.

[00:07:03] So, how would it be flexible?

[00:07:05] Let's dive into an example situation

[00:07:07] to be continued.

[00:07:13] You just listened to part one of the post titled

[00:07:16] Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum

[00:07:19] by Sarah Stanisci of Prospecttherapy.com

[00:07:22] Picture a wardrobe upgrade

[00:07:24] with quality essentials at an unbeatable price.

[00:07:27] Quince has you covered with timeless pieces

[00:07:29] that never go out of style.

[00:07:31] You'll have them in your closet forever.

[00:07:33] Quince has all the must haves

[00:07:35] like Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweaters

[00:07:37] from $50, iconic 100% leather jackets

[00:07:40] and versatile flow knit active wear.

[00:07:43] And all Quince items are priced

[00:07:45] 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

[00:07:48] That's because by partnering directly

[00:07:50] with top factories, Quince cuts out

[00:07:52] the cost of the middleman

[00:07:54] and passes the savings on to us.

[00:07:56] And most importantly, Quince only works

[00:07:58] with factories that use safe, ethical

[00:08:00] and responsible manufacturing practices

[00:08:02] along with premium fabrics and finishes.

[00:08:05] And as for me, I love Quince's versatility too.

[00:08:08] They have great home items as well as clothes

[00:08:10] and I've been really happy with the bedding

[00:08:12] that I bought from them.

[00:08:14] When you look at it and you feel the material

[00:08:16] you can tell easily that it's of high quality.

[00:08:18] So, indulge in affordable luxury.

[00:08:20] Go to quince.com

[00:08:22] slash ORD for free shipping on your order

[00:08:25] and 365 day returns.

[00:08:28] That's Q-U-I-N-C-E

[00:08:31] dot com slash ORD

[00:08:34] to get free shipping and 365 day returns.

[00:08:37] Quince.com slash ORD

[00:08:55] All right, and thank you to Sarah for a great start to this article.

[00:09:15] Boundaries are absolutely critical

[00:09:17] in all the relationships we have.

[00:09:19] So, the more we can be clear on what they are,

[00:09:22] the better.

[00:09:24] And part of fully understanding them

[00:09:26] means knowing how they compare to giving ultimatums,

[00:09:29] which is something that Sarah goes on to explore in Part 2.

[00:09:32] And again, you'll be hearing that tomorrow.

[00:09:34] So, I'll keep this outro short

[00:09:36] and leave more commentary for after we finish tomorrow.

[00:09:39] But for now, in the meantime, think about what you've heard today.

[00:09:42] Maybe reflect on what boundaries, if any,

[00:09:45] you want to start setting or maybe get back to setting.

[00:09:48] As time passes and relationships

[00:09:50] and life experiences change,

[00:09:52] we can often lose track of the boundaries we want to maintain.

[00:09:55] So, again, think about what that means for you

[00:09:58] and you get excited for the continuation of this post tomorrow.

[00:10:01] That's where your optimal life awaits.