2132: [Part 2] Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum by Sara Stanizai of Prospect Therapy on Healthier Interactions & Growth

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[00:00:56] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2132,

[00:01:03] Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum, part two, by Sarah Stanetsai of Prospecttherapy.com.

[00:01:11] Hello everybody and welcome back for part two of the post we began yesterday from Sarah Stanetsai.

[00:01:17] I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino, and I think you're really going to like how this

[00:01:21] post finishes up as we talk more about the ultimatum side in this part of the article.

[00:01:26] So go ahead and listen to part one now if you haven't done so, but if you're ready,

[00:01:30] we're going to dive right into part two and continue optimizing your life.

[00:01:38] Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum, part two, by Sarah Stanetsai of Prospecttherapy.com.

[00:01:45] So how would a boundary be flexible? Let's dive into an example situation.

[00:01:52] Perhaps you're in a homosexual relationship and it hasn't always gone over well with your family,

[00:01:57] so you've made it clear to them that you don't like talking about your love life.

[00:02:01] They think it's perfectly reasonable to ask about your partner,

[00:02:04] but it feels like every time they do, they end up making phobic comments and jokes that

[00:02:09] aren't funny. Your first response might be, don't bring this up ever. They've probably

[00:02:14] hurt you with things said in the past, so it's entirely understandable that this is a sensitive

[00:02:19] topic. But this can become a flexible boundary when it's phrased, if you don't have something nice

[00:02:25] to say about my partner, please don't bring it up. As long as they generally respect that,

[00:02:31] there is more room for forgiveness since anyone can make a mistake. Here are a few ways

[00:02:36] this flexibility can play out. You can be flexible when they ask by accident at a family

[00:02:42] gathering once in a while. Instead of exploding on them for bringing it up, you can brush it off

[00:02:47] and change the subject. If it doesn't happen all the time, it may be more awkward to not acknowledge

[00:02:53] your relationship than to simply acknowledge your relationship and move on. You can be flexible if

[00:02:59] they only bring up your love life around you respectfully and private. In this closer

[00:03:04] conversation, you can have more control over the direction it takes. There's a much higher

[00:03:09] chance the conversation will go fine. Although you don't like the topic, you can get out of

[00:03:14] there without any negative sentiment. You can be flexible if they're asking about your relationship

[00:03:20] in general. This can be questions not specifically about your partner, such as does your partner

[00:03:26] like your new apartment? It's not that you don't want them acknowledging your relationship at all,

[00:03:31] just that you don't like certain topics, questions or jokes. This can make it much

[00:03:35] easier to stay within boundaries without freezing them out. There's much more flexibility than we

[00:03:41] realize when it comes to boundaries, especially in complicated relationships or dynamics.

[00:03:46] There are so many ways it can be customized for your unique situation. Maybe it's in how often

[00:03:52] you choose to allow this flexibility. I can't be flexible all the time, but once in a while is

[00:03:57] okay. Or perhaps the flexibility is only in certain situations. It's okay if the situation

[00:04:04] is in private, but not at work. And maybe the flexibility is only to a certain degree. I don't

[00:04:10] mind if you ask, but don't get too into my business. How you follow through on this is key. You may

[00:04:17] express your concerns and give them time to adapt, which may eventually lead to setting an ultimatum.

[00:04:23] When should I set an ultimatum? An ultimatum is a consequence for when a boundary is not

[00:04:28] respected. These can be trickier than boundaries because ultimatums focus more on someone else's

[00:04:34] behavior instead of your own. When you've made your boundaries clear in a situation or relationship,

[00:04:40] and someone is consistently disregarding them, it may be worth it to consider setting an ultimatum.

[00:04:46] For example, let's say you told your new partner that you don't drink. You don't want to feel

[00:04:51] pressure to drink, so you'd be more comfortable if they didn't drink around you. However,

[00:04:56] instead of respecting your boundary, your partner continuously drinks around you and encourages

[00:05:01] you to do the same. At this point, you may tell your partner that they need to stop this behavior,

[00:05:07] or your relationship will not continue. This is an ultimatum. It's not really fair to either

[00:05:13] of you if your starting point is the ultimatum. But unfortunately, that's often the first

[00:05:18] time people may notice you're setting a boundary. So this can lead to the other person thinking

[00:05:23] you're starting at the ultimatum, when in fact, you've tried to assert limits multiple times.

[00:05:29] It can be really easy to get flustered when you're holding true to boundaries or making ultimatums.

[00:05:35] This can be especially difficult if you're a people pleaser, have anxiety,

[00:05:39] or feel particularly vulnerable around a certain topic. But keeping in mind the specific

[00:05:44] times you've tried to set a limit can help reinforce your side of the story. For example,

[00:05:50] maybe you have fallen into the role of nagging partner and start to believe it is the only thing

[00:05:55] you've ever been. However, having examples of times you are not nagging will recalibrate the narrative.

[00:06:02] This can be expressed by saying something like, I know you think I'm the squeaky nagging wheel,

[00:06:08] but that hasn't been the case in a long time. It used to be like that,

[00:06:12] but in the past few months, here are examples of times I didn't do that.

[00:06:16] This can set you up for making an ultimatum if it's come to that.

[00:06:20] Deciding to Set an Ultimatum

[00:06:23] Ultimatums are typically a last resort, but it is important to value your boundaries and limits.

[00:06:29] If you make ultimatums and don't stick to them, it will only harm you in the long run.

[00:06:33] If your partner or friend constantly ignores your boundaries,

[00:06:37] you may want to consider ending the relationship. If their behavior has a negative or

[00:06:41] unhealthy impact on your life, you should explain this to them and work to move on.

[00:06:47] It's not easy ending relationships, but sometimes it is truly for the best.

[00:06:52] If you do want to attempt to make the relationship work, or you have attempted to repeatedly make

[00:06:57] your boundaries clear to no avail, then you may have to resort to setting an ultimatum.

[00:07:02] Relationships are complex, and navigating them can be difficult. But most importantly,

[00:07:08] remember that you are the one in charge of your life. While you can expect certain behaviors of

[00:07:13] others, you also need to expect the same standards from yourself. You deserve that.

[00:07:18] Healthy and mutual boundaries can work exceptionally well if you remember to

[00:07:23] be transparent with your friends, partners, and family members,

[00:07:26] set boundaries and allow them to establish theirs, and hold each other accountable for your actions.

[00:07:32] If you are struggling with boundaries or ultimatums, remember that you can always

[00:07:37] seek professional help. You don't have to struggle through this difficult emotional work alone.

[00:07:42] A therapist can help you understand when to set boundaries better and how they can

[00:07:46] benefit your relationships. They can also help you determine if and when you should set ultimatums.

[00:07:52] Ultimately, your happiness is at stake, and you deserve that fully.

[00:08:01] You just listened to part two of the post titled, Setting Boundaries Versus Giving an

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[00:09:56] April 14th on max subscription required. And thank you so much to Sarah. Great ending to this

[00:10:03] boast. I absolutely love all the space she takes to explore exceptions to the rule

[00:10:10] or how boundaries can be flexed on. It's so important to take this gray area into consideration,

[00:10:16] as there will be nuances no matter what. And when both parties in the relationship are expressing

[00:10:22] and respecting them, it's essential to the communicative process. The other side of

[00:10:27] this would be belittling your partner and saying that they don't set strong boundaries if there

[00:10:32] are all these conditions. But that's black and white thinking, and it doesn't do much good.

[00:10:37] Because changes inevitably happen, including boundary changes. And we can see them occur

[00:10:43] gradually and not be shocked by them when we stay open like this. This is exactly how

[00:10:48] partners grow together. You know, you might get to a point when you both realize that

[00:10:53] where there was once one condition, there are now 10. And watching this occur together

[00:10:58] gives both partners a chance to see how maybe the person setting the boundary is changing.

[00:11:03] And therefore, the boundary itself is as well. Partners can welcome in new errors to the

[00:11:09] relationship and not have to hide parts of themselves behind a boundary or feel shame for

[00:11:14] growing and wanting to adjust their boundary. So that is it for this one everybody.

[00:11:20] Thanks a lot for being here through both parts one and two. I really liked this post and I

[00:11:24] think it was very important. Take it with you and see how it exists in your own relationships.

[00:11:29] And of course, come back tomorrow for another episode from us here at ORD.

[00:11:32] I'll be back to read for you in that one and I hope to see you there where your optimal life awaits.