2134: Do’s, Don’ts & Expectations in Parenting Young Adults by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of Parents Letting Go on Myth of Control

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2134.

[00:01:05] Do's, Don'ts and Expectations in Parenting Young Adults

[00:01:10] by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of ParentsLettingGo.com

[00:01:14] Hello everybody and welcome to O-R-D.

[00:01:18] My name is Greg Audino. I'm your host and narrator.

[00:01:21] And if you're new here, what we do is read articles for you every day,

[00:01:24] articles covering relationship building.

[00:01:27] And on Thursdays and Fridays, the articles pertain to parenting specifically.

[00:01:31] So with that, let's turn it over to the writing of parenting expert Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss

[00:01:36] and his thoughts on Parenting Young Adults as we optimize your life.

[00:01:44] Do's, Don'ts and Expectations in Parenting Young Adults

[00:01:49] by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of ParentsLettingGo.com

[00:01:53] One request I make of parents of young adults who come to see me in my private practice

[00:01:58] is to construct a list of actions they will do and won't do

[00:02:02] as well as specific expectations they have of their young adults.

[00:02:06] One of the biggest challenges parents have

[00:02:09] is deciding when to support their young adult and when to let go.

[00:02:13] Actions that say, we love you and you matter,

[00:02:16] but we also believe you can move forward into adulthood.

[00:02:20] How do we combine love and backbone in our approach to our young adults?

[00:02:25] Four ways to demonstrate love and backbone.

[00:02:29] First, parents need to face the limitations they have

[00:02:33] in controlling or even influencing their young adults.

[00:02:36] There are several false assumptions or beliefs that set parents up for failure.

[00:02:41] I can control my young adult and their decisions and behavior.

[00:02:45] I am responsible for my young adult's decisions and behavior

[00:02:49] and I will explain and therefore excuse my behavior

[00:02:53] or my young adults based on our history.

[00:02:56] Consciously or unconsciously,

[00:02:58] we still believe that we can get them to do what we want them to do

[00:03:02] even though they're adults by society standard.

[00:03:05] When they don't land on the straight and narrow path,

[00:03:08] however we define that,

[00:03:10] we beat ourselves up and feel like a failure as a parent.

[00:03:14] Furthermore, we tend to excuse irresponsible behavior

[00:03:17] because of something they or we did in the past, i.e. a divorce.

[00:03:22] Consider that our problem may lie more with holding on to these three assumptions

[00:03:27] than the actions of our young adults.

[00:03:29] So challenge this stinking thinking every time it creeps into your psyche.

[00:03:34] Second, parents need to construct what they will and will not do

[00:03:38] for the young adult with three questions in mind.

[00:03:41] Are my actions and decisions motivated by love or hurt,

[00:03:45] anger, frustration and guilt?

[00:03:48] Are my actions and decisions motivated by love or hurt, anger, frustration and guilt?

[00:03:55] Are my actions and decisions aligned with my beliefs and values?

[00:03:59] And are my actions and decisions likely to foster greater independence

[00:04:04] and self-sufficiency in my young adult or greater dependency?

[00:04:08] Third, we need to be clear with our young adults about our expectations of them

[00:04:13] so they know and understand these.

[00:04:16] But understand this is an area that we can't control

[00:04:19] and they may have to face the consequences of their actions

[00:04:22] which may involve moving out of the home

[00:04:25] or the reduction of supportive resources.

[00:04:28] Fourth, we need to evaluate the effectiveness of our approach

[00:04:32] based on our adherence to the criteria we've talked about

[00:04:35] and not on how receptive the young adult is to our approach.

[00:04:39] This is what I call doing your own report card.

[00:04:43] The Source of Unhappiness

[00:04:45] Many parents hand their report cards to their young adults

[00:04:49] and are upset when the young adult is angry, resentful, non-compliant, abusive

[00:04:55] and in other ways tells us we have failed.

[00:04:58] Holding your ground, especially if you have been a bit lax in the past

[00:05:02] will likely generate a lot of resistance and challenge initially.

[00:05:06] You are changing the expectations or rules in a way the young adult doesn't like

[00:05:11] and naturally they will be unhappy.

[00:05:14] We need to try to focus on what we can and can't do

[00:05:17] which is under our control, not the young adult's response

[00:05:21] which is not under our control.

[00:05:23] This is not to say we don't share our desires and hopes for the young adult

[00:05:28] but we don't make the attainment of these the source of our happiness.

[00:05:32] Parenting, Do's and Don'ts

[00:05:35] You may be thinking, okay, what are some examples of appropriate Do's and Don'ts?

[00:05:41] On the Do side, there are some different categories to consider.

[00:05:45] First, consider how you will approach your young adult.

[00:05:49] These can include acting in love, being honest, being willing to listen

[00:05:54] and trying to understand decisions, supporting independence, keeping promises

[00:06:00] being consistent in messages from parents and following through.

[00:06:04] The second set of Do's relates to tangible ways we can support their goals.

[00:06:08] I generally encourage parents to take or share responsibility in areas that could be

[00:06:13] devastating if neglected by the young adult.

[00:06:16] These include helping with the cost of health insurance, car insurance

[00:06:20] and any counseling help that they may seek.

[00:06:23] Finally, parents may consider helping with education, shelter, food,

[00:06:29] transportation and cell phone costs depending on the situation and the parent's resources.

[00:06:35] On these types of actions, there are some caveats.

[00:06:38] Ask yourself the three questions we've outlined.

[00:06:41] As much as possible, deliver resources after the young adult has met specific

[00:06:46] expectations and or use a matching approach where it is not just welfare

[00:06:51] but they must pony up some amount of money or effort to receive your tangible support.

[00:06:56] On the don't do side of the ledger are actions on the young adult's part

[00:07:00] that you will not accept and things you will not do for them.

[00:07:04] On what you won't do, consider things like giving money, buying discretionary items

[00:07:10] like clothes or video games, driving them places, paying their cable or phone bill,

[00:07:16] doing their laundry, making appointments, cleaning their room or their apartment

[00:07:21] if living away from home.

[00:07:23] On expectations, parents need to differentiate between dealbreakers

[00:07:28] and reasonable requests of the young adult.

[00:07:31] Dealbreakers if living at home are behaviors that will not be tolerated

[00:07:36] and will be an indication that the young adult does not agree with

[00:07:40] or is not willing to abide by these rules and is choosing to live elsewhere.

[00:07:44] Note, you are not kicking the young adult out.

[00:07:47] They can indicate that they want to live elsewhere by moving out

[00:07:51] or not complying with the deal breaker expectations.

[00:07:54] Some examples are narcotics in the house, violence or threats of verbal or physical abuse

[00:08:01] or threats destruction of property, stealing, dishonesty, girl or boyfriend

[00:08:07] sleeping over if there is a rule against this.

[00:08:09] If living outside the home, support for their education

[00:08:13] may be contingent on them getting passing grades.

[00:08:16] I suggest to parents, take a sheet of paper

[00:08:19] and use specific bullet points to compare these three lists.

[00:08:23] Do's, don'ts and expectations.

[00:08:26] The to-do list should include any requests by the young adult

[00:08:30] that you believe you are willing to meet

[00:08:32] as well as those who are already meeting.

[00:08:34] Then review this with your young adult.

[00:08:37] Negotiate where possible but prepare to stand your ground

[00:08:41] particularly on the deal breakers.

[00:08:43] It is also important if you are a two-parent family

[00:08:47] that the two parents agree on all items on the sheet

[00:08:50] and commit to following through on these.

[00:08:56] You just listened to the post titled

[00:08:58] Do's, Don'ts and Expectations in Parenting Young Adults

[00:09:03] by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of ParentsLettingGo.com

[00:09:07] and I'll be back in just a sec with my commentary.

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[00:10:41] And a big thank you to Dr. Jack for this one.

[00:10:44] All of his posts are such great reflection pieces for parents.

[00:10:48] Now one part of this write up that I think

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[00:10:55] And I think that's the best thing about Quince

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[00:11:06] Now one part of this write up that stood out to me

[00:11:09] was when he mentioned the way that parents

[00:11:11] can get down on themselves if their children

[00:11:14] don't fall on the straight and narrow path as he put it.

[00:11:18] This is an interesting plight for parents

[00:11:20] across the generations.

[00:11:22] But it's important to remember that

[00:11:24] the path that we as parents know

[00:11:27] to be more reliable and or conventional

[00:11:30] is always changing as younger adults

[00:11:33] come into power and start to sort of dictate

[00:11:36] the new normal for adulthood.

[00:11:38] And frankly, again with each passing generation

[00:11:41] the approach to adulthood and family life

[00:11:45] and professional life, they all become

[00:11:48] much less uniform.

[00:11:50] So all this to say that while your adult child

[00:11:53] may be living in a way that seems unconventional to you

[00:11:56] they more than likely have a lot of social support

[00:11:59] from people their age and are much less

[00:12:02] isolated or at risk in their choices

[00:12:05] than you think they are.

[00:12:07] So think about that parents as I'm sure

[00:12:09] the case was the same for you at least to a degree

[00:12:11] when you were coming into adulthood

[00:12:13] and the response you got from your own parents.

[00:12:15] But for now it is time to wrap up this episode of ORD

[00:12:18] and wrap this week up too.

[00:12:20] But no worries we will be here over the weekend

[00:12:22] as we always are and we do hope to see you there.

[00:12:25] So enjoy your Friday and be sure

[00:12:27] to come back again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.