2135: 6 Reasons You Should NEVER Compare Your Relationships by Rachael Pace with Psych Alive on Unfair Expectations

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[00:00:56] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2135, Six Reasons You Should Never Compare

[00:01:05] Your Relationships, by Rachel Pace with Psychalive.org.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody, happy Saturday and thanks a lot for coming and joining us over the weekend.

[00:01:15] My name is Greg Audino, I'm your host of the show, and the article I'll be sharing

[00:01:19] with you today talks about relationship comparison, something that we all know we should be

[00:01:24] avoiding but doesn't come up a whole lot in relationship articles, surprisingly.

[00:01:29] So let's see what we can learn today about how and why not to do it as we optimize your

[00:01:34] life.

[00:01:39] Six Reasons You Should Never Compare Your Relationships, by Rachel Pace with Psychalive.org.

[00:01:46] I wish my husband was like my ex.

[00:01:49] He was so much more affectionate.

[00:01:51] If my wife were like, blank, I would never feel bored in bed.

[00:01:56] If these sentiments sound familiar, your relationship may be on the fast track to disaster.

[00:02:02] There's an old saying that goes, comparison is the thief of joy.

[00:02:06] This phrase has been around for decades and for good reason.

[00:02:10] The moment you start comparing your partner to another relationship is the moment you

[00:02:14] choose to be unhappy.

[00:02:16] Your spouse is not your ex and they're not your friend's husband or wife.

[00:02:20] They are unique with their own set of experiences and beliefs.

[00:02:25] Stop comparing your spouse to someone else and start looking at their positive qualities

[00:02:29] and loving them for who they are.

[00:02:31] Here are six reasons why the urge to compare will be your downfall.

[00:02:36] Number One It Isn't Fair Think of your two favorite foods.

[00:02:41] Maybe you like pizza and you also love roasted broccoli.

[00:02:46] Broccoli and pizza are two very different food groups, yet you love them both.

[00:02:51] The same can be said for your current partner.

[00:02:53] They may not have the same qualities as your last partner did, but that doesn't mean

[00:02:57] you should love them any less.

[00:02:59] They're both great in different ways.

[00:03:02] Comparing your partner to someone else is not fair.

[00:03:05] You shouldn't get serious with someone if your only intention is to change them.

[00:03:09] Number Two It Will Make You Feel Bitter Here's a solid piece of relationship advice

[00:03:14] for couples.

[00:03:16] If all you can think about is how your ex did X, Y and Z for you and you wish your new spouse

[00:03:21] was like that, you have a serious problem.

[00:03:24] You and your ex aren't together for a reason.

[00:03:27] As the old saying goes, it's called a breakup because it's broken.

[00:03:31] Wishing for your spouse to be like an ex or like a partner from someone else's

[00:03:35] relationship will make you feel bitter toward the love your partner shows.

[00:03:40] In the end, you'll only be left feeling unhappy.

[00:03:43] You'll start to resent your spouse for who they aren't instead of loving them for who

[00:03:47] they are, which is seriously dangerous territory to be in.

[00:03:51] Number Three It Sets Unrealistic Expectations Under the right circumstances, it can be

[00:03:58] easy to get caught up in the past and start comparing your spouse to someone you loved

[00:04:02] before, but be warned that doing so may signal the end of your happy relationship.

[00:04:08] The moment you start comparing your relationship to your friend's marriage or an ex is

[00:04:13] the same moment you choose to be unhappy.

[00:04:15] Why?

[00:04:16] Because it sets unrealistic expectations for your partner.

[00:04:20] We all wish we could take the best parts from every relationship we've ever been in and

[00:04:24] mold them into the perfect partner, but that's Frankenstein science.

[00:04:29] These unrealistic expectations will only end up making you both miserable, so it's

[00:04:34] best to avoid them altogether.

[00:04:36] Number Four It Makes Your Spouse Feel Worthless

[00:04:40] Can you imagine the marriage therapy you would need if your spouse came to you and said,

[00:04:44] I wish you were more like my ex?

[00:04:47] They were more adventurous in the bedroom.

[00:04:50] Or my friend's boyfriend slash girlfriend seems so much more loving than you do.

[00:04:54] Can't you be more like them?

[00:04:57] Odds are, you would feel worthless and unappreciated by your spouse, and that's exactly

[00:05:02] how your partner will feel when you start comparing them to others.

[00:05:06] Even if your spouse started to take qualities of someone else, it wouldn't be a

[00:05:10] replica of your past experience because no two relationships are the same.

[00:05:15] You can't expect the love from your new partner to feel like someone else's, because each

[00:05:19] relationship is its own unique experience.

[00:05:23] Number Five You're Missing Out on the Good

[00:05:26] The more you choose to look at the downfalls of your spouse, the more miserable you

[00:05:30] will be in your relationship.

[00:05:32] Instead of focusing on what you wish you would change in your relationship, look

[00:05:36] at your partner's appealing qualities.

[00:05:39] They may not be as affectionate as your former partner, but what do they do that drives you

[00:05:43] wild?

[00:05:45] Make a list of how they show affection and write down what they do that makes you smile

[00:05:50] or the qualities they have that you find admirable.

[00:05:53] Making a physical checklist will help remind you of all the wonderful reasons you fell

[00:05:57] in love with your partner in the first place.

[00:06:00] And Number Six It Isn't Showing Respect for Your New Love

[00:06:04] A great relationship is all about respect.

[00:06:07] It means you show honor or esteem to your partner.

[00:06:11] You are courteous of their boundaries and feel esteem for their positive qualities.

[00:06:16] When you compare your spouse to someone else, you aren't showing respect for what an

[00:06:20] awesome person they are.

[00:06:22] Comparisons can be a little bit selfish because you're only thinking of what your

[00:06:25] partner can do for you instead of considering the great aspects of your relationship

[00:06:30] like what good friends you are or how well you communicate.

[00:06:34] What to do if you can't stop comparing your spouse?

[00:06:38] If you are stuck in a loop of spousal comparisons, a marriage therapist can help.

[00:06:43] Your counselor can help you get to the root of what is making you feel the need to hold

[00:06:47] your partner to somebody else's standard.

[00:06:49] A marriage therapist can also give solid relationship advice for couples on building

[00:06:54] intimacy and strengthening their communication and conflict resolution skills.

[00:07:03] You just listened to the post titled, Six Reasons You Should Never Compare Your Relationships

[00:07:09] by Rachel Pace with Psychalive.org.

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[00:09:02] And thanks so much to Rachel for this post and her words of wisdom.

[00:09:06] I think one common theme throughout the whole article, even though it was only mentioned

[00:09:10] once, is this idea of pent up resentment, right?

[00:09:14] It seems that a lot of the reasons she listed required us to get past the feelings of resentment

[00:09:19] we might be experiencing about what our partners might have done or not done in the past.

[00:09:26] But how can we get ahead of the curve on this?

[00:09:28] So how can we prevent resentment in the first place and not let it bottle up?

[00:09:32] Well, of course it comes down to talking about what troubles us in the moment.

[00:09:37] And no, it is not always easy to do and these exchanges will not always go as

[00:09:41] smoothly as you feel they maybe should.

[00:09:45] But if we can make a habit of trying to do this with our partners, trying to bring things up,

[00:09:50] bring problems up as they arise, the lines of communication can open much wider.

[00:09:56] Tensions will be lower and we will be better positioned to find compromises and stay present

[00:10:02] rather than just referring to a list of offenses that are weeks, months or years

[00:10:08] long.

[00:10:09] If we fail to do this, we are definitely more apt for comparing our relationships without

[00:10:13] question.

[00:10:15] So keep that communication flowing and when you do notice tension come up for you, try

[00:10:19] to bring it up sooner and sooner, calmer and calmer, more and more focused on compromise

[00:10:24] than anything else.

[00:10:26] I wish you luck with that everyone as we wrap things up today here on ORD.

[00:10:30] Thank you so much for tuning in over the weekend and I do hope you'll consider

[00:10:33] doing the same tomorrow in both our regularly scheduled episode as well as our bonus

[00:10:38] episode.

[00:10:40] That's where your optimal life awaits.