2140: Conflict Resolution Strategies For Couples - To Fight Better by Eddie Corbano of Loves A Game on Marriage Counseling

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[00:01:24] I narrate the articles for you and then I offer my own commentary at the end, based on my history in life coaching and relationship coaching.

[00:01:32] So with that let's hear today's post courtesy of longtime contributor Eddie Corbano as we optimize your life.

[00:01:50] Why do we fight?

[00:01:52] Are you the type of person who loves to argue, shout and even end up in a furious rage?

[00:01:57] Or are you more the type who shrinks into your shell, avoiding conflict at all costs?

[00:02:03] Either way, you'd need some readjusting.

[00:02:06] Will this article help you to learn how to resolve conflicts the healthy way?

[00:02:10] You bet.

[00:02:12] We all know and fear those particular situations when conflict occurs and things are getting out of hand.

[00:02:18] The mere word conflict invokes negative associations of fighting, arguing, withdrawal, fear, anger, hurt and loneliness.

[00:02:29] On the other hand, relationship conflicts can open a path to mutual understanding and personal growth.

[00:02:35] There are so-called conflict resolution strategies for couples.

[00:02:39] So conflict can be a good thing.

[00:02:42] We've all met couples who proudly proclaim that they have never had a single quarrel in their relationship.

[00:02:47] Like ever.

[00:02:49] Apart from the fact that this is very unlikely, it's also very unhealthy.

[00:02:54] No one can tell me that a happy and fulfilling relationship is one without conflicts.

[00:02:59] If there aren't any, then something is wrong.

[00:03:02] It usually means that someone is holding back their needs and trying hard to please their partner at all costs.

[00:03:08] Needless to say, it's only a matter of time until the bomb explodes.

[00:03:13] A conflict is the most challenging thing to occur in a relationship.

[00:03:17] The only key to profit from it is to use verbal and non-verbal communication for conflict resolution.

[00:03:24] By resolving disagreements and conflicts quickly, and most importantly painlessly, your trust in each other will flourish.

[00:03:32] In other words, an argument is good if you learn how to do this.

[00:03:37] A classic example of adverse positions when conflicts occur is the rage-withdraw opposition.

[00:03:43] Some react to conflicts with explosive rage, others freeze and withdraw.

[00:03:48] Why is that so?

[00:03:50] It all depends on how you have learned and experienced conflict resolving in your early childhood.

[00:03:56] What childhood experiences influence your ability to resolve conflicts in a negative way?

[00:04:02] If you have lived in a family where anger and frustration were taken out on you

[00:04:06] and you grew up with feeling angry and fearful of conflict,

[00:04:09] you will most likely numb your feelings and perhaps fail to recognize your longing for closeness and tenderness.

[00:04:16] Or you will simply react explosively and angrily.

[00:04:20] On the other hand, if you learned in your family to resolve differences without humiliation or punishing

[00:04:26] and that disagreement led to compromises, then you will later resolve your conflicts in a calm and productive way.

[00:04:33] And more importantly, you will stay true to yourself and your feelings at the same time.

[00:04:39] But how can you burst your early childhood bonds?

[00:04:42] The only way is to recognize your behavior and then correct it over and over again.

[00:04:48] This is called building new neurological pathways.

[00:04:51] There is no other way around doing this and no magic pill unfortunately.

[00:04:56] The first step is to identify your conflict behavior patterns.

[00:05:00] What do you do and how do you react during those conflicts?

[00:05:04] Once you are aware of your reaction, you can then connect this knowledge with your early childhood behavior.

[00:05:10] The last step would be of course to consciously alter your pattern to a newer and better one.

[00:05:16] But what is a better pattern in conflict resolution, you might ask?

[00:05:20] Verbal and nonverbal communication skills are the main keys to resolving conflicts.

[00:05:26] Here are some of these communication skills in short.

[00:05:29] Be focused and stay calm in intense situations.

[00:05:33] This is the most important skill.

[00:05:35] If you are able to stay calm and centered no matter how intense the conflict may be,

[00:05:39] then you can guarantee that the situation will not escalate.

[00:05:43] Always know what matters most to you and be able to experience intense emotions.

[00:05:48] Never numb these basic feelings like sadness, fear or anger.

[00:05:52] Doing so will compromise your ability to face and resolve differences.

[00:05:57] Know how to recognize and read nonverbal cues.

[00:06:01] Facial expressions, eye contact, voice tone, posture.

[00:06:05] Knowing these can help to avoid conflicts before they occur.

[00:06:09] And be playful and know when and when not to apply humor in conflict situations.

[00:06:16] Many dangerous situations in a relationship can be avoided by using humor at the right moment.

[00:06:21] The importance of personal needs.

[00:06:24] If you ignore your personal needs, they will most certainly turn up unexpectedly.

[00:06:29] It's also possible that they will manifest in other ways like for example, in an illness.

[00:06:34] Ignoring each other's needs can lead to serious relationship problems.

[00:06:39] Everyone has the desire to feel understood and supported by their partner.

[00:06:43] Learning to respect and realize the needs of one another is one of the most important premises of a healthy relationship.

[00:06:51] How to avoid conflicts by recognizing your needs.

[00:06:55] Acknowledge the legitimacy of your partners and your own needs.

[00:06:59] This will open up limitless possibilities for solving problems.

[00:07:02] Identify your and your partner's needs correctly.

[00:07:06] Only then will you be able to work out a compromise that will content you both.

[00:07:10] Be aware that misunderstanding your partner's needs can endanger your relationship.

[00:07:15] Speak openly with one another about your needs.

[00:07:18] And more importantly, share your feelings about them.

[00:07:21] Never hold anything back.

[00:07:23] Eventually it will only come back to get you.

[00:07:26] And always try to work out a compromise.

[00:07:29] Know that it is impossible to resolve a situation without compromising if the needs are different.

[00:07:34] So learn to be a diplomat.

[00:07:36] Conclusion.

[00:07:38] Solving relationship conflicts and finding strategies is something that can be learned.

[00:07:43] If your childhood provided you with the proper mindset towards conflict, then great.

[00:07:48] If not, you have to learn it.

[00:07:50] The problem is that most people don't recognize their behavior and they don't know where it's coming from.

[00:07:55] You have to watch your own behavior and correct it consciously.

[00:07:59] Don't be a slave to your childhood experiences.

[00:08:02] The lack of understanding about different needs in a relationship and the inability to compromise are some of the most common reasons for breakups or divorces.

[00:08:12] Conflicts are good.

[00:08:14] As I said, once you have learned to profit from them and not fear them, you can elevate your relationship to a higher level.

[00:08:21] I wish you happy and healthy fights.

[00:08:28] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:08:30] Conflict Resolution Strategies for Couples to Fight Better

[00:08:34] by Eddie Corbano of lovesagame.com

[00:08:37] And be sure to stick around for my commentary in just a sec.

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[00:10:30] Okay, and a big thanks to Eddie for this one.

[00:10:32] Stepping outside his usual format of break-up recovery teachings

[00:10:36] and instead shifting towards dynamics that exist within the relationship, which I enjoyed.

[00:10:41] A lot of great tips here.

[00:10:42] And I'll try to add one of my own to his list about how to avoid conflicts by recognizing your needs.

[00:10:48] So keep in mind that the way we perceive our needs also differs from person to person.

[00:10:55] For example, the way our needs have been responded to over time by different people in different situations

[00:11:02] can really affect how insistent we are on having them met in the future.

[00:11:06] You might have been made to feel comfortable enough expressing your needs over time

[00:11:10] that you have more flexibility and needs are easy to distinguish from wants for you.

[00:11:16] Or on the other hand, if your needs and wants have consistently been disregarded

[00:11:21] and you're at a point of personal liberation maybe,

[00:11:24] then you might be trying to make up for lost time

[00:11:27] and reclaiming your power might translate into demanding that every single want of yours is met and treated like a need.

[00:11:36] So all this to say, it is highly important to be aware of how your needs have been met historically

[00:11:44] and how that might affect your ability to see them objectively and make compromises accordingly right now.

[00:11:50] So think about that everyone as we wrap up today and sign off on another episode of ORD.

[00:11:55] I thank you so much for tuning in as always.

[00:11:58] Be sure to do the same tomorrow where I will have another post for you.

[00:12:02] And that's where your optimal life awaits.