2145: Five Common Misconceptions That Keep Couples From Seeking Therapy by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

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[00:00:58] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2145.

[00:01:03] Five common misconceptions that keep couples from seeking therapy by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:01:09] of Dr. Margaret Rutherford dot com.

[00:01:12] Hello everybody, I'm Greg Audino and this is Optimal Relationships Daily, the show

[00:01:17] that is all about improving the many relationships in your life each and every day in about

[00:01:21] ten minutes or less.

[00:01:23] Now this time I'll be reading a great post for you from Dr. Margaret Rutherford,

[00:01:28] explaining what we might tell ourselves that keeps us from trying couples therapy.

[00:01:32] As a therapist herself, Dr. Margaret offers a lot more for you to think about.

[00:01:37] So let's hear what she has to say as we optimize your life.

[00:01:44] Five common misconceptions that keep couples from seeking therapy by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:01:50] of Dr. Margaret Rutherford dot com.

[00:01:53] I do a lot of couples therapy and there are nine words that are music to my ears.

[00:01:59] We came in before there was a real problem.

[00:02:03] This very wise couple has not waited until a crisis has hit.

[00:02:08] No one is flirting with a co-worker, no vicious and repetitive arguments are heard

[00:02:12] late at night, nor does steely silence define their days when the only words spoken

[00:02:17] are about who's getting which kid to practice.

[00:02:20] If only it were the norm for couples to come in before things get chaotic and incredibly

[00:02:25] hurtful.

[00:02:26] But let's face it, you probably don't take your car in for a tune up until some warning

[00:02:30] lights go on.

[00:02:32] Tornado shelters are planned after tornadoes have ripped through your community.

[00:02:36] Do you know where your flashlight is or if it needs batteries?

[00:02:40] You're both inundated with the stress of normal life, working for a promotion, attacking

[00:02:45] piles of laundry or helping with math homework.

[00:02:49] So it's easy to furgo maintenance of your relationship.

[00:02:53] To reassure yourself that the arguments you're having or the fact that you can go days without

[00:02:57] speaking to one another is okay.

[00:03:00] Add onto that the fact that there are some very common misconceptions about therapy

[00:03:04] itself.

[00:03:05] Then you're likely never to darken the door of a couples therapist.

[00:03:09] You can wait far too long.

[00:03:12] The misconceptions that you hold on to can easily be hiding your fear of vulnerability

[00:03:17] and entering therapy takes courage.

[00:03:20] Let's talk about those misconceptions for a minute.

[00:03:23] They are the stories you tell yourself about why couples therapy just isn't for you or

[00:03:28] won't help or is a waste of time.

[00:03:31] However, they also serve as a great way to avoid the fear of vulnerability that is

[00:03:36] part of the therapy process.

[00:03:38] That takes courage.

[00:03:40] So I'd like to debunk five common misconceptions.

[00:03:44] Number one, therapy involves giving up control.

[00:03:49] Some stranger isn't going to tell me what to do.

[00:03:52] You tell yourself that therapy is like school and that the therapist is the authority with

[00:03:56] all the answers and you, the ignorant student are assigned tasks which you must perform.

[00:04:03] You're handing over your life to a perfect stranger.

[00:04:06] I assure you if I used such authoritarian tactics, I wouldn't have any patience.

[00:04:12] What a good therapist does have is objectivity and experience.

[00:04:17] They can act as a consultant, seeing problems you're describing in the context of the

[00:04:21] hundreds of other stories.

[00:04:24] They may connect present day issues with your past or notice behavior or communication

[00:04:28] patterns that are harder for you to see.

[00:04:31] It's the same as a coach watching your golf swing or a chef tasting food you've

[00:04:36] prepared.

[00:04:37] Misconception number two, I can talk to my friends.

[00:04:41] My father-in-law used to joke, people pay to talk to you.

[00:04:45] In many ways his teasing revealed an important point.

[00:04:49] There's a misconception that therapy is all about talk, words.

[00:04:54] It's not.

[00:04:55] Therapy is about a specific kind of relationship that's a focus on you and what you want

[00:05:00] to change in your life.

[00:05:02] Your therapist's job is to carefully understand and hold your emotions, your hurt, your

[00:05:07] anger and help you work through them.

[00:05:11] She or he is emotionally present with you, helping you to maneuver through whatever

[00:05:15] is causing pain.

[00:05:17] For couples the work for a therapist becomes to provide that compassion and support for

[00:05:21] both even though there can be vast disagreement and conflict.

[00:05:26] Your friends often have an agenda.

[00:05:29] Hopefully a therapist does not.

[00:05:31] Except to help you and your partner reach a better place with one another.

[00:05:36] Misconception number three, excuses of money, time and availability.

[00:05:41] Therapy costs too much.

[00:05:42] It takes too much time and you can't find a therapist when you need one anyway.

[00:05:48] Money is tight for many and of course it's a consideration.

[00:05:51] But therapy can be very focused on a certain issue or pattern and if you do the work

[00:05:56] outside of the therapy hour then you'd be amazed at the kind of progress you can

[00:06:00] make.

[00:06:02] Many therapists use a brief solution focused model and will work with you on identifying

[00:06:07] a major issue and suggest things to both of you to work on in yourselves.

[00:06:12] How fast therapy goes is actually up to you.

[00:06:15] I often also point out to folks that divorces have tremendous cost both financially and

[00:06:21] emotionally.

[00:06:23] As far as availability goes there are some areas in the US where therapists are scarce

[00:06:28] and I've heard that in other countries such as the United Kingdom there are long waits

[00:06:33] for therapy that's free largely due to demand.

[00:06:37] But online therapies are growing in popularity and are definitely an option and the self

[00:06:41] help community of podcasts, books, tapes, seminars is huge.

[00:06:47] If you look you'll find something that will help.

[00:06:51] Misconception number four, distrust.

[00:06:54] I don't want anyone to know my or our business and how could some stranger know anything about

[00:06:59] me?

[00:07:01] There's no getting around this one.

[00:07:03] At its root is a struggle with fear, shame and immense distrust.

[00:07:08] If you're $50,000 in debt, if you've got an addiction, if you were abused as a child,

[00:07:14] if you meticulously clean your house at 3am those things are important for a therapist

[00:07:18] to know if they're going to be able to help.

[00:07:21] And that distrust is rooted in the fact that you've been hurt and you don't want to be

[00:07:25] hurt again.

[00:07:27] And misconception number five, my partner doesn't need to know everything.

[00:07:32] Many people keep secrets and yet secrets have power, a lot of power.

[00:07:37] You may not have wanted to disclose these things for fear of their impact.

[00:07:41] I get it.

[00:07:43] Hearing yourself say the words and especially admitting something in front of your partner

[00:07:46] can be very hard.

[00:07:48] But if your marriage is crumbling, maybe it's time to consider another strategy for connection,

[00:07:54] one that is built on more openness and honesty.

[00:07:57] And that can start in couples therapy.

[00:08:03] You just listened to the post titled Five Common Misconceptions That Keep Couples From

[00:08:08] Seeking Therapy by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr.MargaretRutherford.com and be sure

[00:08:14] to stick around for my commentary in just a sec.

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[00:10:06] And a big thank you to Dr. Margaret for this post.

[00:10:09] She's addressed, as she said, some very common reasons that we're prone to come up with ourselves.

[00:10:15] And look, sometimes therapy is not the answer.

[00:10:19] Contrary to popular belief, not every single person needs or benefits from therapy.

[00:10:25] I personally think it is much, much more helpful than the majority of people give it credit for.

[00:10:31] But sometimes we have other tools at our disposal

[00:10:35] that we can use to overcome our problems.

[00:10:37] And a therapist isn't necessarily our only option.

[00:10:41] But it depends on what these problems are.

[00:10:44] And how willing we are to seek these creative solutions, these alternative solutions.

[00:10:49] So all this to say, if you don't want to go to individual or couples therapy, then fine.

[00:10:56] It's natural to meet it with resistance.

[00:10:59] But at least don't do yourself the disservice of not consistently trying other approaches.

[00:11:05] Therapy is an amazing outlet.

[00:11:07] And if you really don't want to do it at this point in time,

[00:11:11] the least you can do for yourself is hold yourself accountable to the changes you want to make.

[00:11:15] And not sit there doing nothing at all, waiting for things to change on their own,

[00:11:20] blaming the world or your partner, etc.

[00:11:23] If this is something you find yourself doing a lot of,

[00:11:26] then the fixes to your problems are likely much farther away than you think.

[00:11:30] So think about that everybody.

[00:11:32] It's time to get going for now, but I appreciate you tuning in today and listening through to the end.

[00:11:36] Enjoy the rest of your weekend if you're listening in real time.

[00:11:39] And I'll be back with you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.