2146: Should I Tell Him I Want a Real Relationship by Melissa Josue of Melissa the Love Coach on Vulnerability & Emotional Health

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[00:00:44] Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2146. Should I Tell Him I Want

[00:00:52] a Real Relationship? by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:00:57] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD. I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino,

[00:01:03] very happy to be here with you today and to be able to bring you some more enriching

[00:01:06] relationship content. Today I've got a post on hand from Melissa Josue, aka Melissa

[00:01:12] the Love Coach. We'll be taking a look at a question she answered in her advice column

[00:01:17] called Ask Melissa. So I'll read the question first, then transition into her answer.

[00:01:22] Let's jump into the post now and optimize your life.

[00:01:29] Should I Tell Him I Want a Real Relationship? by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:01:37] Dear Melissa, should I go ahead and ask this man to be in a relationship with me?

[00:01:42] He is divorced five years. He pursued me, but I guess he got scared and retreated,

[00:01:47] but I was already hooked. We continued to get close, but I could feel him pushing away or not

[00:01:52] being as forthcoming as before. I, however, encouraged him to seek counseling to deal with

[00:01:57] his issues. I'm worried that following some type of rule saying that men should be the

[00:02:03] protagonist might make us lose out on something great. I want to lay my cards out and see what

[00:02:08] he says. We've been friends for about seven months now. There is huge physical chemistry,

[00:02:14] and we connect on every level – spiritually, mentally, and oftentimes emotionally when he

[00:02:20] isn't being distant. I know what people might say, but I cannot help the way I feel in my

[00:02:25] heart knowing we could lose out on something great because I was being a lady waiting on him

[00:02:31] to come to me. I don't plan on being pushy or emotional. I plan on stating my case and hope

[00:02:37] that he sees how good we could be because oftentimes he is engrossed in his work.

[00:02:42] Do you think I should tell him and risk our friendship as it stands? Which, by the way,

[00:02:46] isn't progressing much. Confused Lover

[00:02:50] Dear confused lover, I feel you. When you're in love with someone and you're unsure about

[00:02:55] how they feel about you and you're waiting for them to move their relationship along,

[00:03:00] it can be really frustrating wondering what they're really thinking and feeling.

[00:03:04] And I know how that ambiguity makes you feel anxious and makes you want to be like,

[00:03:09] ummm, let's move things along. I've been there. The short answer is yes, you should

[00:03:15] definitely tell him how you feel about him and lay your cards on the table. Sharing your

[00:03:21] feelings is a powerful and wonderful way to connect and deepen your relationship and bring

[00:03:26] him closer to you, even if it is a friendship right now. But I advise against telling him

[00:03:33] to be in a relationship with you. The reason why I advise against asking him to be in a

[00:03:38] relationship with you is not because of any rule that men have to be the protagonist,

[00:03:43] there is no rule, but because in my experience, that doesn't work for getting the result that

[00:03:48] you want. It doesn't work because asking a man to be in a relationship with you can make

[00:03:53] him feel pressured, i.e. controlled, which is a total turn off to a man and can actually

[00:03:59] make a man want to withdraw. But if you already did this, don't fret, we can turn it around.

[00:04:05] There's a difference between telling him to do something and sharing your feelings.

[00:04:09] I'll explain how how you do it will make all the difference. My advice is instead of asking

[00:04:16] him to be in a relationship with you, I recommend these two things instead. First,

[00:04:21] take a deep breath, release the oars, sit back and stop rowing the boat. Step out of

[00:04:27] the energy of chasing and pursuit. It's stressful, it's exhausting, and ultimately

[00:04:32] it doesn't help your cause in deepening your friendship and connecting with his heart.

[00:04:36] Get in touch with what you're really feeling in your heart. For example, you're loving

[00:04:41] your connection and friendship. You love spending time together and sharing everything

[00:04:45] that you share. You're scared of losing the connection you have with him. You're

[00:04:49] feeling confused because sometimes there's a lot of chemistry but sometimes he's withdrawn.

[00:04:54] Share your feelings without making him responsible. Share feelings, not actions.

[00:05:00] In other words, when you feel tempted to tell him what you want to do, stop yourself. Instead,

[00:05:06] connect with his heart by sharing how you feel, not telling him what you think he should do.

[00:05:12] For example, instead of I want us to spend more time together, you can say I love spending

[00:05:19] time with you. I feel so happy when we're together. I'm feeling sad and confused when

[00:05:24] we don't connect or spend time together for a long time. This connects with his heart and

[00:05:29] inspires him to open up to you about how he feels. See, what you're looking for here is

[00:05:35] mutual interest in moving the relationship forward from friendship to dating. There are

[00:05:40] a couple of ways you can move this friendship along to a romance in a way that's not pushy

[00:05:45] or risks turning him off. 1. Be in your feminine power. If you've been mostly talking in a

[00:05:52] friendly context, get a little more flirtatious and see how he responds. Or maybe talk about

[00:05:58] something on your bucket list in your city and see if he takes the bait in suggesting or

[00:06:03] even arranging the both of you to go there. If you do, then you have a date.

[00:06:09] The other option is to be more forward with your feelings instead of simply signaling your

[00:06:14] feelings. Don't tell him to be in a relationship with you, but tell him that it would thrill you

[00:06:19] to spend more time with him and ask him how he feels about that. See the difference between

[00:06:24] telling what you want him to do versus sharing how you feel and asking how he feels?

[00:06:30] The only thing that makes that approach more risky is that he might not reciprocate those

[00:06:34] feelings. But chances are his answer will be more clear about whether he wants to date you

[00:06:39] or not. The bottom line is, it really comes down to what kind of relationship you want.

[00:06:48] You mentioned there are issues. These issues could be keeping him from pursuing a romantic

[00:06:53] relationship with you. If a man is ready for a relationship and interested, he will do

[00:06:58] everything within his power to attain what he wants, if he knows what he wants. A question

[00:07:03] that sums it up for me as I was reading your question is, what is in the way of him asking

[00:07:08] you out? You've been friends for seven months, you have huge chemistry, if he's showing some

[00:07:14] romantic interest but it's stalled for some reason and the friendship hasn't progressed

[00:07:18] from friendship to dating, if he's pushing you away, not being forthcoming and you're unsure if

[00:07:23] he wants a romantic relationship with you, chances are he's not feeling ready right now

[00:07:29] and needs to resolve some things on his end to feel ready and to have the mental and

[00:07:34] emotional availability to devote to a romantic relationship. But you can get him to open up

[00:07:39] about his feelings using the methods that I recommended so you can get more information

[00:07:44] to decide what you want to do. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:53] Should I Tell Him I Want a Real Relationship by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com.

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[00:09:49] And thank you so much to Melissa for letting us share her work today. Couldn't agree more

[00:09:53] with her on this one. And I love the distinction she makes between how the reader can express

[00:09:58] her feelings, but not be demanding. A lot of nuance there which Melissa articulated so well.

[00:10:04] You know, there can be so much worry about revealing too much of ourselves,

[00:10:09] wanting to hold back a little bit. And that could lead into a whole ongoing discussion with

[00:10:15] a lot of variables, but I'm tempted to boil it down to this. If you want to be in a

[00:10:20] relationship with someone, that relationship will only be functional if you are willing

[00:10:24] to be vulnerable and be open and say what you need to say in spite of feelings of

[00:10:29] embarrassment. Again, there are lines you could consider not crossing until a later date if you'd

[00:10:34] like, but in this scenario, telling someone you like them as more than a friend is a good

[00:10:40] opportunity to bear all and not withhold something important from someone who you'd

[00:10:44] like to be with and therefore should get comfortable opening up to. Just my two cents,

[00:10:50] maybe a little generalized today. I don't know. That does wrap us up though everybody.

[00:10:54] So many thanks as always for joining and listening until the end. I appreciate you. I

[00:10:59] hope you have a great start to your week and I do hope you come back and join me again tomorrow

[00:11:03] for another post where your optimal life awaits.