2147: [Part 1] Love is Not Enough by Mark Manson on Overlooking Essential Values Like Respect, Humility & Commitment

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[00:00:54] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2147.

[00:01:00] Part 1 by Mark Manson of MarkManson.net

[00:01:05] Hello everybody and thank you so much for joining me once again here on ORD.

[00:01:10] I'm your host Greg Audino, and today I'll be starting a longer post from none other than Mark Manson,

[00:01:15] whose work is well loved by myself and millions upon millions of others.

[00:01:20] Today he'll speak about why love itself is not enough

[00:01:23] and what is really required in order for relationships to thrive.

[00:01:28] So let's start the article now and optimize your life.

[00:01:35] Love is Not Enough, Part 1 by Mark Manson of MarkManson.net

[00:01:41] In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called All You Need Is Love.

[00:01:47] He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children,

[00:01:52] verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs,

[00:01:57] and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.

[00:02:02] 35 years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called Love Is Not Enough.

[00:02:09] Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances

[00:02:13] and his grotesque and disturbing videos,

[00:02:16] got clean from all narcotics and alcohol, married one woman,

[00:02:20] had two children with her, and then canceled entire albums and tours

[00:02:24] so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.

[00:02:28] One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love.

[00:02:32] One of them did not.

[00:02:34] One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems.

[00:02:38] One of them did not.

[00:02:40] One of these men was probably a narcissist.

[00:02:43] One of them was not.

[00:02:45] In our culture, many of us idealize love.

[00:02:49] We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life's problems,

[00:02:53] our movies and our stories and our history,

[00:02:56] all celebrate it as life's ultimate goal,

[00:02:59] the final solution for all of our pain and struggle.

[00:03:02] And because we idealize love, we overestimate it.

[00:03:06] As a result, our relationships pay a price.

[00:03:10] When we believe that all we need is love,

[00:03:12] then like Lenin, we're more likely to ignore fundamental values,

[00:03:16] such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about.

[00:03:22] After all, if love solves everything,

[00:03:24] then why bother with all the other stuff?

[00:03:26] All the hard stuff.

[00:03:28] But if, like Resner, we believe that love is not enough,

[00:03:32] then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions.

[00:03:39] We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships

[00:03:44] than simply being in love.

[00:03:46] And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

[00:03:51] Three harsh truths about love.

[00:03:54] The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations

[00:04:00] about what love actually is and what it can do for us.

[00:04:03] These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

[00:04:10] Allow me to illustrate.

[00:04:12] Number one, love does not equal compatibility.

[00:04:16] Just because you fall in love with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're a good partner

[00:04:20] for you to be with over the long term.

[00:04:23] Love is an emotional process, compatibility is a logical process,

[00:04:28] and the two don't bleed into one another very well.

[00:04:31] It's possible to fall in love with somebody who does not treat us well,

[00:04:35] who makes us feel worse about ourselves,

[00:04:37] who doesn't hold the same respect for us as we do for them,

[00:04:40] or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.

[00:04:46] It's possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals

[00:04:50] that are contradictory to our own,

[00:04:52] who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews

[00:04:55] that clash with our own sense of reality.

[00:04:58] It's possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

[00:05:03] That may sound paradoxical, but it's true.

[00:05:06] When I think of all the disastrous relationships I've seen

[00:05:09] or people have emailed me about,

[00:05:11] many, or most of them, were entered into on the basis of emotion.

[00:05:16] They felt that spark, and so they just dove in head first.

[00:05:21] And then six months later, when she's throwing his stuff out onto the lawn

[00:05:25] and he's praying to Jesus 12 times a day for her salvation,

[00:05:28] they look around and wonder,

[00:05:30] gee, where did it go wrong?

[00:05:33] The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

[00:05:36] When dating and looking for a partner,

[00:05:38] you must use not only your heart, but your mind.

[00:05:42] Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter

[00:05:44] and your fart smell like cherry popsicles.

[00:05:47] But you also need to evaluate a person's values,

[00:05:50] how they treat themselves,

[00:05:52] how they treat those close to them,

[00:05:54] their ambitions, and their worldviews in general.

[00:05:57] Because if you fall in love with someone

[00:05:59] who is incompatible with you,

[00:06:01] well, as the ski instructor from South Park once said,

[00:06:04] you're gonna have a bad time.

[00:06:07] Number two, love does not solve

[00:06:09] your relationship problems.

[00:06:11] My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other.

[00:06:15] We also lived in different cities,

[00:06:17] had no money to see each other,

[00:06:19] had families who hated each other,

[00:06:21] and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama

[00:06:23] and fighting.

[00:06:24] And every time we fought,

[00:06:26] we'd come back to each other the next day

[00:06:28] and make up and remind each other

[00:06:30] of how crazy we were about one another

[00:06:32] and then none of those little things matter

[00:06:34] because we are, oh my God, so in love.

[00:06:37] And we'll find a way to work it out

[00:06:38] and everything will be great just you wait and see.

[00:06:41] Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues

[00:06:45] when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

[00:06:49] As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved.

[00:06:53] The fights repeated themselves, the arguments got worse.

[00:06:56] Our inability to ever see each other

[00:06:58] hung around our necks like an albatross.

[00:07:01] We were both self-absorbed to the point

[00:07:03] where we couldn't even communicate that effectively.

[00:07:06] Hours and hours talking on the phone

[00:07:08] with nothing actually said.

[00:07:11] Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last.

[00:07:14] Yet we kept it up for three years.

[00:07:17] After all, love conquers all, right?

[00:07:20] Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames

[00:07:23] and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch.

[00:07:26] The breakup was ugly.

[00:07:28] And the big lesson I took away from it was this.

[00:07:31] While love may make you feel better

[00:07:33] about your relationship problems,

[00:07:35] it doesn't actually solve any of your relationship problems.

[00:07:39] This is how a toxic relationship works.

[00:07:42] The roller coaster of emotions is intoxicating,

[00:07:45] each high feeling even more important

[00:07:47] and more valid than the one before.

[00:07:49] But unless there's a stable

[00:07:51] and practical foundation beneath your feet,

[00:07:53] that rising tide of emotion

[00:07:55] will eventually come and wash it all away.

[00:07:59] To be continued.

[00:08:04] You just listened to part one of the post titled,

[00:08:07] Love is Not Enough by Mark Manson of markmanson.net

[00:08:12] And be sure to stick around for my commentary in just a sec.

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[00:09:34] On May 10th, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

[00:09:37] is coming to IMAX and theaters everywhere.

[00:09:40] What a wonderful day!

[00:09:43] This summer, one movie event will rain.

[00:09:46] It is our time.

[00:09:48] Apes aren't humans.

[00:09:50] That is wrong.

[00:09:52] Bend for your king.

[00:09:54] Never.

[00:09:56] Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

[00:09:57] only in theaters May 10.

[00:09:58] Tickets on sale now.

[00:10:00] Rated PG-13.

[00:10:01] Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

[00:10:04] And thanks so much to Mark for this post,

[00:10:06] which is off to a great start.

[00:10:08] What we've heard so far actually reminds me

[00:10:10] of another piece of advice I've heard from him

[00:10:12] and like to share myself.

[00:10:14] And that is that both partners must be on the same page

[00:10:17] about where they want the relationship to go.

[00:10:20] And they must both be working towards that.

[00:10:23] And this isn't always as simple as

[00:10:24] both partners wanting to stay together

[00:10:26] or both wanting to break up

[00:10:27] or be friends or whatever.

[00:10:29] It also means supporting shared values and goals.

[00:10:33] This is why it's really important to communicate

[00:10:36] about what you each want in many facets

[00:10:38] of your life together.

[00:10:40] If your visions align, that's great.

[00:10:42] But that's only the first step.

[00:10:45] What's most important then is to make sure

[00:10:47] that each partner is contributing in this way.

[00:10:50] If you want weekly dates, fine.

[00:10:53] Are you each making time for it?

[00:10:55] Are you taking turns making reservations?

[00:10:57] Are you budgeting appropriately for it?

[00:11:00] So there are a lot of small habits

[00:11:01] that lie beneath shared relationship goals.

[00:11:04] And if we pay attention to them,

[00:11:06] we get a better picture of the daily efforts we can

[00:11:09] and should put in for our relationships

[00:11:11] to have a true foundation.

[00:11:14] But that's it for now everyone.

[00:11:15] Part one in the books.

[00:11:16] And I can't wait to see what Mark has in store for us

[00:11:18] in the continuation of this post tomorrow.

[00:11:21] So be sure to come back tomorrow to hear that.

[00:11:23] That's where your optimal life awaits.