2149: Helping Your Child with Anxiety by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Supporting Anxious Children

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2149, Helping Your Child With Anxiety, by Dr. Laura Markham of

[00:00:08] peacefulparenthappykids.com. Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD with me or host and narrator,

[00:00:16] Greg Audino. And today I'm going to be reading from what might sound like a new site, but it's

[00:00:21] actually just a new name. What was once a-ha-parenting.com has gone through a bit of a rebrand

[00:00:28] and is now called peacefulparenthappykids.com. Lots of the same types of content though and still led

[00:00:34] by Dr. Laura Markham who always gives us really great material to share. So let's jump into this one

[00:00:39] about anxiety and kids as we optimize your life. Helping Your Child With Anxiety, by Dr. Laura

[00:00:51] Markham of peacefulparenthappykids.com. Sometimes anxiety and children manifests as

[00:00:58] fear of specific things, such as separations from a parent or social interactions. Sometimes

[00:01:04] children develop phobias of specific things like bees or dogs. Sometimes a child is prone to

[00:01:11] worries of all kinds. Sometimes kids react with fear to anything new indicating that they're in

[00:01:16] a chronic state of mild alarm. Children are faced with new things all the time that naturally

[00:01:22] inspire a little anxiety, a little fear. So it's normal for them to feel some worry as they approach

[00:01:29] a new thing. The goal for your child is not to feel fearless, that would be impossible and

[00:01:34] probably evidence of poor judgment. The goal is for your child to feel that fear and face

[00:01:41] the situation and do that thing anyway. If your child can do this, then they are feeling the normal

[00:01:47] anxiety that everybody feels in the course of life and they're handling it in a healthy manner.

[00:01:53] Children who are often anxious have a chronically activated alarm system.

[00:01:58] They need support to notice the thoughts that are triggering them

[00:02:01] so that they can learn to manage those thoughts. Children learn to coach themselves

[00:02:05] through anxiety producing situations by the way you coach them and they gain the

[00:02:10] confidence to handle new situations by having the experience of facing anxiety-inducing situations

[00:02:16] and coming through them. How can children learn to tolerate the discomfort of facing

[00:02:21] anxiety-inducing events? Your child feels your support so they can do this hard thing.

[00:02:27] How can you support your child when they feel anxious?

[00:02:31] Number one, listen and empathize. I see how much that worries you. Tell me more.

[00:02:38] Hmm, that does sound a little scary. What would be the worst thing about that?

[00:02:43] Number two, teach your child how anxiety works and about the neurological feedback loop that can

[00:02:50] make anxiety escalate. Here's how it works. We have a thought that makes us feel a bit anxious,

[00:02:56] like everyone is looking at me. That thought causes us to shift into a state of emergency

[00:03:02] and we begin to rev up for flight or freeze. Those physical changes might include sweating or

[00:03:08] nausea or a strong urge to run and hide. As we notice the physical signs of anxiety,

[00:03:14] our brain recognizes them as signs that we are in danger. That scares us even more.

[00:03:19] The brain and body keep sending each other escalating messages

[00:03:23] and the feeling of danger begins to spiral. What if people notice that I'm sweating?

[00:03:28] What if I throw up and we begin to panic? Number three, teach your child that worry is just trying

[00:03:35] to keep them safe but they don't need to listen to it. Worry wants to keep your child safe at all

[00:03:41] costs and happiness is not part of its job description so it would like to keep your child

[00:03:47] in a box so that no danger could get in but that would mean no fun, no growth, no real life.

[00:03:54] Worry exaggerates and threatens with worst-case scenarios that are unlikely to happen.

[00:04:00] Teach your child to stand up to worries by using the net approach.

[00:04:04] Notice the worry that is scaring you and normalize it. It's okay to feel worry,

[00:04:09] it's normal. Everyone feels worry sometimes. It's nothing to worry about.

[00:04:14] Externalize the worry. The worry is not part of you. You can choose whether to have it.

[00:04:20] If this is a problem you can solve right now, do it. If this cannot be solved,

[00:04:26] then it is just noise like a watchdog barking. There's no immediate problem.

[00:04:32] If one arises, you will handle it and dispute the worry. Since worry is about the future,

[00:04:39] it's never necessarily true. You can feel the fear and do it anyway. It's okay to

[00:04:45] feel uncomfortable. That's often how we learn. You can handle whatever happens.

[00:04:50] Your child may find it easier to externalize the worry if they call the worry by a name,

[00:04:55] such as Ned or Nervous Nelly or The Worry Monster.

[00:05:00] Number 4. Teach your child strategies to manage the physical feelings of anxiety.

[00:05:06] Research has shown that slow, deep breathing that lengthens the outbreath

[00:05:11] is calming to the nervous system and can stop the flood of stress hormones.

[00:05:15] After all, if a tiger was chasing you, you wouldn't stop to calmly breathe.

[00:05:20] A big hug from a safe person has a similar effect. In fact, scientists have identified many

[00:05:26] strategies that work to calm the body when it feels anxious. Brain storm with your child

[00:05:32] to come up with a list of calming strategies to try so that your child can develop a short

[00:05:36] list of their favorites. An calming strategy that your child uses consistently will become

[00:05:42] increasingly effective and will actually retrain the nervous system so that it recovers more quickly

[00:05:47] from stress. Number 5. Titrate. How can children learn to tolerate the discomfort of facing

[00:05:54] anxiety-inducing events? You titrate in small doses, meaning that you start with smaller

[00:06:00] challenges so your child can be successful. You break bigger challenges down into smaller

[00:06:05] steps and take them one step at a time and celebrate every victory. For a child to learn

[00:06:10] that they can handle something scary, they need to actually have handled scary things in the past.

[00:06:16] So instead of rescuing your child when they're uncomfortable, support them through it. Be their

[00:06:21] backup. Reassure them. Help them brainstorm. Learning that they can tolerate the discomfort

[00:06:27] of feeling a bit anxious and that things work out helps children become less anxious

[00:06:32] because they begin to gain the confidence that they can handle whatever happens.

[00:06:37] So, if your child is afraid of riding a bike, you don't get impatient or angry and you don't

[00:06:42] belittle them. You run alongside holding up the bike. You go very slowly at first, gradually

[00:06:49] you make it possible for them to be brave enough to put their feet on the pedals,

[00:06:52] and eventually to ask you to let go. They learn one step at a time, little by little bit.

[00:06:59] I did something scary and I feel brave now. Every time you support them gradually to do

[00:07:04] something anxiety producing, your child learns that they are a person who can be courageous

[00:07:10] in the face of fear and who can handle what life throws at them and manage somehow to get

[00:07:15] through it and maybe even to grow from it. So give your child all the support in the world

[00:07:21] but also believe in their ability to handle it. This approach builds your child's tolerance

[00:07:26] for the uncomfortable physical sensations that come with fear. They learn to tolerate those

[00:07:31] sensations without getting more anxious and that retrains the nervous system.

[00:07:37] Number six, decrease anxiety with emotional preventative maintenance. When humans repress

[00:07:43] emotions, those emotions don't go away. They get locked in the body, increasing tension

[00:07:49] and they're always looking to bubble up to the surface to be felt and expressed and healed.

[00:07:54] So children need daily emotional preventative maintenance to give them a chance to feel safe

[00:07:59] enough to feel and express their emotions. This is especially important if a child has

[00:08:05] some emotions that they did not feel safe to express at some point in the past

[00:08:09] that have been locked away in their emotional backpack. Empathy 24-7, it creates the safety

[00:08:15] that is essential for emotional expression. Laughter and rough housing changes the body

[00:08:21] chemistry to decrease the stress hormones that contribute to anxiety. Children who tend to be

[00:08:26] more anxious need lots of laughter daily. One-on-one time with you, it strengthens safety and offers

[00:08:33] opportunity for emotional expression and working through whatever worries the child

[00:08:38] and welcoming emotions. When you allow all emotions to be expressed even while you prohibit

[00:08:44] certain behaviors like hitting or destroying property your child empties their emotional

[00:08:49] backpack and becomes less anxious. Routines that include regular opportunities for connection,

[00:08:55] they allow your child to count on a time to tell you upsetting things and be heard.

[00:09:00] And number seven, teach your child strategies to manage the human mind's tendency to worry

[00:09:06] and negativity. The human mind is constantly drawing conclusions about life and often it

[00:09:13] gets into negative patterns. We can break those patterns by becoming more aware of our

[00:09:18] thoughts and by challenging the negative or fearful ones. Remember, just because your mind

[00:09:24] thinks something does not mean it's true and any thought about the future is not true just because

[00:09:30] it may or may not happen. We can perceive ourselves as being safe in the world even when life is

[00:09:36] unpredictable. We do that by realizing that we can handle whatever happens. Handling anxiety

[00:09:42] begins by normalizing it. It's predictable that we will feel some fear when we do hard

[00:09:47] things but deciding that we won't let it stop us. Anxiety is not actually dangerous,

[00:09:53] it's our response to the anxiety that cripples us. What if we taught our children simply to notice

[00:09:59] when they felt anxious? What if we told them being a bit anxious is normal, it's okay to feel

[00:10:05] uncomfortable, you are big enough inside to handle this. What strategies can you use to handle

[00:10:11] this? What if we taught our children that they can feel the fear and do it anyway?

[00:10:21] You just listened to the post titled Helping Your Child with Anxiety by Dr. Laura Markham

[00:10:27] of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com and be sure to stick around for my commentary right after this.

[00:10:34] And thank you so much to Dr. Laura for this post. What she was talking about in her fifth bullet

[00:10:39] point, tight trading, was really interesting to me. It reminded me of a popular cognitive

[00:10:45] behavioral technique that you might consider using either for yourself or your child and it's

[00:10:51] called the exposure hierarchy. So let's go back to that example about a child who might be fearful

[00:10:57] of riding a bike. If riding a bike gives them a 10 level of anxiety from one to ten, try to

[00:11:03] figure out the level of anxiety from one through nine when considering the steps on route to riding

[00:11:10] a bike. So for example, if riding a bike is a 10 level of anxiety, the most anxiety, maybe riding

[00:11:18] a tricycle is a one and just going into the garage and looking at the bike is a four. Maybe sitting

[00:11:25] on the bike but not riding it is a seven. It'd be up to you to ask your child how they feel

[00:11:30] between a one and a 10 throughout all the steps that proceed actually riding on the bike.

[00:11:34] And the idea is to start at the lowest level of anxiety and day by day, continue to push up

[00:11:40] to more challenging prerequisites of bike riding as they get more comfortable and as you make

[00:11:45] necessary modifications along the way like maybe a new helmet or a new bike route,

[00:11:50] you pushing them versus not pushing them etc. So think about how to integrate that technique

[00:11:56] and all of this article's teachings. It's time to wrap things up for today now though everybody.

[00:12:01] I appreciate you stopping in and taking the time and be sure to do the same tomorrow in

[00:12:05] which we will cover another parenting post. That's where your optimal life awaits.