2153: Which is More Important, Your Marriage or Your Children? by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Complex Human Connections

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[00:00:59] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2153.

[00:01:03] Which is more important, your marriage or your children?

[00:01:07] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr. KellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:10] Hello, everybody and welcome back to ORD.

[00:01:14] I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino, here reading to you from and offering commentary

[00:01:19] on different articles each day, articles that discuss relationships and how to build

[00:01:23] strong ones in your own life.

[00:01:26] Today's article is really interesting to me, very daring and very honest.

[00:01:30] So listen closely as we get into it now and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:38] Which is more important, your marriage or your children?

[00:01:41] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr. KellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:46] One of my posts about marriage was once picked up by the Huffington Post and went

[00:01:50] viral.

[00:01:51] In it I wrote,

[00:01:53] Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never

[00:01:57] be less important.

[00:01:59] My statement is about the constant ongoing work of finding the balance.

[00:02:03] I expected it to be an unpopular statement, but as the conversation unfolded, some people

[00:02:09] said,

[00:02:10] He's right, your marriage is more important.

[00:02:12] And others said,

[00:02:14] He's right, your children are more important.

[00:02:17] My statement had become like a Rorschach-Inkblot test.

[00:02:21] Everybody projected their own beliefs onto it.

[00:02:23] Or rather, everybody projected their way of thinking onto it.

[00:02:27] The way we think.

[00:02:29] We are trained to think dualistically.

[00:02:32] We are trained to think in black and white.

[00:02:34] We are trained to think in either or categories.

[00:02:38] As children, we're taught to think of good guys versus bad guys, friends versus

[00:02:42] enemies, jocks versus nerds.

[00:02:45] As we grow older, our either or thinking usually grows bigger, and it usually grows

[00:02:50] into political and religious dualism.

[00:02:53] We separate people into groups and then separate ourselves from them.

[00:02:57] Over the centuries, our either or thinking has served a survival function.

[00:03:02] When we think dualistically, we can make quick judgments and snap decisions.

[00:03:06] We can rank people to decide who is safe and who isn't.

[00:03:09] We can prioritize who is most important and who is less so.

[00:03:14] We can decide who matters and who doesn't.

[00:03:17] About six weeks after the marriage post went viral, I was at the gym, and three

[00:03:21] different televisions were broadcasting the inevitable consequences of our either

[00:03:25] or thinking.

[00:03:27] Screen one, Ferguson, Missouri.

[00:03:30] The dualism of white skin and black skin, powerful and powerless, dead kids

[00:03:35] and businesses burning to the ground.

[00:03:37] Screen two, ISIS on a rampage, religious dualism taken to a level of rage

[00:03:43] and terror that is almost unimaginable.

[00:03:46] Screen three, one of my childhood good guys now turned bad guy.

[00:03:51] The dualism of predator and prey played out over decades.

[00:03:55] I looked at the screens and thought, this world is in big trouble.

[00:03:59] And then I thought, we need a place where we can be trained in non-dualism,

[00:04:05] where we can learn to exchange either or for both and.

[00:04:09] And finally, I thought, we already have such a place.

[00:04:14] It's called marriage.

[00:04:15] It's called family.

[00:04:17] The way we might see.

[00:04:19] As my wife and I approached our wedding altar, two small candles were burning.

[00:04:24] And as the ceremony progressed, we took part in an ancient ritual, the unity candle.

[00:04:30] We each took one of the individual candles and together we lit the unity candle,

[00:04:35] symbolizing two becoming one.

[00:04:37] However, instead of blowing out the individual candles,

[00:04:41] we placed them back on their stands as they continued to burn next to the unity candle.

[00:04:46] We wanted to symbolize that in marriage, two become one, yet also remain two.

[00:04:52] Not either or, both and.

[00:04:55] Marriage is meant to disrupt our dualism.

[00:04:58] Two souls come together in a mysterious joining.

[00:05:01] Two people pledge themselves to one love and one purpose,

[00:05:05] yet remain separate people with their own thoughts, beliefs, dreams, and desires.

[00:05:10] One, but not one.

[00:05:13] Unified, but separate.

[00:05:15] The same, but different.

[00:05:17] It kind of messes with your head, doesn't it?

[00:05:19] It's supposed to.

[00:05:21] It's supposed to mess with your head and open up your heart,

[00:05:24] because our minds tend to think in either or,

[00:05:27] while our hearts tend to see in both and.

[00:05:30] In marriage, our hearts are given the freedom to stop choosing and start including.

[00:05:36] Am I most important?

[00:05:37] Yes.

[00:05:38] Is she most important?

[00:05:40] Yes.

[00:05:41] Are we most important?

[00:05:43] Yes.

[00:05:45] People say marriage is hard work, and they're right.

[00:05:48] It is hard work to quiet our dualistic minds and to let our hearts reveal,

[00:05:52] over many spinning years, the truth of this radical inclusiveness.

[00:05:58] It is a hard work that prepares us for welcoming our children

[00:06:01] into the same kind of both-and unity.

[00:06:05] What if we had a unity candle ceremony for our families too?

[00:06:09] Each child would have their own individual candle,

[00:06:12] and as every member dipped his or her flame into the unity wick,

[00:06:15] the message would be sent,

[00:06:17] You are an integral part of this wild adventure we call family.

[00:06:21] You are more, not less.

[00:06:24] You are equal, and you are equally loved.

[00:06:27] The way this world might heal.

[00:06:30] I don't think we've fully embraced the radical, transformative power

[00:06:34] of families who are learning to live in the both-and,

[00:06:37] who are striving to love everybody first.

[00:06:39] Can you imagine a world in which an entire generation of children,

[00:06:43] when asked who mattered the most in your family,

[00:06:46] could sincerely answer, we all did?

[00:06:49] Can you imagine a generation of kids growing into a generation of adults

[00:06:54] who, when asked, and who matters the most in this world,

[00:06:57] could answer, we all do.

[00:06:59] I do.

[00:07:00] You do.

[00:07:02] We all do.

[00:07:03] Ferguson.

[00:07:04] ISIS.

[00:07:06] Cosby.

[00:07:07] This stuff doesn't get better overnight.

[00:07:09] It gets better one generation at a time,

[00:07:12] as one generation after another learns through the family experience

[00:07:16] that we are all worthy of love and belonging,

[00:07:18] that we are all important enough to warrant the hard but essential work

[00:07:22] of valuing everybody with hearts of unity rather than minds of duality.

[00:07:28] Which is more important, your marriage or your children?

[00:07:31] It's the wrong question.

[00:07:33] The question we need to begin asking

[00:07:36] is how do our families become a training ground

[00:07:40] for mutuality and kinship

[00:07:42] and a love that elevates everyone to equal importance?

[00:07:46] How do we trade in our dividing minds for our unifying hearts?

[00:07:51] How do we live from there

[00:07:53] so that one day we might become a people who can welcome everyone home?

[00:07:58] With equal joy.

[00:08:03] You just listened to the post titled

[00:08:05] Which is More Important, Your Marriage or Your Children?

[00:08:09] by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com

[00:08:13] And be sure to hang around for my comments right after this.

[00:08:43] Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

[00:08:46] And thank you so much to Dr. Kelly

[00:08:49] for once again encouraging us to think deeply about marriage,

[00:08:52] how we approach it and in this case,

[00:08:54] how it can affect our presence outside of the home as well.

[00:08:58] This article really hit home for me.

[00:09:00] You know, one principle I really try to live by

[00:09:03] is the emphasis of thinking about the gray area.

[00:09:06] Making room for the exceptions and complications of all matters,

[00:09:09] seeing how they all connect.

[00:09:12] No, it doesn't always provide us with

[00:09:14] what feels like a concrete answer or means of sorting things

[00:09:18] and the perception of safety that can come with that.

[00:09:21] But if we choose to take this more honest approach

[00:09:25] in favor of feeling more definitive about life's questions,

[00:09:29] I do believe we unlock a greater sense of peace

[00:09:32] along with that greater sense of reality.

[00:09:35] And the peace comes from surrendering to our lack of answers.

[00:09:39] We can make educated guesses and estimates

[00:09:41] that help us get through our daily lives,

[00:09:43] but we needn't become more attached to them

[00:09:46] than we are to the truth of just not knowing.

[00:09:49] And over time, the sense of peace that comes with that.

[00:09:53] I know this turned into a bit of a tangent for me

[00:09:55] and I'll step off my soapbox now,

[00:09:57] but Dr. Kelly has touched on some serious matters today

[00:10:00] and it is well worth your time to see

[00:10:02] how his words can influence some very strong opinions

[00:10:05] that you might hold.

[00:10:06] I wish you luck with that everyone.

[00:10:08] It is time to sign off for today however.

[00:10:10] Thank you so much for being here.

[00:10:12] Thank you for questioning.

[00:10:14] Thank you for doing right by your relationships.

[00:10:16] Enjoy the rest of your weekend

[00:10:18] and be sure to come back and start a new week

[00:10:19] with us tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.