2154: Let's Start Judging Everyone Around Us by James Altucher on How to Create Better Relationships

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2154. Let's start judging everyone around us,

[00:00:07] by James Altucher of JamesAltucher.com. Hello everybody, happy Monday and thanks a

[00:00:13] lot for starting your week here with us at ORD. I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator.

[00:00:18] Really grateful to be here with you once again on the show that's all about building

[00:00:21] better relationships each and every day in about 10 minutes. And helping us do that

[00:00:26] this time is James Altucher and his words of wisdom about judgment. Let's see if he can help

[00:00:31] us release the judgments we put on others and ourselves as we dive into the article now and

[00:00:36] start optimizing your life. Let's start judging everyone around us, by James Altucher of

[00:00:46] JamesAltucher.com. A friend of mine ran over someone, then drove away from the crime. He'd

[00:00:54] been drinking. Later he was arrested. It was on the news, which is how I found out.

[00:01:00] I asked him what happened and he said he would tell me sometime. I asked him what was going to

[00:01:05] happen to him. I'm going to go to jail, he said. A few months earlier we were in the same

[00:01:11] city and got together. He had a drink. We played a game or two of chess. He seemed happy.

[00:01:18] He had a girlfriend. He was going to ask her to marry him. I didn't ask him after the accident

[00:01:24] if he still had the same girlfriend or if he was going to get married. His life was on a

[00:01:28] different track now. Sometimes I'm on my usual train ride and I see those stations that we pass

[00:01:34] at blinding speed, and I sometimes think, what's at this station? What happens if I get out

[00:01:40] over here? If I leave the station and walk onto the streets and rent an apartment and work

[00:01:46] in the hardware store and just never go back to where the train was going or where the train

[00:01:50] was coming from? If I make new friends and we play dominoes on the sidewalk and listen to music

[00:01:56] coming out of our open cars, what happens if I just disappear? A new life, an alternate life

[00:02:03] I can get lost in and start over. My friend and I agreed to meet again. I was going to his

[00:02:09] city in a few months, but I didn't show up and he called me a few times and I didn't

[00:02:14] answer. I don't know why. I felt bad about it. I got busy and I didn't call him back

[00:02:21] and I didn't meet him, and he was getting angrier and angrier on the phone. That was it.

[00:02:27] About a year or so later I got a call from him. He apologized for getting angry.

[00:02:32] I apologized for not meeting him that time. I still don't know why I didn't meet him.

[00:02:38] Sometimes I'm afraid of dealing with uncomfortable things, and I feel worse and

[00:02:42] I don't respond, and that makes me feel even worse. And then the situation usually goes away

[00:02:48] and I forget it. I didn't ask him if he had gone to jail or if he was going.

[00:02:54] That also seemed off track. He apologized and he thanked me for all I did for him

[00:02:59] and for standing by him when everyone who had been his friend started trashing him all over

[00:03:03] social media after his accident. Good people sometimes do bad things. I shouldn't say sometimes,

[00:03:10] I should say often. I should say I often do bad things, since I can't speak for others.

[00:03:17] A few weeks ago I had a great guest on my podcast. He's building rockets to go to the

[00:03:22] moon to find minerals that can solve all the energy problems on the planet Earth.

[00:03:27] Someone wrote to me. This someone said,

[00:03:30] How could you even talk to him? He did this, this and this in 1998.

[00:03:35] That was many years ago, I said. I lost a lot of money because of him back then.

[00:03:40] They replied. He's trying to save the entire world right now, I said.

[00:03:46] Still. And recently a friend of mine was a little upset at me. I'm not sure why.

[00:03:52] She wrote a post saying, Maybe instead of choosing ourselves we should be out there

[00:03:57] helping more people and not being selfish. I did not argue with her. But only someone who

[00:04:04] is happy and strong can help people who are unhappy and less strong. You only get energy

[00:04:09] from your own inner well-being. Inner well-being comes when you aren't sick,

[00:04:14] when you are around people who love you, when you're creative and when you're grateful.

[00:04:19] This is choosing yourself. Judging others is the opposite of choosing yourself.

[00:04:24] It's trying to force a world where they are chosen by you. That won't work.

[00:04:29] People do things and I have to surrender to what they did. Everyone around us deals the cards.

[00:04:35] But only I get to play the cards I was dealt. Nobody can play them for me.

[00:04:40] I wrote to her a few months later when other people were saying bad things about her.

[00:04:45] Because that's the way it goes. Everything cycles if you wait.

[00:04:48] I told her I really admired her last book and she was doing good things for people.

[00:04:53] I guess deep down I wanted her to like me. And she did. She wrote back and said,

[00:04:59] I really needed to hear that right now. Thanks.

[00:05:02] There's a huge gap between where we are in life right now and all of the dreams and visions we

[00:05:07] have for ourselves. That gap makes us human. The job of being human never ends because we are

[00:05:14] always looking for ways to close that gap. And along the way we get scared. What if we

[00:05:19] never close that gap? What if I never become the person in my dreams? And then we get angry,

[00:05:25] because anger is the winter coat that keeps the fear warm in the coldest storm. It's a blizzard,

[00:05:32] and as we take one step at a time, we can't even see two feet in front of us.

[00:05:37] I didn't ask my friend if the guy he ran over was okay. I didn't ask my other friend if

[00:05:42] the accusations against her were true. And I didn't ask my other friend about 1998.

[00:05:48] In 1998 I did some bad things also. I'm glad nobody's emailing me about them.

[00:05:53] Except the woman I loved then, who didn't love me back.

[00:05:56] We are most human when we love each other and support each other and don't provide judgments.

[00:06:02] I'm just trying to survive this life from beginning to end. I only have this life.

[00:06:07] I can't compare it with an alternative life where all my desires are met.

[00:06:12] This is it. I can't waste it on craving the dreams that are too far away.

[00:06:17] That's the fastest way to get burnt out and run out of energy.

[00:06:20] Which is the fastest way to die because it's difficult to refuel.

[00:06:24] Only then, when it's too late, will I realize I won't get another chance.

[00:06:29] Other than the magnificent choices I can make today.

[00:06:37] You just listened to the post titled, Let's start judging everyone around us

[00:06:42] by James Altucher of JamesAltucher.com. And be sure to stick around for my commentary

[00:06:47] right after this.

[00:06:53] And thanks a lot to James for this post. One that I think I had quite a few great

[00:07:22] takeaways. And for me the biggest one is forgiveness. Forgiveness of oneself and others.

[00:07:28] The way James describes his behavior towards both of his friends,

[00:07:32] behavior which he might have initially found to be regrettable,

[00:07:35] really just shines light on the mistakes that all of us make.

[00:07:39] And it's funny because we all know this to be true of ourselves and others,

[00:07:43] but in the heat of the moment when perhaps we're feeling offended ourselves or offended

[00:07:48] on behalf of someone else, this truth leaves us temporarily and we find it easier to sort people

[00:07:55] by making their mistakes out to be bigger than they are so we can identify them as threats

[00:07:59] and make more sense of who they are and how to act towards them.

[00:08:03] But this turns into creating even harsher judgments which of course are felt by others

[00:08:08] and being that they might experience the same sensation of feeling offended

[00:08:12] and then sorting accordingly, the separation between us becomes stronger and stronger,

[00:08:17] entering into a really bad cycle. So I think the work for anyone hearing this today

[00:08:22] is to think hard about the labels we might have put on ourselves or others based on

[00:08:27] mere infractions. Did our hurt allow us to create more of a monster than was ever there?

[00:08:33] And is it possible that we could change our opinions and maybe see these people in a new

[00:08:38] light based on many of their positive qualities and intentions that we've ignored up to this

[00:08:43] point? I wish you luck with that self questioning everyone as we wrap up today's episode and leave

[00:08:48] you to it. Thank you so much for being here and doing the work each and every day. I assure

[00:08:52] you it is very inspiring to all of us here at OLD to see you show up and put the work in.

[00:08:58] Enjoy the start to your week and we look forward to seeing you again tomorrow

[00:09:01] where your optimal life awaits.