2157: Carving Out Time For Your Spouse AND Planning A Summer Vacation The Whole Family Can Enjoy by Julie Morgenstern

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[00:00:58] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2157.

[00:01:03] Carving out time for your spouse.

[00:01:06] And planning a summer vacation the whole family can enjoy by Julie Morgenstern of JulieMorgenstern.com.

[00:01:14] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD, this time for another Parenting Post.

[00:01:19] Oh well too actually.

[00:01:21] I am Greg Audino, your host and narrator.

[00:01:24] And yes this time I have two short posts for you as opposed to one standard length one.

[00:01:29] These come from Parenting and Productivity Pro Julie Morgenstern, so let's hear her combine

[00:01:34] her talents today as we optimize your life.

[00:01:41] Carving out time for your spouse by Julie Morgenstern of JulieMorgenstern.com.

[00:01:48] The scene.

[00:01:49] You're finally alone with your spouse, out for a nice dinner, and all you can

[00:01:53] talk about are the kids.

[00:01:55] Did you talk to Miss So-and-So about the science project?

[00:01:58] Are you taking them to piano lessons on Saturday or am I?

[00:02:02] We have to figure out what camps we're doing this summer.

[00:02:05] Can you believe that hilarious thing they did last night?

[00:02:08] Once you have children it's almost as if you forget how to have a real adult conversation.

[00:02:14] It's so easy to revert to talking about kid logistics, or kid activities, or kid anything.

[00:02:20] But that comes at a cost, to the sense of connection you have with your significant

[00:02:24] other.

[00:02:25] One of the key principles of my book, Time to Parent, is that taking care of yourself

[00:02:30] is essential to your ability to care for your child.

[00:02:34] Deep connections to your significant other and close friends are nourishing and satisfying

[00:02:39] in a different way than the love and affinity you feel for your children.

[00:02:43] Being a parent is not the only thing you are, right?

[00:02:46] It's also not what brought you and your spouse together to begin with.

[00:02:50] For the health of your relationship and your own well-being, it's essential to make

[00:02:54] time for each other with no kids involved.

[00:02:57] And once you've squared away that time, to protect it as sacred, separate and apart

[00:03:03] from your lives and identities as parents.

[00:03:06] Here are 5 ideas to get you started.

[00:03:09] Number 1.

[00:03:10] Discuss as many logistics as you can over email.

[00:03:14] One couple I know takes care of as many kid and household logistics as possible over

[00:03:18] email.

[00:03:20] This includes who's picking up who and when, who's ordering new car seats, last-minute

[00:03:25] grocery lists, scheduling changes which they put into a shared family Google calendar.

[00:03:30] It means they don't spend the time they do have face to face talking logistics.

[00:03:35] It also creates a record of what they decided.

[00:03:38] Number 2.

[00:03:39] Baby-sitters are an important investment.

[00:03:42] I get it.

[00:03:43] Baby-sitters are expensive.

[00:03:45] Start thinking of your sitter as an investment in your marriage.

[00:03:49] The $40 or $80 or $100 spent is worth it if it means creating the space for a quality connection.

[00:03:56] Once you're out, kid-related topics are off limits.

[00:03:59] Number 3.

[00:04:01] The magic of daydates.

[00:04:03] Instead of going out in the evening, do something with your spouse during the day

[00:04:07] when you already have childcare lined up for the kids.

[00:04:10] Sure, you may need to take a personal or vacation day to make it happen, but what

[00:04:14] better way to spend that time than a day-long date?

[00:04:17] Go to the beach, take a walk through the city, go on a long bike ride.

[00:04:22] And if taking a full day off just isn't possible, how about a lunch or late afternoon coffee date?

[00:04:28] Number 4.

[00:04:30] Find your daily glue.

[00:04:32] Couples who manage to stay connected in the throes of child-rearing find ways to keep

[00:04:36] in touch in little ways throughout the workday.

[00:04:39] Aim for three to five different points of connection during the day.

[00:04:43] It could be an email, a quick text exchange, a couple of short phone calls.

[00:04:48] Those tiny connection points will make it easier for you to connect in person and at home.

[00:04:53] It also feels good to have someone who knows what your daily existence is like.

[00:04:58] And number 5.

[00:04:59] Do the dishes together.

[00:05:01] Some couples prefer to split up the nightly duties, one parent cleans up from dinner

[00:05:05] while the other honchos getting the kids ready for bed.

[00:05:09] But if time with their significant other is hard to come by, consider doing the

[00:05:12] dishes together after the kids are asleep.

[00:05:15] Washing and drying dishes isn't exactly a romantic outing, but it is 20 to 25 minutes

[00:05:21] of undistracted time you can spend together.

[00:05:24] Do that a couple of times a week and you're likely to feel much more connected.

[00:05:28] A 75-year study at Harvard University, known as the Grant Study, found that strong

[00:05:33] relationships are the most important ingredient to well-being over a long life.

[00:05:38] Having quality time alone with your significant other is good for you and your kids.

[00:05:48] Planning a summer vacation the whole family can enjoy by Julie Morgenstern of juliemorgenstern.com

[00:05:56] For many families, summer is the most relaxing of all seasons.

[00:06:00] Without the hustle and bustle of school year schedules and homework, everyone has

[00:06:04] an easier time relaxing and living in the moment.

[00:06:07] Family vacations are a wonderful way for kids and parents to spend quality time

[00:06:11] together.

[00:06:12] It's time to create the space for deeper conversations that may feel too rushed in everyday life.

[00:06:18] You'll also create shared memories that become part of your history as a family.

[00:06:23] So whether you are getting out of town or planning a staycation, here's how to spend

[00:06:27] your time in ways the whole family will enjoy.

[00:06:31] Number 1.

[00:06:32] Do activities that are of interest to your kids.

[00:06:35] Sure, this is a given, but it doesn't mean you should spend your summer vacation

[00:06:39] chasing Pokemon if that is what your kid likes to do.

[00:06:43] This is your vacation too after all.

[00:06:45] It does mean you should incorporate your kids' interests into your plans and not assume they'll

[00:06:49] be happy going along with whatever the adults want to do.

[00:06:53] Build in something kid-centric every day that your children can look forward to,

[00:06:57] whether it's an hour at the park, a trip to the batting cages, or a kid choice

[00:07:01] movie night to keep everyone happy.

[00:07:04] Commit as a family two activities that are important to your children and experience

[00:07:08] it through their eyes.

[00:07:10] Number 2.

[00:07:12] Discover something new together.

[00:07:14] Make a point to do something on vacation that you've never done before.

[00:07:18] Expose the whole family to a new experience, a cultural event, nature walk, learning how

[00:07:23] to make cotton candy.

[00:07:25] Family adventures big or small will give you a window as a parent into what makes your

[00:07:29] kids laugh, what excites them and how they interact with the world.

[00:07:34] There's something more engaging for everybody about a new adventure.

[00:07:38] Number 3.

[00:07:39] Be spontaneous.

[00:07:41] The surprise factor goes a long way in creating memories on summer vacation and in regular

[00:07:46] life.

[00:07:47] Two child development experts, Annie Plachette Murphy and Lauren Steinberg, say the most

[00:07:53] memorable moments from childhood aren't expensive vacations or fancy dinners.

[00:07:57] They are the little surprises such as, let's go get a nice cream cone before dinner

[00:08:03] or let's go to the park in our pajamas.

[00:08:06] How can you bend the rules or shake things up?

[00:08:09] Letting go and really relaxing can be a hard thing for many parents.

[00:08:13] When you're used to keeping a bunch of balls in the air, it can feel scary to let a few

[00:08:17] balls, say strict bedtimes or healthy dinners, drop for the week.

[00:08:22] My advice?

[00:08:23] Go easy on yourself.

[00:08:25] One of the benefits of creating strong family routines is that you can be flexible

[00:08:30] and completely ignore them every so often.

[00:08:32] So don't worry, you'll be able to get everyone back on track when you need to.

[00:08:37] Just let go and enjoy.

[00:08:43] You just listened to the posts titled Carving Out Time for Your Spouse and Planning a Summer

[00:08:49] Vacation The Whole Family Can Enjoy by Julie Morgenstern of JulieMorgenstern.com and

[00:08:56] be sure to stick around for my commentary in just a minute.

[00:08:59] And a big thank you to Julie for these posts.

[00:09:02] I especially like how the second one gave us that, that hint of summer that's right

[00:09:06] around the corner.

[00:09:07] It's nice to start planning for it, isn't it?

[00:09:09] But it is actually the first post of hers today that I want to comment on.

[00:09:14] It's a great article that I really agree with in principle.

[00:09:17] But at the same time, while I was reading it, all I could think about was this one

[00:09:20] couple I know who they really love one another and they really love their young kids

[00:09:25] ages five and three right now.

[00:09:27] And they're currently in this space in which they have no desire to like socialize

[00:09:32] as much with friends, I mean, with and reason or pursue separate interests or have

[00:09:38] really much time together without the kids.

[00:09:41] And they really love the time with their kids and are acutely aware of how

[00:09:45] precious this time is in which they're so young.

[00:09:48] And I really get the sense that it is not fear or scarcity that's driving

[00:09:52] their decisions, but rather just genuine gratitude for this period they

[00:09:55] have while they have it.

[00:09:57] And maybe this will change in them over time and they will find themselves

[00:10:01] craving more alone time.

[00:10:03] But right now a post like this is just not for them and it's not for everyone.

[00:10:10] So I hope that if you are here today and are feeling like my friends do right

[00:10:14] now, don't feel as though even a great article like this has to muscle

[00:10:19] you into a lifestyle or a means of allocating your time that you really

[00:10:23] aren't all that interested in.

[00:10:25] You know, not all the content we share will be right for you at all times,

[00:10:30] but it is nice to stay open to all of it so that we can understand what drives

[00:10:33] others and also stay receptive to any changes that we might undergo in the

[00:10:37] future.

[00:10:38] But that's it for me today, everyone.

[00:10:40] Thanks a lot for being here in this two for one parents.

[00:10:43] And if you enjoyed it, do be sure to come back again tomorrow because

[00:10:46] we'll be featuring another parenting article then.

[00:10:49] That's where your optimal life awaits.