2158: Parents - Start with Love by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of Parents Letting Go on Building Lasting, Secure Relationships

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2158. Parents Start With Love by

[00:01:05] Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of parentslettinggo.com. Hello everybody and thank you so

[00:01:10] much for joining ORD once again. I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino.

[00:01:15] Welcome to the show that's all about building better relationships,

[00:01:18] everybody. We cover marriage, dating, friendship, and the like on Saturday

[00:01:22] through Wednesday. But Thursday and Friday is focused on parenting

[00:01:26] content specifically. So with that, we have a great one to share from Dr.

[00:01:29] Jack Stoltzfuss today. Let's get to it and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:37] Parents Start With Love by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of parentslettinggo.com.

[00:01:44] Quote, I have decided to discontinue my relationship and any contact with my

[00:01:49] father. I have tried to please him all my life by achieving excellent

[00:01:54] grades in school, graduating with a business degree and becoming a

[00:01:58] successful accountant. But it was never enough. You always would find some way I

[00:02:03] didn't quite measure up. I can't face him anymore because it is too

[00:02:07] painful." End quote. This young man, now in his 40s, has decided on a path of

[00:02:14] estrangement with his father to avoid the wounding he had known throughout

[00:02:18] his childhood. The first practice to a successful launch is unconditional

[00:02:23] love. The first practice that every parent needs to employ or strengthen is to

[00:02:28] show in word and action that their adult child is loved, not because of

[00:02:33] anything they do but because of who they are, a son or a daughter. The

[00:02:38] message needs to be, no matter what you say or do, I will never stop loving

[00:02:43] you. Nothing can stand in the way of my love for you. As parents, we are

[00:02:48] wired to love our kids and express this no matter what. Sue Klebald, mother of

[00:02:54] Dylan Klebald, one of the Columbine school shooters, said in her book A Mother's

[00:02:59] Reckoning, even in the face of this horrendous act, I couldn't stop loving

[00:03:04] my son. We must also express love for our kids by showing that we see them

[00:03:09] and they matter. We see them and they know we see them for who they are,

[00:03:14] especially their gifts. These are gifts not of accomplishment but are part of

[00:03:19] their DNA, caring, creative, outgoing, honest, resilient, thoughtful, sensitive,

[00:03:27] considerate, etc. These gifts come from the inside and deserve as much or more

[00:03:34] of a trophy or recognition as accomplishments in sports, academics,

[00:03:38] or other endeavors. We need to affirm these gifts more than the outward

[00:03:43] accomplishments. It is not that the latter aren't of value, as our society

[00:03:48] notes, but these accomplishments are transient. The father who is referenced

[00:03:53] at the beginning of this article focused on outward accomplishments but

[00:03:57] always found that his son fell short. Why did you get an A- in this course

[00:04:02] and all As in the other courses? Unfortunately, I have had too many

[00:04:06] clients in my private practice, predominantly men, who have never received

[00:04:11] this unconditional affirmation or blessing from a father. If you want to

[00:04:15] learn more about this damaging type of parenting, read The Lords of Discipline

[00:04:20] by Pat Conroy and hear his description of his father, the great Santini,

[00:04:25] who refused to give Pat any credit for his accomplishments and never

[00:04:29] affirmed his inner worth. Pat Conroy writes of the pain and sadness

[00:04:33] of his experience with his father through the use of humor, but clearly

[00:04:38] damage was done that humor could not undo. He suffered from that history,

[00:04:42] married three times and died in 2016. We must ask ourselves as parents,

[00:04:49] are we expressing this unconditional love that says you count no matter what

[00:04:53] and do we see and affirm our kids' gifts? The importance of love and

[00:04:59] affirmation. Why is it important to show and express this love and

[00:05:04] affirm to our kids, regardless of age? We may have grown up without this

[00:05:08] type of parenting and have been successful. First, it secures the

[00:05:12] relationship. By this I am referring to the experience that toddlers have

[00:05:17] of a secure attachment to the caregiving mother or father. When there

[00:05:21] is a secure attachment, the toddler explores the rooms outer edges,

[00:05:25] but periodically glances back to see if the parent is still there.

[00:05:29] The time of separation during late adolescence and young

[00:05:32] adulthood is a second period of differentiation. At this stage, the

[00:05:37] young adult explores the world outside the home, especially after

[00:05:40] earning a driver's license. Knowing that one's existence is affirmed

[00:05:44] and secure enables the young adult to move toward autonomy and

[00:05:48] self-sufficiency with confidence and a willingness to take some risks.

[00:05:52] It enables young adults to develop grit and resiliency because they

[00:05:56] know they have this base of love and support that will be there for

[00:05:59] them. When this love and affirmation aren't there, the young

[00:06:03] adult may cling to the parents as a toddler might do if insecure or

[00:06:08] worse, cut off the insecure relationship. Second, for both the

[00:06:13] parent's sake and the child's, making it very clear that they

[00:06:17] are loved fills their needs. For young adults faced with a dark

[00:06:21] time of despair and wondering if life is worth living, knowing

[00:06:25] that someone loves them regardless of their actions or

[00:06:27] circumstances may be enough to cause them to choose life. For

[00:06:32] parents, knowing we have shown our love and affirmation of our

[00:06:35] child regardless of age speaks to our heart's inner most desire.

[00:06:41] Don't wait. While finishing my degree at Madison, the

[00:06:44] University of Wisconsin, I ran a treatment center for adolescents

[00:06:48] with substance abuse and delinquency problems. In one

[00:06:52] session, with a single parent mother and her child, she

[00:06:55] became so exasperated with her 16-year-old son that she smacked

[00:06:59] him across the head. She then broke down and said she loved him

[00:07:03] so much but didn't feel she could handle him anymore and was

[00:07:06] considering sending him to his estranged father who lived in

[00:07:09] another state. She did that, and her son went to live with

[00:07:13] his father. Remarkably, her son started to do better in

[00:07:17] school and had obtained his driver's license. She called

[00:07:21] to report this good news to me. A few months later, I got

[00:07:25] a call from her and her voice betrayed a different emotion. She

[00:07:29] indicated who she was, then paused for what seemed like

[00:07:32] minutes and started sobbing. She said her son had driven

[00:07:35] through an intersection and was t-boned by another car

[00:07:38] and died instantly. As her sobbing subsided, she said that

[00:07:43] she was happy he had been turning his life around, and

[00:07:46] she was grateful for the counseling and the

[00:07:47] opportunity to express her love to her son. She took

[00:07:51] some comfort in believing he knew how much she loved

[00:07:54] him. It's always possible to send a message of

[00:07:56] unconditional love and affirmation of the gifts you see in

[00:07:59] our children, no matter their age. Don't assume, oh they know I

[00:08:04] love them, especially if the relationship is or has been

[00:08:07] strained over time. And if there are things you need to

[00:08:11] apologize for where performance was emphasized over

[00:08:14] character and could have given the impression that

[00:08:16] love was conditional, it might be time to set the

[00:08:19] record straight. If not now, when? You just listened to the

[00:08:27] post titled Parents Start With Love by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss

[00:08:33] of ParentsLettingGo.com and be sure to stick around for my

[00:08:36] commentary in just a sec. Okay and thank you very much to

[00:08:40] Dr. Jack for this post. There are a lot of reasons to

[00:08:44] like this one, let alone the sense of urgency it comes

[00:08:46] with. But one part I thought was interesting was when

[00:08:50] he mentioned that many parents may not want to show too much

[00:08:54] love and affirmation if they feel as though the degree to

[00:08:57] which it was withheld from them ultimately led to their

[00:09:00] success as an adult. But if this is you, if you are that

[00:09:04] adult, I strongly encourage you to challenge this

[00:09:08] thinking and challenge your definition of success. If

[00:09:12] you have a hard time opening up being

[00:09:14] communicative or vulnerable and showing the love you

[00:09:17] feel you might need to receive, is this true emotional

[00:09:21] success? And if you feel it is, well then are you

[00:09:26] confident enough in that that you are willing to at

[00:09:28] least try integrating more tenderness into your life

[00:09:31] with your kids? If the answer is no, you're probably

[00:09:35] more fearful than you realize of deeper intimacy

[00:09:38] than that which you've given and received so far.

[00:09:41] You can express these feelings to your children while

[00:09:44] still instilling a sense of grit that is undoubtedly

[00:09:46] important as well. I think oftentimes the fallacy comes

[00:09:50] in assuming that these are mutually exclusive parenting

[00:09:53] dynamics. So think on that today parents, it's time for me

[00:09:57] to get out of here and wrap up another episode but I

[00:09:59] thank you as always for tuning in and making this

[00:10:01] episode possible. Enjoy the rest of your day and

[00:10:04] I'll see you again tomorrow where your optimal life

[00:10:07] awaits.