2162: Why People Are Rude and Unkind (and Why It’s Not About You) by Avery Rogers with Tiny Buddha

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2162.

[00:01:02] Why people are rude and unkind. And why it's not about you.

[00:01:07] By Avery Rogers with tinybuda.com

[00:01:11] Hello everybody, and thank you so much for starting your week off with us on ORD.

[00:01:16] I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator. Great to have you here today for another episode.

[00:01:20] In this episode we'll be featuring another article from Tiny Buddha,

[00:01:24] which is focused on how our feelings about ourselves bleed into our treatment of others.

[00:01:30] It happens in many different ways, and I will expand upon that in my commentary.

[00:01:34] But for now let's jump right in and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:42] Why people are rude and unkind. And why it's not about you.

[00:01:47] By Avery Rogers with tinybuda.com

[00:01:51] Quote,

[00:01:52] How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.

[00:01:57] That's by Paulo Coelho.

[00:02:00] By nature, I am a happy, optimistic, idealistic person.

[00:02:05] I have always been one to look on the bright side and see the good in people.

[00:02:09] My usual philosophy in life is that the world is full of brightness, love, and possibilities to seize.

[00:02:16] Recently though, my philosophy began to fade in the face of a mild depression.

[00:02:21] I began to cry a lot and retreat into myself, rather than being social and opening up,

[00:02:27] which only furthered the problem.

[00:02:29] I felt alone, miserable, and try as I might, I could not regain that feeling of the world being beautiful.

[00:02:37] I felt like something had crawled into my brain and flipped all the positive switches off and the negative ones on.

[00:02:43] I felt hopeless, like it was more of a disease than a feeling.

[00:02:48] Before the depression, I was a kind, gentle, and compassionate person.

[00:02:53] Sometimes I was even too gentle, afraid to bring up anything that might offend someone else or damage our relationship.

[00:03:00] I didn't understand how other people could be mean, rude, or offensive towards strangers or friends.

[00:03:07] I took it personally when people affronted me or were curt with me,

[00:03:10] believing they were truly out to get me for something I had done.

[00:03:14] When people were mean, I figured it was a personal choice,

[00:03:18] and that it was a conscious decision to stop caring about other people's feelings and opinions.

[00:03:23] When I became depressed though, my temper shortened and I felt far more irritable.

[00:03:29] I had little patience for anything, and I lived in a constant state of anxiety about social interactions.

[00:03:35] Whenever I engaged in conversation with someone else,

[00:03:38] I assumed they found me boring, annoying, or self-obsessed,

[00:03:42] and it sent me even further into my sadness.

[00:03:46] I started to become rude and unkind myself.

[00:03:49] I lashed out at people, or more commonly,

[00:03:52] gave them passive-aggressive excuses for distancing myself from them.

[00:03:56] I even became prone to insulting people as a way of protecting myself if they didn't like me.

[00:04:02] I didn't make a conscious decision to be mean.

[00:04:05] I didn't wake up in the morning and think, today I'm going to hurt someone's feelings.

[00:04:09] It just happened in the moment when I was feeling especially down on myself.

[00:04:14] Most of the people I was rude to were actually friends of mine,

[00:04:17] people I liked and had nothing against.

[00:04:20] This is no excuse for rudeness, offensive behavior, or being unkind to other individuals.

[00:04:26] I am not proud of the way I've acted, and I'm not suggesting you follow in my steps.

[00:04:31] But it did give me a new perspective on other people I come across who are less than kind.

[00:04:37] When someone is rude for no reason, especially a stranger,

[00:04:41] it's rarely a personal assault, even if you accidentally did something to irritate them.

[00:04:47] People aren't mean for the sport of it, or because they are against you.

[00:04:51] People are mean to cope.

[00:04:53] Being unkind, more often than not, is a reaction to anger with ourselves or our perceived inadequacy.

[00:05:01] When I was rude to other people, it was because I was afraid they wouldn't like the nice me.

[00:05:06] I didn't mind if they were angry at the fake unkind me because it wasn't really me.

[00:05:11] I felt unlovable, undesirable, and antisocial,

[00:05:15] and I needed a way to cope with these feelings by giving myself an alter ego

[00:05:19] that deserved to be disliked for reasons I could understand.

[00:05:23] When you find that people are being rude to you in your everyday life,

[00:05:27] they are really being mean to themselves.

[00:05:29] They've likely convinced themselves that they are unworthy of love,

[00:05:33] and that is the biggest tragedy of all.

[00:05:35] You don't have to tolerate it when others are not nice,

[00:05:38] but it's not something to take personally.

[00:05:41] You don't have to internalize the meanness as a fault of your own.

[00:05:45] You can simply recognize that the person being rude is struggling with their own problems

[00:05:49] and needs a way to cope with them.

[00:05:51] You cannot control the actions and behaviors of others,

[00:05:55] only your personal reactions to them.

[00:05:58] If you yourself are the one who has been unkind,

[00:06:00] it's time for self-reflection.

[00:06:03] Why do you attack people?

[00:06:05] What are you trying to protect yourself from?

[00:06:08] In my case, I got depressed because I felt socially awkward and I began losing friends.

[00:06:13] After that, I shied away from social gatherings, only augmenting the problem.

[00:06:18] I constantly thought negative things, such as,

[00:06:21] Nobody likes you, who would want to be your friend,

[00:06:25] and you are not worthy of the friends you have.

[00:06:27] I created a toxic environment inside my own head, and it wasn't based in reality.

[00:06:33] I knew I had to change my outlook,

[00:06:35] so I pushed myself to see the good in myself and the reasons why I am likable.

[00:06:41] As a result, I began to see the good in others again too.

[00:06:45] It's not an easy process, and for many it requires therapy and months of time.

[00:06:51] However, you can begin your journey back to kindness by being kinder to yourself.

[00:06:56] Listen closely to your destructive self-critical thoughts.

[00:07:00] Are they based in reality, or are you fabricating them?

[00:07:04] If you criticize yourself because you feel guilty about things you did in the past,

[00:07:09] work on nurturing self-forgiveness, just as you'd forgive a loved one for those same mistakes.

[00:07:14] If you criticize yourself because you were raised to believe you were a bad person,

[00:07:19] recognize that this is not true, and know that you can choose to heal and challenge this belief as an adult.

[00:07:26] Try to look at yourself from an outside perspective,

[00:07:29] and remind yourself of all the unique and beautiful qualities you possess

[00:07:33] and have the ability to share with the world.

[00:07:36] With enough time and effort, you will begin to see the pattern in your unkind behavior,

[00:07:41] and its link to your own anger at yourself.

[00:07:44] Once you can hone in on your feelings about yourself,

[00:07:47] you can begin to make conscious decisions to be kind to others,

[00:07:50] instead of lashing out as a coping mechanism.

[00:07:53] I have always unfalteringly held the belief that people are inherently good,

[00:07:57] and only do bad things in reaction to bad situations.

[00:08:01] The most important thing to remember, whether you are receiving or giving unkindness,

[00:08:06] is that you are inherently good too, and deserve to be loved,

[00:08:10] no matter what you or someone else tells you.

[00:08:17] You just listen to the post titled,

[00:08:20] Why People Are Rude and Unkind, and Why It's Not About You,

[00:08:24] by Avery Rogers with tinybuta.com, and I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:09:30] And thanks a lot to Avery for this post.

[00:09:33] I wanted to share this one because I think it makes for a really worthwhile discussion

[00:09:37] about our behavior and treatment towards others.

[00:09:41] To me, a post like this is a really great reminder

[00:09:44] for those who tend to equate their self-worth with how others act towards them,

[00:09:49] you know, those who take to heart what other people say about them.

[00:09:52] We all fall into this sometimes and there's nothing wrong with doing so.

[00:09:56] You know, it's important to remember that this is an entirely natural thing.

[00:10:01] And you could argue that there's even a sense of humility

[00:10:03] if you're willing to consider that others might be able to help you see things about yourself

[00:10:07] that you previously couldn't.

[00:10:09] But it's also worth mentioning that the way we treat others

[00:10:13] does not always look like the way we feel about ourselves.

[00:10:18] Think for example about the parent who is hyper critical

[00:10:22] of their child's academic performance or athletic performance.

[00:10:26] You know, it might be easy to be clouded by this criticism

[00:10:29] and think that there's an absence of love there

[00:10:31] or that the parent is not proud of the child's accomplishments.

[00:10:35] But to the parent, this might be how they show love

[00:10:38] or try to encourage their child to reach new heights,

[00:10:40] believing in their potential.

[00:10:42] Now, this is not to say the parent is always succeeding in their efforts,

[00:10:46] but that would still be their intention.

[00:10:48] And you know, you might say the same about a person who is so giving to others all the time

[00:10:54] because they're really trying to attract love.

[00:10:56] But a person like this could be really lacking in self-love

[00:10:59] and focusing on pleasing others as a tactic to receive love from them.

[00:11:04] You see what I mean?

[00:11:06] So as always, look for those exceptions everyone.

[00:11:08] Feelings and behavior are often very layered.

[00:11:11] And with that we're going to wrap up another episode of ORD.

[00:11:14] I thank you for being here and I hope it has you thinking.

[00:11:17] Enjoy the rest of your day and be sure to join us again tomorrow

[00:11:20] where your optimal life awaits.