2169: Five Reasons We Talk “At” Each Other And How To Listen by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Communication Skills

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[00:00:27] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2169, 5 Reasons We Talk At Each Other and

[00:00:35] How to Listen, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:00:41] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD with me your host and narrator, Greg Audino.

[00:00:47] Today I have another article courtesy of Dr. Margaret Rutherford for you all about

[00:00:51] listening, why we don't do it, and how we can start doing it. So let's get to it as

[00:00:57] we optimize your life. 5 Reasons We Talk At Each Other and How to Listen, by Dr. Margaret

[00:01:07] Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:01:12] When couples walk in my door with their chief complaint being we can't communicate,

[00:01:17] one of the things I immediately wonder is whether either one is truly listening

[00:01:22] or are they talking at each other. All too often, instead of listening to your partner,

[00:01:27] you assume you know what they're about to say and then you reply to what you think

[00:01:31] they meant rather than what they actually said. Or you can't wait to give your

[00:01:36] opinion so you tune out and mentally start composing your retort. Or you can't wait

[00:01:41] to give your opinion so you ultimately interrupt with your version of the truth

[00:01:45] while they are still speaking. This obviously is not a healthy way to communicate. If

[00:01:50] you recognize this as being a dynamic you and your partner engage in, know it doesn't have to

[00:01:55] be that way. You can change. The following is a true story that offers a vital lesson in how

[00:02:02] to actually listen and grow together where both of you learn and deeply understand one another.

[00:02:07] An Exercise in Listening, Really Listening. Jim and Rebecca were attending a group workshop

[00:02:14] where they were learning a specific technique of listening. The exercise was designed carefully,

[00:02:20] one person talked while the other partner listened. The rules or goals for the talking

[00:02:25] partner were simple, you had to keep to one topic while trying to travel deeper into your

[00:02:30] feelings about it. The goal for the listening partner was to keep their own agenda or ego

[00:02:35] out of the way and try to learn something they didn't know. It's much harder than it sounds,

[00:02:41] especially getting rid of your own agenda when you're listening. Questions like what do you

[00:02:46] want me to do about that or how do you think that affects me and the kids are strictly not

[00:02:51] allowed. If you have trouble imagining this, think for a moment about the questions you

[00:02:56] asked when you were first dating. When you couldn't wait to discover who this person you

[00:03:01] were falling in love with really was, how did he get the way he was? How does her mind

[00:03:06] work? Now back to the workshop. Each couple took a turn practicing the technique in front of

[00:03:12] the other couples, who would listen and then give support afterwards. Jim and Rebecca were

[00:03:17] last to take their turn. Jim said, I'm ready, let's go. No, I can't. I don't think I can say

[00:03:25] what I've been feeling. You won't understand. I promise you can. I have watched others. I get

[00:03:31] this. The room settled in to listen. Okay, Rebecca took a long breath. I often wish for

[00:03:40] your death. The room became very still. A couple of tense seconds ticked by. Jim then asked,

[00:03:48] how long have you felt that way? And Rebecca started crying. She revealed she'd felt utterly

[00:03:55] hopeless about their marriage. She tried everything. Her fantasies about his death didn't

[00:04:00] mean she truly wanted him to die, but that she was horribly demoralized and desperate. Jim

[00:04:07] absorbed all that she'd said. He listened, and he got it. The next day the couple came into the

[00:04:14] room, and much to the surprise of many, they were laughing. When asked what the joke was,

[00:04:20] Rebecca said, we were walking on the sidewalk and Jim was on the street side. A huge tractor

[00:04:26] trailer came rolling past. He turned to me with a wry smile on his face and said, now's

[00:04:32] your chance. What makes you stop listening, and what you can do about it?

[00:04:38] 1. It's easy to assume you know what your partner is going to say. Instead, stay curious.

[00:04:46] After all, you've been together for years, and we can get repetitive with one another.

[00:04:51] But maybe, just maybe, you don't know what they're thinking. Instead, you can

[00:04:56] realize that you spend 8-12 hours away from this person every day. They're having

[00:05:01] experiences that you're not aware of at all. People grow and evolve, and they might not be

[00:05:06] as predictable as you think. Perhaps it would be interesting to stay curious about the life

[00:05:11] of your partner. They might surprise you. 2. You're thinking about what you're going to say,

[00:05:17] and can barely wait for them to stop talking. Instead, stay in the moment. You can be so busy

[00:05:24] formulating a response or something that will prove them wrong, especially if you feel

[00:05:29] criticized. Rather than thinking of your turn, try to stay in the moment and actually listen

[00:05:35] to what they're communicating to you. Then you have the ability to respond more spontaneously,

[00:05:41] and the conversation might actually lead somewhere fresh. 3. You're responding to their

[00:05:47] tone rather than listening to their words. Instead, ask for another approach. As soon as

[00:05:54] she starts nagging, I shut her out. I hear that condescending tone in his voice and I just get

[00:06:00] mad. Who is he to talk to me that way? You can grow very sensitive to how your partner

[00:06:05] is talking to you and react. You get mad or withdraw, and the actual message of what

[00:06:11] they're trying to convey to you gets lost in the process. As an alternative, perhaps say,

[00:06:17] I want to listen to you, but when you say it in the way you are, I tune out. Hopefully,

[00:06:23] they'll respond by changing their tone. The important message is, I want to listen.

[00:06:28] 4. You are distracted by something else. Instead, give one another a heads up that

[00:06:36] you need their attention. I told you that! No, you didn't! Yes, I did. You were sitting

[00:06:42] looking at the TV and doing something on your phone, but you answered me. Oh, well,

[00:06:46] I don't remember that at all. We get in the habit of trying to talk to each other while

[00:06:51] distracted by a hundred other things. If you're really listening to someone, you're looking

[00:06:56] at them in the eyes or jotting down what they're saying and wait until they're

[00:07:01] through with what they're doing so they can concentrate. Good listening is proactive.

[00:07:06] 5. You can misread your partner's motive or intent. Instead, ask questions and

[00:07:13] try to assume good intention. You can believe that your partner has an ulterior

[00:07:18] motive behind what they're saying. Often, this occurs due to earlier conflict. You

[00:07:24] still think your partner is making a point or getting a punch in. Let's say

[00:07:28] you had a fight about who is doing the brunt of the work around the house.

[00:07:30] Feelings were aired on both sides, but the subject is still sensitive. Then later,

[00:07:36] he says, Do you want me to pick up the kids today? She explodes. Just because I was saying

[00:07:43] I'm tired doesn't mean I need you to do that. He's moved on from the earlier conversation,

[00:07:48] but she hasn't. She misreads his motivation or intent. Instead, ask questions but don't assume.

[00:07:55] Are you still mad, for example? Good listening simply takes practice,

[00:08:00] and more practice, and even more practice. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:08:11] 5 Reasons We Talk At Each Other and How to Listen by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com.

[00:08:19] Be sure to stick around for my commentary after this.

[00:08:22] And thank you so much to Dr. Margaret for this one. It's really a great article,

[00:08:27] and if you pay attention closely to it, you find that there's really a loop we get

[00:08:32] stuck in with our partners when it comes to not listening. The less we listen to our partners,

[00:08:37] the more there is built up for them to say. The less we listen to our partners,

[00:08:41] the less comfortable they may feel opening up. So when we do listen, we actually not just get

[00:08:47] a chance to converse more, but also to know our partners at deeper levels. When we listen,

[00:08:54] the less there is to hold in, and our relationships start to improve, at the very

[00:08:58] least due to the fact that we are getting to know each other better. Which as Dr. Margaret said,

[00:09:04] long term couples often forget is something that remains necessary all throughout life.

[00:09:09] So listening is really one of the best ways to improve our relationships,

[00:09:12] again if not simply because we truly get to know our partners better,

[00:09:16] and therefore we can get a better sense of many things, including our chemistry with them.

[00:09:21] But each time we don't listen, it creates distance and we repel our partners.

[00:09:26] And with that we're going to wrap things up for today. I thank you so much for tuning in,

[00:09:30] have a great rest of your weekend everybody. Think about what you've heard today,

[00:09:34] and be sure to come back again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.