2170: My Loved One is Transgender by Sara Stanizai of Prospect Therapy on Emotional Acceptance & Relationships

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

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[00:00:17] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2170. My loved one is Transgender by Saras

[00:00:25] Danut Sye of Prospecttherapy.com. Hello everybody, I'm Greg Audino, your host of the show,

[00:00:31] wishing you a happy Monday and thanking you for starting your week here with us on ORD.

[00:00:36] Now in this post we'll be covering some different territory and that is how to navigate the

[00:00:41] feelings of all persons involved upon learning that a loved one is transgender.

[00:00:46] Surely this can come with a lot of uncertainty, maybe some confusion on both parts

[00:00:51] and today Saras Danut Sye is going to help us work through it. So let's hear her work now as we

[00:00:56] optimize your life. My loved one is Transgender by Saras Danut Sye of Prospecttherapy.com.

[00:01:09] If you have a loved one who recently told you they are transgender,

[00:01:12] you may be feeling conflicted. When someone important to you reveals this part of their

[00:01:17] identity, it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions from elated to terrified.

[00:01:24] Though you may want to be supportive, you might also harbor feelings of rejection,

[00:01:29] worry or even anger. Like every other emotion, these feelings aren't forever.

[00:01:35] That said, it can certainly feel that way when you're right in the middle of it.

[00:01:40] Although this is new to you, it is not always new to your loved one.

[00:01:44] So, how do you cope with these feelings? How can you get to a place of acceptance and

[00:01:49] understanding instead of fear, anger or confusion? Depending on your specific situation and

[00:01:56] relationship to the person, there are different options to help you make sense of your feelings.

[00:02:02] It's normal to have questions. When your partner first tells you that they are

[00:02:07] questioning their gender or that they are trans or non-binary, it's normal to have

[00:02:11] questions. How long have they wanted to come out? Are they still attracted to me?

[00:02:17] Will I continue to be attracted to them? Will they look different?

[00:02:21] How will our relationship change? Will we stay together?

[00:02:25] These questions can be overwhelming, particularly when you don't have someone to talk to about

[00:02:30] them. Although these questions may seem scary, the crucial part is that you still care

[00:02:36] about your partner and want to continue to support them despite your fears. It's okay

[00:02:41] to have worries of your own. In fact, it's often expected.

[00:02:45] When to seek help? That being said, you may find that you need more support than your partner can

[00:02:52] provide. Perhaps they already have their hands full with their transition, or you simply need

[00:02:57] your own space to work things out. Individual counseling can help to fill that need,

[00:03:02] especially for partners who are having trouble accepting the news that their loved one is

[00:03:06] trans or non-binary. Your own sessions can provide safety and privacy when exploring some of the

[00:03:11] difficult and challenging feelings that come up. Here, you may delve into some of those lingering

[00:03:17] questions without fear of upsetting or invalidating your partner. Once you've confronted those fears,

[00:03:22] you can open yourself up to making efforts to better understand and support your partner.

[00:03:27] For other folks, couples or relationship counseling may be a better fit. This may

[00:03:32] be true for you if you have some sense of acceptance of your partner's identity,

[00:03:36] but perhaps you both have questions about what this change means for the relationship.

[00:03:41] The winds of change can feel destabilizing, especially if that change is bringing the

[00:03:46] relationship into uncharted waters. However, as long as you want to embark on the journey

[00:03:52] together, couples counseling may be an excellent option for you and your partner. This format

[00:03:58] can be particularly useful if one partner's transition is highlighting relationship issues,

[00:04:03] such as how connected or secure partners are feeling, how well the partners understand one another,

[00:04:09] or how conflict is addressed. Or perhaps you would like to work on how to best support one

[00:04:14] another in this new chapter of the relationship. As affirming therapists, we are able to hold

[00:04:19] space for each of you. You're allowed to say those awkward things you're thinking.

[00:04:24] Being affirming doesn't mean we won't tolerate difficult or confusing emotions regarding gender.

[00:04:30] We will, however, make sure that your partner also feels safe. If that means you don't get to

[00:04:35] have your sessions together at first, we may recommend you have your own therapeutic space

[00:04:40] to process first. Community Support

[00:04:44] Although counseling is a great option, there are other means of support you may choose

[00:04:48] to pursue. Support groups for partners and loved ones of trans and non-binary people are often

[00:04:54] available online and in person. Many people find these groups helpful, and they do a great job

[00:05:00] to normalize your experience and remind you that you're not alone. If your loved one is your

[00:05:05] first exposure to the LGBTQ community, these groups can also serve as a gateway into

[00:05:10] the community to grow your familiarity and create a new social support network. Finally,

[00:05:17] these communities can be a wonderful resource for finding helpful books,

[00:05:21] forums, websites, and other media to further contextualize your experience.

[00:05:27] Supporting Your Loved One

[00:05:29] It is not easy to come out as transgender. Our society consistently discriminates against

[00:05:35] and delegitimizes transgender lives. By taking the vital step of sharing this with you,

[00:05:40] your loved one is going up against a world that won't always accept them. They do, however,

[00:05:46] have faith that you will support them. The fact that they have come out to you is a huge show of

[00:05:51] love and vulnerability. Even if you do have feelings of fear, uncertainty, or rejection,

[00:05:56] make it a priority to be there for your loved one. The best way to start is through

[00:06:01] affirmative behavior. Your loved one may ask to go by different pronouns than they previously

[00:06:07] did. They may also request that you call them by another name. By acknowledging and

[00:06:12] respecting their requests, you are affirming their identity. Although you may mess up from time to time

[00:06:18] as you relearn, remember that using your loved one's pronouns or name is a small step you can take

[00:06:24] that will make a huge difference in their life. It is an act of love. As your loved one progresses

[00:06:30] on their journey, they may begin to look, sound, dress, and behave differently. Be there

[00:06:35] for them through the changes. Let them know that they are seen, valid, and worthy. You don't have to

[00:06:42] have all the answers or know the right thing to say all the time. Your support, love, and validation

[00:06:49] mean a lot. And of course, show your self-kindness and compassion through this process.

[00:06:54] Counseling can be a key part of self-care, so listen to the signs that it's time to go.

[00:07:00] Whether it's couples or individual therapy, you can work through any questions,

[00:07:05] fears, or feelings that you have and come out the other side. You just listened to the post titled

[00:07:15] My Loved One Is Transgender by Sarah Stanisci of Prospecttherapy.com

[00:07:21] And thanks so much to Sarah for this one. It's interesting when someone we love comes out as

[00:07:27] transgender or even in many cases if we're seeing or interacting with someone who is transgender,

[00:07:32] there can be that disconnect as she mentioned. We might find ourselves wondering what they've

[00:07:37] gone through, how they see the world, or why there's discomfort towards the body they were born into.

[00:07:43] But what I love about this article is that in spite of this lapse of mutual understanding,

[00:07:49] Sarah's writing bonds both parties. Just as a trans person who comes out to you is feeling

[00:07:54] vulnerable and uncertain, you are too. The concerns might not be the same, but there's a bond in

[00:08:00] those challenging feelings. And acknowledging or celebrating that bond reminds us of what we

[00:08:06] have in common. We might be experiencing something new and difficult for us. And regardless of which

[00:08:12] side you're on, those experiences and feelings are completely justified as we both enter new

[00:08:18] territory that's going to take some getting used to. We all have a right to explore our

[00:08:23] feelings and not judge ourselves for them, whether they're feelings rooted in love,

[00:08:28] fear, anger or something in between. So seeing this moment or this interaction as a journey

[00:08:34] for both of you to go down together, to me, is a great initial means of getting connected

[00:08:40] when you might otherwise feel distanced. And that is going to do it for this one folks.

[00:08:45] Thanks for being here and listening today and thanks for supporting the show as always.

[00:08:49] I hope you leave this episode knowing that your feelings are validated, whatever they may be.

[00:08:53] And I also hope that you'll join me again tomorrow as I'll be returning with a post from

[00:08:57] Evan Markkats. That's where your optimal life awaits.